DW – Thanks Jim. I’m happy to be here. I love Kornholes.
KH – Let’s get right to it. Why do you blow this year?
DW – It’s not just this year. I’ve always blown. When we win. I blow. Reyes can tell you that I can suck with the best of them.
KH – Thoughts on Johan?
DW – I love the way he grips balls. You know he’s got a nasty spitter.
KH – Due tell!
DW – Let’s just say he’s an amazing pitcher and I’m quite the lucky catcher. Lucky for him I try not to eat taco bell. What amazes me is how his hands can grip my wood during our pitching and catching sessions. However, nothing ever comes of it.
KH – Tell me a little about Carlos Beltran?
KH – Interesting! Tell me about your new minority owner.
DW – I hate black people. Please don’t tell me we have a minority owner.
DW – I hate Asians, too. I only like dark, South American men.
KH – Thank you for your time, David.
DW - Kornhole, before you go. Can you do me one favor?
KH – I’m not doing any favors for you. You’re weird.
DW – Please ask Ruben to trade for me? I really want to be a Phillie! They have some sexy guys over there, like Jose Contreas.
As of this writing, there are only two pitchers on this roster who have a 0.00 ERA! Yup,
and Jose Contreas. Contreas is dear to us all since he used to play wiffle ball in the backyard with Jesus. How many of you can say that? Valdez
Mathension also has a 0.00 ERA but we all know that’s a sham. His WHIP is 2.33 and hitters are hitting .417 versus the stiff.
Now, let’s put them up against the Phils staff:
· Cliff Lee, Mr. Cool! 3.50. Yeah, he’s soooooooo cool!
· Cole Hamels 3.01! Whatever, go back to
· Roy Oswalt 2.60! Go watch a Wilson Valdez video on how to throw a change-up.
- Chase Field Ballpark – Home of the D-Backs. They have a pool. Nuff said.
- Dodger Stadium – Great views and fake fans. Who can ask for anything more? I lived out there for nine months and learned to love the stadium because that’s all the baseball I had.
- Jacob Field – Most overrated stadium in baseball! Not only is the city a dump times ten, but this stadium was awful! I went to an Indians-Royals game. I didn’t last two batters.
- Nationals Park – I went to this dump for Oswalt’s first start as a Phillie. The sightlines were okay and I liked the bar in the outfield, but the experience was depressing and rude.
- Old Yankee Stadium – DUMP! I don’t care about the tradition. The place was a dump with expensive beer and food. The only reason this place wasn’t second, was the historical significance the place had. I’m sure it would be in the Best Top 5 if I wrote this piece in 1975. In 2009, it was on its last legs and not an enjoyable experience.
I didn’t include the ‘Bank’ because we all know it’s the best stadium in baseball as of this writing. It really is! And that’s not me being a kiss-ass homer. It’s also the best stadium because that chick that used to write for her blog goes there and shows off her sexy legs. What was her name again? Kimberlee? WHO CARES!
I STILL HATE BAEZ
That 19 inning game was a long freaking game. The team wouldn’t have won if it weren’t for Baez, but he is the replacement to Adam EATING. Even EATING had a good game here or there. Baez is a bigger thief than Bernie Madoff, so why the hell is he on the Phillies and not stealing from that moron Fred Wilpon? Okay, so the there went 5.1 innings of scoreless baseball. That’s the most consecutive innings of scoreless baseball he’s thrown since he snapped those photos of Ruben banging his mistress.
THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES FUTURE