Thursday, June 30, 2011

Have you voted Yet?

Just a Ridiculous Fan
 There have been many ridiculous players with ridiculous names and ridiculous personalities come and go through the Phillies doghouse… err dug out over the years so we at Phillies Bunts want to celebrate some of those players with our Tournament of 64 Most Ridiculous Phillies!

We are into the 2nd Round and all 4 #1 seeds remain. It’s up to you to decide who will make it into the Sweet 16 which we will announce on All-Star Tuesday. So without further adieu here is the next 4 games to vote on in the Tournament of 64. Make sure you click on the matchup and then vote it’s that easy.

We need your votes otherwise the Wriz will WRig it and choose his favorite Phillie of all time… Von “longest leg stance in history Hayes” and that son of a bitch isn’t even in the tournament.


There is still time to vote on the other 2nd Round Matchups. Again, click on your matchup and vote.



Wednesday, June 29, 2011

What Can Brown Do for You?

So many times in my baseball life, I’ve been let down. I suppose it comes with the territory in being a die-hard of the only team that can give the Washington Generals a run for money in the loss column. But its times like these I persevered. The four-straight NL East titles makes watching the likes of Stan Javier and Tom Nieto bearable. The Back-toback NL championship flags makes the two dreadful tours of duty by Adam Eaton and Andy Ashby which were interrupted by productive, if not GOOD, stints in other cities nothing short of comical.

Time after time over hyped prospects came to town and if they managed to stick with the team, their legacy wasn’t broken records and all-star appearances but broken dreams and blooper reel highlights. Wes Chamberlain, Pat Combs and Carton Loewer just to name a few. I can look at my 2008 World Series ticket stub and forgive them, the coaches who let their talents go unmotivated and potential untapped, and the general managers and scouts who were responsible for drafting them. Well, all except one: Ron Jones. If you are unaware Ron Jones died in 2006. I assume he is buried somewhere in Texas where he was born and returned to after his baseball career was over. It’s a good thing because if it were any closer I’d make it part of my regular routine to piss on his grave. I know it’s not right to speak ill of the dead but Jones had no heart so was he ever really living?

This might seem like an odd rant but something during Saturday’s game made me cringe at the mere thought of Jones. Back in 1990, the Wriz was younger but no less handsome when he watched Jones hit a routine grounder to the shortstop. After the ball left the bat, it became anything but routine. The shortstop booted the ball. He managed to pick it up and make a hurried throw to first. In his haste, he threw the ball into the dirt cut out at first. The first baseman almost made a great dig but dropped the ball. He did, however, manage to pick the ball up and step on the bag to get Jones by a stride and a half. I don’t know for sure but I’d imagine the Wriz and each of the other 23,000 in attendance could have beaten it out.

Saturday, Domonic Brown’s grounder to the A’s Jamile Weeks had a similar outcome. With his speed, Brown should have beaten it out EASY once Weeks struggled with the grounder, but instead it went down 4-3 on DB29’s scorecard. I can understand that players might lose focus from time to time over the long baseball season. I’m not saying right or excusable, but you’d think they wouldn’t let it happen again, let alone the same game. That’s right, Brown lally gagged after a ball in the gap when he was in the field too.

The worst part is I have defended him time and time again. I felt the Phillies handled him terribly last season by keeping him on the roster. He went weeks without seeing the field instead of playing everyday in Lehigh Valley. Going into the Red Sox series, he is batting .208 this season. His lifetime stats averaged over 162 games are: .208 15 HRs 58 RBI’s and 10 SB. I’d say very Jones-like but Jones average was much higher at .272.

What can Brown do for me?

 Hustle, Domonic, just hustle.

See ya at the ballpark! (I’ll probably make it there before Dom.)

Jay Wrizight

***I felt it was only right to let Domonic preview this story before I published it. Coupled along with Kornhole's trashing of CBL I think its now the Phillie Bunts duty to trash every Phillie to increase performance. Brown went 2-3 with  2 runs, a homer and 2 RBIs. The funniest was when Sarge said something to the effect,  "when you hit it like that, then, you can time your time on the bases." In the post game interview Brown said "I had a rough couple of days." I hope that was his way of acknowledging he screwed up and learns from it.***

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Save the Date

October 19th, 2011.
So close yet so damn far away.

Fear not, Phillies Bunts faithful. At 7:05 this very evening we may get a small taste of what life should be like on 10/19/2011.

I'm sure each and every one of you has that date circled in big, fat red marker on your calendars, right? Ummmm.. RIGHT?

Bunters - that glorious evening will bring the opening night of the 107th Fall Classic (chills literally went up my spine as I wrote that, true story). And while I know we have the entire summer to get through... I can't help but join in on the hype over the 3game home stand  against the Boston Red Sox that may indeed be a precursor to the 2011 World Series.

