Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Hangover

One of the most terrifying feelings is after a night of legendary partying, you wake up and you open your eyes and wonder “Where the fuck am I?”  It’s not a good feeling, so terrible in fact, you don’t even realize the severity of your hangover. You don’t move. You just stare at the unfamiliar color that is an inch from your eye. 

That’s the feeling I have right now in regards to the Phillies.  No clue how or what to think. When I finally get my bearings, will I know this team? So many key components could be gone. Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt have been notified their options won’t be picked up. The team has said they will still continue to negotiate with them. Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Madson and Raul Ibanez are all free agents. And then there are those who are up for arbitration: Cole Hamels, Hunter Pence and Kyle Kendrick. While they will be back, the direction Rueben Amaro Jr. takes now can and will effect how the players will proceed in the future with regards to the Phillies and free agency.

You regret letting your friends talk you into those shots.

Maybe the Phillies regret the deal they gave Howard. Maybe they don’t. From the outset I said it was a bad deal. It’s a fact; players built like Howard break down with age. Sure, when the Phillies asked him to lose weight he did and showed his dedication to the team, but I’d rather have seen a dedication to learning the finer aspects of hitting like taking the ball the other way. I understand why they did it. Signing Howard to a long term deal before Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder got their deals may have kept the cost down but was it the right approach?

“Should I try to slip out unnoticed?” you think, but then you hear someone else stirring about.

The fear of the unknown isn’t helping matters any. Where Pujols and Fielder end up could bump the Phillies from their perennial place as the team to beat.  The thing with Fielder and Pujols being the best free agents on the market is where could they sign? The teams with money already have first baseman. The Red Sox have Adrian Gonzalez. The Yanks have Teixeria. The Angels have Mark Trumbo and Kendrys Morales. The Cardinals have shown they are a worthy foe and that’s without CY Young candidate Adam Wainwright who had Tommy John surgery before the season. I can’t imagine Pujols signing elsewhere but with Theo Epstein going to the Cubs maybe they make a push?

There is a good chance that when you roll over somehow someway you made it home and everything will be okay.

The one thing I have faith in is the ability of Amaro to do his job. Maybe the team will look different, but Amaro has shown he can bring in suitable replacements. He did it when he brought Ibanez to town for the departed Pat Burrell. He did it when replaced Pedro Feliz with Placido Polanco.

Your cell starts blowing up. Better check for drunken texts.

Yeah, its gonna take me a while to be okay with this one.

See ya…oh shit there’s that hangover.

See ya at the medicine cabinet.

Jay Wrizight

Friday, October 14, 2011

the Final Countdown

Hoodwink’d             by cj hood
the Final Countdown 


25 Positive Things About the Phils Losing the NLDS:

25.  Now I can get to bed on time.     #afterwebporn

24.  My wife could finally catch up on the “Real World Challenge Teen Moms of Jersey City."     #mindlessbullshit

23.  Chooch could finish up his Rosetta Stone course on English.     #kingsenglish

22.  T*Mac will finally be able to pose for that Moobs magazine centerfold.     #selfbreastexam

21.  Cholly could now get good use out of his Ed Hardy shirt collection.     #actyourage

20.  J*Roll could be courted by other MLB teams.     #fiveyearsmyass

19.  Doc could plan his fly fishing trip with Carpenter.     #drownthefucker

18.  Oswalt could pack up his storage facility.     #acetoass

17.  Big Daddy Shane could get fitted for a truss.     #carriedoffense

16.  NetFather could start dating again.     #morewivesthanlarryking

15.  Lee could watch his buddies on the Rangers win the World Series.     #fml

14.  Ricky Bo could take some anger management classes.     #umadbro

13.  Madson could go Brink’s truck shopping.     #wererichbitch

12.  Kornhole could get his tv/radio/movie career up and running.     #dreamweaver

11.  CJ Hood could read Blogging for Dummies and post his own work     #computerilliterate 

10.  Cholly could finish up his wrist tattoo: Rollins, Victorino, Utley, Howard & Pence, just in case he forgets.     #f'eduplineup

9.   Blanton could finally finish those 3 sit-ups he started last off season.     #souse

8.   Sarge will be able to finish his Bangin Pootytangin’ World Tour.     #wheredawhitewomenat

7.   Wheel’s will finally get to AMS Salon to match the carpet w/the toupee.     #graypubes

6.   Amaro will get his new website up and running: 

5.   DB29 will be able to spend more time on his first love:  Bedazzling!     #diamondcrustedballs

4.   Chase could finally accept Diamond Girl’s offer for tea and roofies.     #daterape

3.   Pence could take Pat Burrell’s junior college course:  Single Guy’s Survival Guide of Philly.     #dontgetclap

2.   The offense could watch & pray the Eagles don’t win another game.     #pressuresoffus

1.   Howard’s gonna release his first cd under his hiphop name Toofer 19.     #letsgetbunted

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Daddy War-bux!

Hoodwink’d       by cj hood
Daddy War-bux!

Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems


Are we in trouble next year, Amaro
Are there are any more dollars Reuben Amaro, to sign a bat
Thinking about next year, Amaro
Makes me nervous and filled with sorrow,
Is J*Roll done?

Our lineup is old, it’s cold and moldy
Howard is hurt and Madson wants cash

Ohhhhhhh. We need hitters who work the count, Amaro
Can we put our trust in Reuben Amaro,
Come what may
Amaro, Amaro, you signed Doc Amaro
And gave the finger to the Blue Jays

Is Chase washed up, Amaro
Pence kinda sucked in the playoffs, Amaro
Come what may,
Amaro, Amaro, you brought Lee back Amaro
Don’t want to go the Eagles way
Amaro, Amaro, I luv ya Amaro
But not in a homo way.

Amaro, Amaro, I luv ya, Amaro

Spring Training is a 100 some, days, awaaaaay!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Freebee for RAJ

I know. I know. The Wriz should have definitely written something by now. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t put even one sentence together that explained how I felt, what the Phillies did wrong or where they should go from here.

Last year, I didn’t watch one out of the World Series. For references sake, I’d watch a Mets/