Our 49-30 Fightins will need to be tossing their best tonight as Clifton Phifer matches up against Josh Beckett and the 45-32 Bo Sox in what should be a gem of a series. Statistically, the two teams should match up well as the Phillies are in command of not only the best record in MLB but arguably the best pitching rotation, while Boston is holding onto the leagues third place amongst wins and the best batting average in all of MLB.

I know many are not impressed with inter league play but how can even the most pessimistic anti-interleague baseball fan NOT want to tune into this series? Not only are these two teams steeped in rich baseball history but both blue collar cities are known for their passionate, avid fans who actually KNOW their game, team and players (take that Rays fans). Phillies and Sox fans live and breathe their teams through good, bad and unbelievably ugly seasons (kiss my ass "Yankees" fans). Through the drought years both the Phillies and Sox played before a well stocked crowd in their respective stadiums (something those poor Cleveland players didn't even get when they surprisingly came out with a fight early this season). This series - in my humble opinion Bunters - is what baseball is truly about. Great teams, great players and great cities.

Early this season I predicted the Philadelphia Phillies to meet the Boston Red Sox on October 19, 2011 for the 107th Fall Classic. I think this old school duel will prove to be a hell of a match up both this week and hopefully once again in October...  and maybe even settle the 'pitching team vs hitting team' debate Phils fans have been into so much this season as our offense has proven sporadic yet our pitching remains strong. I also think the effect these two teams will have on baseball overall is priceless. How often had we cringed watching teams play into the early fall weeks that had no fan base?

So while we have a long way to go until October 19th, I say enjoy what could be one epic preview of the 2011World Series because the next time these two teams meet you will be most likely have traded your swimsuits for sweatshirts -and how depressing is THAT?

Feel free to email me at :)

-xo DiamondGirl215

Monday, June 27, 2011

Kornholes Alley: Fever Pitch Edition

Thanks for sniffing around my Kornhole once again. Let’s not beat around the bush and get to business W style.


The “experts” call this upcoming series with the Red Sox a World Series preview. I call it another series in June. If this were a World Series preview then Cholly would have setup the rotation.

I’m not even sure if one or both teams can make it out of their respective leagues. Remember this Phils fans, this Phillies team will go only as far as the pitching will take it and just last week the staff lost not only Roy Oswalt but also reliable setup man Jose Contreas.

Unlike 2007, the bats will not be the reason this team makes it into the playoffs. It’s going to be pitching and with 40 percent of your rotation on the shelf another injury would devastate it.

Sure, I am overreacting we still have Doc, Lee and the Surfer but those guys don’t win every game as proven this weekend when Cole lost another strong performance.

The Red Sox are having their own issues. Since a 2-10 start they have put it together but recently fell into a little slump losing four in a row and falling behind the Yanks in the AL East.

The Sox are going to be in a dog fight. Tampa and the Yanks will be there every step of the way all year long. The Wild Card will most likely come from the East yet again but you can’t count out Cleveland and Detroit just yet for that slot. Okay, maybe you can.

It’s a long ride between now and October. It would be great for baseball if the Phils and Red Sox played for a World Series but let’s not get ahead of ourselves just yet.


CY YOUNG: Hamels – The Surfer and Doc are neck and neck and since I ripped Cliff Lee into a new Kornhole a few weeks ago he’s stepped it up. YOU’RE WELCOME! But, Cole has been amazing this season. I know Doc closes games and has more wins and by seasons end will be the real Cy Young Award winner but I want to throw the surfer a bone.

ROOKIE: It’s not going to hitter that’s for sure. It’s a no-brainer. Mike Stutes. He has been excellent this season and has earned his spot in the back end of the bullpen. I know people are sucking on Vance Worley’s nuts but I think Vance has the opportunity to be the next Garret Stephenson or J.A. Happ! I’ll take Stutes for now.

MVP: Polanco – I know he’s struggled as of late but the rest of this offense as been so dreadful it’s hard to consider anyone else.


Interleague play continues with three against the Red Sox and then off to Homecoming weekend in Toronto. I think the Sox take 2 of 3 from our Phils and then the Jays do the same.

I think CLIFF BLEEPIN LEE comes back to earth Tuesday and loses but I like Surfer on Thursday. Doc will dominate and possibly throw a no-hitter in Toronto on Saturday but that will be it for this team until they learn to hit. A 2-4 week sucks but this team cannot beat the AL for some reason. The A’s don’t count!

That’ll wrap things up for this edition of Kornhole’s alley. Next week we’ll preview the All-Star game and have a member of the Phillies inside the Kornhole. Don’t forget to email me at

Sunday, June 26, 2011

The Market(ing Dept) is Closed!

The Phillies Marketing Department, Asleep at the Wheel

The Oakland Athletics are in town this weekend. The prodigal franchise returns. Readers of this blog will remember the great article Eugene put together asking, 'What If?'. What if the A's never left after the 1954 season? If you haven't read it yet, you should. It is probably the best researched article to ever grace this blog. The A's returned to their old stomping grounds for only the second time since Interleague play began. You would think the Phillies Marketing Department would take this rare opportunity to break out some cool 'Throwbacks'. It seems every other city does. Milwaukee seems to do it every year when the Phillies play there. Does the Marketing department know that Mitchell & Ness is just a ten minute ride up 12th Street? The Throwback was born in Philly. Why do we have to wait for some other team to come up with the idea that the Phils should wear the greatest uniform any sport, the road baby blues? The answer is the root of all evil, money.
The Phillies already have our money. The park is sold out and will continue to be for a long time. The Phillies Marketing Department must feel like they did their job. The seats are full, let's give our fans the same crap we give them every year. Let's give them a terrible hat on Father's Day they will never wear. What do fans want? They get two Bobble Head games and fireworks, our job is done. Have they even had a marketing meeting in the last few years? I know the 'Giveaways' are never great quality but can they at least change it up? I have received an umbrella, a seat cushion, and a wearable visor at other MLB parks. The Nationals gave out a Batting Practice cap last year on Opening Day that looked authentic.

I know I'm nit picking but who wouldn't like to see the Phils and A's wearing unis from the 30's? It shouldn't be that hard. I bet more then half the people who attend this weekend's games don't even know the A's used to call Philly home. That's another problem I have with Interleague play. Why do the Phils play the A's so infrequently? Baseball is the 'Nostalgia' sport, always looking to it's past. It's what I love about this great game. This series was a great opportunity to step back in time and the Phillies dropped the ball.

Keep It Classy Philly!


Friday, June 24, 2011

Dear Hoody Part Deuce

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Dear Hoody Part Deuce

A few weeks ago I asked the faithful Buntamaniacs to submit some mail and I’d try my best to respond to each and everyone.  I received so many queries that I decided to split this piece into 3 parts…a trilogy if you will.  See here for Part 1 cuz you won’t understand Part II unless you read Part 1 (ie Star Wars/Empire Strikes Back and not Caddy shack I & II). Enjoy.                                          
Dear CJ:
Polanco’s batting average has taken a dip as of late.  Do you think he still has a shot at making the All Star team?
Frank R.

Frank:  Polanco’s still has a solid lead at the 3B spot for the NL.  I’m glad it was his hand that got plugged 6/21 and not his bionic elbow.  Regardless, despite the dip, I feel the fans will push him through and you’ll see him in AZ come July.
Yo Hoodlum:
I’m very tense and need to relax.  How do you personally unwind?
Ozzie G.

Blizzard of Oz:
I’ve seen your handy work and I concur that you‘ve ‘done gone crazy.’  Here’s an easy 3 step process that may help you from going AWOL!
a.  jim beam
b.  self pleasure
c.  repeat
Where the hell have I been?
J. Blanton

Fat Joe:  
I’ve been wondering the same thing myself.  They don’t mention you or even show you in the dugout.  You should start wearing that old XFL jersey “HEHATEME.”
Hi Hood:
What’s grosser in your opinion: passing around a turkey leg in “King’s Court”, the Card’s bullpen or being inside Kornhole’s alley?
R. Smith
Cherry Hill, NJ

I’d have to say the turkey leg.  You’d think the people of Seattle with their Starbucks & fancy raincoats would have enough sense not to pass around Hepatitis via a bird’s leg.  Besides, that 43min 8th inning was just a fluke and Kornhole’s alley has wall-to-wall shag carpeting and serves those black corn chips and red pepper hummus…I love that ish!
I need to get something off my chest and since not a lot of people read this blog I thought this would be the perfect place. You in?
Orenthal James S.
Up In The Mountains

spit it son!
Mr. Hood,
I sent Diamond Girl a lock of my back hair…do you know if she got it?
@chriswheeler on Twitter

that’s gross bro!

Self plug:  If any Bunters are from the Allentown area I’ll be doing standup at the Wisecrackers inside of the Ramada on Sat; June 25 @ 9pm.  Also, starting Sun; June 26th (and every other Sunday) I’ll be co-hosting an internet radio show from 8pm-10pm @ …let’s get ‘bunted!!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Philly Ringers

Back in 2005, Johnny Knoxville starred in a filmed called The Ringer. Sunday, Albert Pujols, the biggest name in baseball broke his wrist and will be out a minimum for 4 weeks but it now seems like it will be closer to 7 to 8 weeks.

What does this have to do with a Phillies blog and why do I bring up these seemingly unconnected incidents? It’s not because Pujols does an abundance of charity work for those with Down Syndrome because his daughter has the condition. Nor does it have anything to do with the recent death of Knoxville’s Jackass co-star, Ryan Dunn.

I bring it up because it seems like so many Phillies fans seem like they would have been a better fit to play Knoxville’s character Steve Barker, an able body man who cheats at the Special Olympics.

 So many times I have heard Philadelphia fans complain that they get a bad rap, a statement I would certainly agree with. We are still get flack over the booing of Santa and anytime something goes awry at CBP, its gets splashed all over the national media. And we are constantly reminded of Pukeyman, the kid who got tazed, and all the other nonsense. Ed Rendell even went as so far to write a letter to GQ magazine defending Philly fans. Incidents happen in every city but how many of you know who Brian Stow or Tom Gamboa are? They don’t have trendy nicknames bandied about on the sports headlines, nor do their attackers. Stow was beaten into coma for showing up at Dodger Stadium and showing support for his San Francisco Giants. Gamboa was a coach for the Royals who was attacked on the field in Chicago during a White Sox game. (A similar incident happened to ML umpire, Laz Diaz also during a White Sox game in Chicago, but I purposely omitted it because he probably deserved it. I kid, relax.)

I am a competitive person. Momma Wriz would tell you that’s an understatement. When I was younger, I couldn’t play my brother in checkers without a fight breaking out.  In my defense, if I couldn’t win at checkers I was going to win something. Ok, so my actual point, I thought the whole reason to even play sports or compete at anything is to prove that you are the best. I don’t see how taking the easy road accomplishes that.

If I didn’t before, certainly the Phillies 2010 and 2011 seasons have taught me that injuries are part of the game. But the way Phillies fans get a hard on because opposing players are hurt and the Phillies won’t have to face them astonishes me. I’m not going to bring up Michael Irvin. It’s football and old news. Instead, I will take you back, all the way back to last August. I was able to get a pair of tickets to see Steven Strasburg’s first game in Philadelphia. He couldn’t REALLY be as good as advertised, right? Peter Gammons said he’d be a top 10 ML pitcher the FIRST time he put on a Nationals uniform. I couldn’t wait to erupt when the Phillies chased him early. It never happened. He pitched as advertised: six strikeouts and only allowed 2 hits before he blew out his elbow in the 5th inning. The crowd went nuts. The Phillies were down 5-1 and the kid’s career in jeopardy. I was never more ashamed to be a Phillies fan. Not watching Sil Campusano patrol centerfield. Not sitting in the stands the night the Phillies became the first pro franchise to 10,000 losses.

2008 was a magical season, one that I’ll never forget, but one thing that has always bothered me was the fact other teams fans would say that the Phillies ONLY beat Tampa Bay. As time has passed, the Rays have proven that their 2008 was no fluke. I want to beat the best. No excuses. A famous great competitor would always say, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man!”  Then, he’d say,”WOOOOOOO!!!!!!”

See ya at the ballpark! (and Stay Classy?)

Jay Wrizight

Monday, June 20, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Toupée Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole. As you know, there’s nothing I enjoy more than random strangers entering my Kornhole to have a good time. This week we’ll sit down with Phillies color analyst Chris Wheeler to discuss his amazing technique behind the stick, and much more so let’s dive head first into my Kornhole.


I know people who one day think they’re gay and bang someone of the same sex, then the next day they realize they are homophobic and  bang the opposite sex. I call these interesting cats a Confused Bi-Sexual.

I know a baseball team that one series loves to hit the ball as hard as Lexington Steele rams white cracker women, then the next series they hate hitting the ball so much… so they don’t.

This baseball team I speak of I call the 2011 Philadelphia Phillies. Yes, the Phillies are Confused Bi-Sexuals! Too hit or not too hit!? That should not be thy question. It should be thy obvious.

I understand the M’s have good pitching. I can also understand that Safeco isn’t exactly the Bank, but to allow Jason Vargas to 3 hit you is pretty bad. I know Vargas has become a good pitcher. Last season he pitched well, and this season he has pitched just as well but we’re not talking about Sandy Koufax here, we’re talking about Jason Vargas, the long lost cousin of the over annoying former Fox 29 sports Anchor Bill Vargas.

With that all said the Phils struggled in Seattle Friday and Sunday after kicking the crap out of the woeful Marlins pitching earlier in the week. It’s just so freaking confusing! Either hit or don’t hit, but stop being so annoyingly difficult. Figure out your preference and then act like a tennis shoe and JUST DO IT!


Dear Kornhole,

I am impressed with your knowledge on Surfing Racism. I own a few boards of my own and I love riding the waves when the off-season…. Err when I am on vacation. My wife is a former reality star who married me for my money… err Realty she sells houses and married me for all the money she makes. Anyway, I agree with you on the fans. They are a bunch of ingrates when it comes to surfers. What happened to the good old days of making fun of Black people? They still eat fried chicken don’t they? I know I seen Jimmy Rollins in the dugout with a chicken bone hanging from his mouth… on TV of course. I have never been in the dugout or the locker room. I also want to thank you for realizing that I err Cole will command a lot of money and that I err Cole Hamels is the best pitcher on the staff and will not come back because of the racists and the lack of offense all these years. I know Cole wants to tell these fans to BLEEP themselves because it was I, err Cole Hamels who delivered to those jerkoffs a World Series and an MVP to go with it.

Anonymous from San Diego


JK – Hello Wheels. Welcome to my Kornhole!
CW- Great to be here.
JK – Tell me what it was like to work with Harry Kalas!?
CW – He was a jealous son of a bitch. Everytime we called a game he knew it was me the fans wanted to hear. The fans didn’t care about the game. They only cared about my baseball knowledge and that used to drive Harry nuts.
JK – Are you glad Harry died?
CW – If I had to hear that Piece of BLEEP sing High Hopes one more time I was going to take him out myself.
JK – Wow. Harsh words for a legend.
CW – Legend? (Laughs) Harry was no legend. He didn’t know anything about the game. The only thing he cared about was his stupid cigars and perfecting his dumb voice. It was me who kept the people informed.
JK – Who is the greatest announcer of all-time?
CW – Is this a joke?
JK – I’m serious. Dead serious.
CW – Who do you think is the best announcer?
JK – I am a big Harry/Whitey guy.
CW – No, you’re an asshole. It’s obvious it is me and only me. I make Tom McCarthy sound good. I make Sarge look great in those hats. I am a student of the game you jerkoff. I know the ins and outs. I know when a balk is a balk. Do you? Does anyone? No. Not even the BLEEPING umps.
JK – If you were to build a team around one person from this current Phillies team who would you choose?
CW – Me! You need an announcer who knows everything. I know everything. BLEEP Vince Scully he’s a walking corpse with a microphone. I am everything that is perfect. I am more perfect than Curt Henning. I know everything.
JK – Thoughts on David Montgomery?
CW – He’s a BLEEPOT! I caught him having a three way with Bill Giles and the cigar guy. I have the photos and told all three of them BLEEPOTS that if they ever mess with me I will reveal the photos to the public. Let me tell ya Kornhole, they’re pretty hardcore.
JK – Is that why you still have a job?
CW – That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard. It is all about talent, Kornhole. Maybe if you had some you’d get more than one comment from someone who doesn’t work for the website you write for. Loser! WHEELER OUT!


The Cards and A’s are on the agenda this week and for once the Phillies are lined up perfectly for an important series. Doc will go in the series opener in St. Louis and we all know Doc brings it after a bad outing. I think the Phils take 2 of 3 from the Cards losing Little Roy’s start on Thursday before coming home to lose 2 of the 3 to the money ballers. I think a .500 week is order for this team until they learn how to hit the ball with some consistency.

Thanks for checking out my Kornhole this week. Next week, we’ll continue with the Most Ridiculous Phillies contest and much more. Don’t forget you can email me at

Sunday, June 19, 2011

"Let's Beat the Traffic"...Losers

Happy Father's Day Bunters! As an early Father's Day present, my wonderful wife gave me tickets for last Wednesday's game. To refresh your memory, it was the second game of the day/night doubleheader vs the Marlins. Halladay was on the mound, but more importantly my new guy, SW29, would be attending his first Phillies game. The wifey, who is also a pretty big Phils fan, had not been to a game since lil SW29's arrival. She was also pumped to come off the BDL (Baby Delivery List). This is not a 'I took my baby to his first game' story. Just to touch on that briefly, he did great. Mommy whipped out the milk fun bags for an inning, otherwise he was just chillin'. My question of the week is, why do people leave games early?

SB29 getting escorted out!

TMac hits us over the head with it every broadcast. The Phillies are the hottest ticket in town. If so, then why do 20% of those in attendance still leave before the game is over? The 'Let's Beat the Traffic' crowd. A large chunk of people left Wednesday night after the 8th inning when the score was 4-2. It was only 9:15. They were down 2 runs. What is better then seeing you team tie or walk off in the bottom of the 9th? I guess these knuckleheads will never know. Do these same people leave movies early? Does the conversation with the person their with go something like this? "This movie is now 2 hours long. Michael just agreed to be Connie's baby's Godfather. Look they are walking into the church. Nothing else is gonna happen. Let's beat the traffic." The great 'Wriz' brought up a good point. He said "What if the people who left had attended both games Wednesday?" Good point Wriz, but it was too many for it to be 'Doubleheader' fatigue.

There are always reasons to leave a game early. Acceptable reasons are.

- You are attending a night game and you need to be up for work at 4am. You have a responsibility to get that quality Pepperidge Farms bread on the shelves.

- You are attending a day game and it's 105 in the shade, only problem is you are in the sun. That and you have easy access to a pool.

- You are attending a game with small children and they are keeping everyone around them from enjoying the game. By all means go.

I have been lucky enough to have a partial plan since Citizens Bank Park opened. I can count on one hand the times I have left early. I don't understand why you would pay hard earned money not to see how the game turned out. I can't attend every game, so give me a hard luck story why I should lay some tickets on you Bunters. You know, your kid hasn't been to a game. You can't afford tickets right now because your out of work. I will give you tickets I can't use on one condition. You can't leave early. I don't care if its so late Valdez is pitching, Oswalt's playing left field, Charlie is pinch hitting and Rich Dubee is selling Bunts tees in the stands. Be a gamer, see how the game ends.

Keep It Classy Philliy!


Friday, June 17, 2011

3X Dopey!

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
3X Dopey!

The recent winning streak inspired me to do something I haven't done since 2 days ago (no not floss)…lay down some super hype rhymes….check it!!!

1-2, 1-2...turn my mic up…
louder, turn the mic up…1-2-3
I can’t hear anything…seriously…1-2...
sibilance…check…turn it up…whatever dawg…here we go…

Yo! they call me Bobby Frap, take no crap
been down with hip-hop before they called it rap
7 in a row; first time since the 80s
when shoulder pads and Aquanet graced all the ladies
Phils got the best record; Bunt’s the best blog
Diamond & DB; Daisy Duke & Boss Hog
Chooch at the plate; palms getting sweaty
givin suckas nightmares just like Freddy
J to the Riz-OLL; D to the Brown and
C Utley all went downtown and
Ryan Howard…my wife calls you Ron.
but Opie Cunningham never ‘went for lawn’
swept the Fish like we were Arthur Treacher
a day/night double header; ya know…a double feature!
Placido is an all star; Ibanez is not
closest he’ll get to Chase Field is the parking lot
and what’s better Shane…your glove or your bat?
cuz you’re a double threat…fans like it like that
Valdez’ is the 10th man, Martinez and Gload
Cholly’s our svengali in any zip code…zip what? zip code…say word, zip code!

(beatbox break)

now I got to break it down about our 4 aces
you know their names and you know their faces
Doc Halladay; Mr Cy Young
smoking batters; give ‘em black lung!
Cliff Lee; some call ya Phifer
back in Illadelph; word to his wifer!
Roy Oswalt is Loc’ed After Dark
cuz he has the best record at CB Park
Cole Hamels’ is on full throttle, but
he looks like a judge from Next Top Model
and ‘Mad Dog’ Madson put ‘cha on a gurney!
even though DB hates you coming out to Journey
John Kruk said the Braves got what it takes!
but my man’s co drunk on Tastykakes
and the Mets…forget it!; the ‘Nats…please
Phightans go thru the East like a social disease
these are laws bro; these aren’t theories
to the playoffs and the World f’in Series
back on the road where West’ll get fronted!
the bats are back, so lets get ‘bunted…’bunted…’bunted…’bunted…

(scratch break)

Shout out to the Wrizzy co’ getting bizzy!
to my man DB29...stylin like Calvin Klein
and Diamond Girl…with all the curls!
and to my man Bill…get a prenup bro…and I’m out!!!

(fade out beat)

Phillies Bunts Records ®

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Opposite Day

The Wriz has some pretty fucked up dreams. Seriously, most I can’t even tell you about without fear that I’d be institutionalized. Most of the time, I need to consult Urban Dictionary just to be able to explain them. Anyhow, it could have been the Marlins beat down had the Wriz in a mood or maybe I just started dreaming about “blinding the marlin” (see the aforementioned Urban Dictionary for clarification, if necessary.)  Who knows? But I had this crazy vivid dream.

It was Opposite Day. Everything was basically backwards. Good was bad. Up was down. You get the idea. It started at Phillies Bunts head quarters. CJ Hood was writing in complete sentences in the Queen’s English. The Wriz was reading Drunk Phils Fans. DiamondGirl’s cubicle was decorated by photos of DB29 and was allowed within 100 yards of Chase Utley. Bill S. was happily married.

Of course, the Phillies made an appearance. Kyle Kendrick was a fan favorite. Fans were trying to run Cliff Lee out of town. Mick Billmeyer and Larry Andersen were sober. Ruben Amaro Jr. always told the truth. A chair kicked Ryan Madson. (I told you the Wriz had fucked up dreams.)  Wilson Valdez had human hair growing from his chin. Ryan Howard couldn’t pull the ball and admitted he preferred Tony Luke’s cheesesteaks. Charlie Manuel didn’t stutter when he tried to use an adjective other than “good.” Brad Lidge was walking around with a letter from the team doctor which said he’d never be hurt again.

Roy Oswalt was the media’s go-to-guy for sound bytes and quotables unlike Placido Polanco who couldn’t field a reporter’s question let alone a sharp hit ball down the line.  Tom McCarthy didn’t need a bra. Joe Blanton was a model in the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.

But not everything was completely opposite; JC Romero threw 2 strikes before he walked the left handed batter he was brought into face. Due to the fact he has been unconscious on the mound, Cole was unaffected, but Heidi Hamels was. She was completely sane. Roy Halladay wasn’t the best pitcher on the planet, but then again, he was between starts. Jimmy and Shane stilled popped up a lot. I guess some things will never change.

Obviously to make up for the A&F pic

See ya on the basketball court! (Damn, I gotta wake up.)

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Happy Tuesday Bunters!!

We have a long way to go until the 2011 MLB trade deadline but the local and national baseball media is beginning to stir.

Ruben Amaro Jr. has publically stated that he is satisfied with the Phillies offense despite growing fan concerns with the lack of bat productions – particularly of the right handed kind. When RAJ begins to speak on trade rumors, you have to take it for what it’s worth (or NOT Werth… ha! Ok, lame). Halladay, Lee, Oswalt... Clearly this man knows if and when to make a move. He also knows when to bluff or keep his mouth shut.

Soooooo…. What will Ruben do?
After last year’s stealth acquisition of Clifton Phifer Lee in the off season, I would probably be more inclined to ask this: What couldn’t Ruben do?!

Maybe Amaro is telling the truth, that he has no major moves planned for the Phillies and as of June he believes the offense is good enough to get us through the regular season and deep into the post-season. That’s not to say come July his opinion of the state of the offense (or the trade potential) could change.

Fortunately, RAJ is neither my husband nor my boss. If he needs to excuse himself to take late night, hushed-tone phone calls so be it.

In Ruben we trust.

The Phillies served up a different kind of ‘W’ last night at Citizens Bank Park. According to, the annual Phillies Phestival raised $893,000.00. Nice job by both the Phils organization and the fans.

Marlins @ Phillies preview:
Our 40-26 Fightins start a 4-game home stand tonight with against the Florida Marlins.
The 7.5 games back Fish (32-33) went under .500 last nights after a loss to Arizona. Hamels could tie Halladay with his 9th win of the season tonight. Go Cole J

Questions/concerns/ideas/want to know my favorite color? Email me at


Monday, June 13, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Knocked Up Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole as you know it’s always a pleasurable experience for me. On this week’s edition of the alley we’ll talk to the wife of Phillies 2nd Baseman  Jen Utley. I am publishing an email sent to me from Clifton Phifer Lee, update the Most Ridiculous Phillie contest and much more. So let us begin!


If I never see the Pirates play the Phils again I will be a happy man. Unfortunately they come in for a three game sweep at the end of July.

With that said the team played better this week. They even scored some runs. How about 7 on Friday and Saturday? What the hell is going on here?  Is the offense finally back? Utley went yard and had 4 RBIS on Saturday. Polly’s hitting Slams and they did all this with great pitching from their Top 2 dogs.

This is what the team is SUPPOSED to look like. Score 7 runs and give up 1 or 2 and go 162-0!

Speaking of Cliff Lee this leads me to a letter he wrote me after last week’s Blog.

Dear Kornhole,

How dare you compare me to that asshole Baez!!!! I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE! I am a Cy Young Award Winner. I WOULD have been the MVP of the 09 World Series if that shitty offense would have woken up.

I took more money PER YEAR to come to Philly so you people would continue to kiss my ass and like me more than Roy Halladay. Who cares that Halladay is the best pitcher in baseball!? I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE!

I will prove to you how great I am by dominating the competition this week and re-taking the strikeout lead. Why? Because I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE! Now stick to what you know best. Having sex with chicks with BLEEPS!

Worst Regards,


I’ll never say a bad thing about him again I guess.


This week we learned that the wife of Phillies 2nd Baseman Jen Utley was pregnant with her first child. Jen stuck her head into my Kornhole to fill me up with information.

JK: Hi Jen welcome to my Kornhole.
JU: It’s so wonderful to be here. Something about the odor in the air. It smells quite freshing.
JK: Thanks. I try to take special care of my Kornhole.
JU: I can see that.
JK: Let’s get to business. You are expecting. How exciting is this?
JU: I have never been happier. We know I love animals but to have a baby of my own. It’s going to be so beautiful.
JK: Yes. Babies are cute.
JU:  They are. I do have one fear of having this baby.
JK: What’s that?
JU: I’m afraid it may come out with a wacky beard.
JK: That’s almost impossible.
JU: No, it’s not at all. It’s the Father’s genes.
JK: Chase doesn’t come off as a facial hair heavy guy.
JU: So how about Chase. He seems to be playing better.
JK: He has. I’m more into Chase’s beard. So you’re telling me that…
JU: Not to interrupt but do you think it would be weird if I had moved to DC?
JK: Why?
JU: No reason. I’m into politics and fighting for the animals ya know.
JK: I’m sure Chase wouldn’t care for it.
JU: I just want the baby to be close to his or her father.
JK: Well how would that be possible if you lived in DC.
JU: How about Chase up to .242! He’s starting to get hot.
JK: I have a question. When was the last time you slept with Chase?
JU: Did I ever tell you how I love animals.
JK: Is Chase the father?
JU: I am getting worried about the Braves. Seems like they’re making a run!
JK: You didn’t answer the question.
JU: Oh look at the time. I have to go scout the Nationals game for Chase. See ya.


The Phightins end their homestand with a 4 game series against the Florida Fish before heading out to Seattle to visit Kurt Cobain’s grave and face the Seattle Mariners.

As bad as the Marlins have been, I find it hard to believe the Marlins woes will continue.  Not that I think the Fish are a team the Phils need to worry about but I do think they are due to play better. I predict a split in this series. I think the Fish take the doubleheader sweep against Kendrick and Worley to be then followed up by Doc and Phifer dominating the final two games.

Against the M’s, I like the Phils taking 2 of 3. So we’ll say the Phightins go 4-3 this week!


Don’t look now but the Surfer that you people boo for sneezing, is a better pitcher than the son, father and Holy Spirits himself Phifer. The Surfer has been nothing less than awesome this year. He’s had one bad start which was the infamous evening of “Boo’s” at the Bank against the Braves.

Hamels currently stands at 8-2 with a 2.58 ERA. He has a career ERA a 3.45 which is better than Phifer’s 3.82 career ERA. Phifer will AVERAGE 25 million a year. Does Hamels deserve more?

The off-season will be here sure enough and assuming Ruben doesn’t sign Cole during the year it may come down to the same fans who Phifer decided he wanted to play in front of, that makes that same decision for the Surfer. Long term, I feel more comfortable with Cole “World Series MVP” Hamels than I do Phifer. So, maybe it’s time you anti-surfers get over your Prejudices’ and show Cole the love you showed Phifer.


Enjoy this final run by Madson because he’s finished as a Phillie after this year. Unlike Cole, I am not worried about losing Madson. I like Madson, and I really like him in the closer’s role. He’s been very good and less stressful than Mr. Perfect 2008.

With that said Ryan is going to command upwards to the 12 Million range and with Scott Boras representing Ryan there is no chance in hell he takes a penny less. So, with that said it’s time to look at our pen and see which of the following two could come in and close.

I think it’s safe to say that the two best candidates for the closers role are Bastardo and Stutes. Both can look dominating at times. Both are young and both seem they can come in pressure situations and do their job.

I like Stutes in the role more than I like Bastardo. I think Bastardo can be a nasty setup man for years to come. Either way, I love these two kids as the future of our back end. How about you?


The 2nd Round of the Most Ridiculous Phillie contest continues with the Levya Region. Click on the links below and vote who deserves a slot in the Sweet 16. But first, here are the results of the first round.

#1 Wally Richie 73-27 #16 Kim Batiste
#8 Toby Borland 57-43 #9 Jeff Manton
#4 Bruce Ruffin 64-36 #13 Joe Boever
#5 Randy Ready 64-36 #12 Darren Akerfelds
#2 Dale Sveum 79-21 #15 Tom Nieto
#10 Todd Frohwirth 57-43 #7 Ricky Jordan
#14 Brad Brink 71-29 #3 Marvin Freeman
#6 Sil Capusano 71-29 #11 Stan Javier

Thanks for checking out my Kornhole this week. Don’t forget you can email me at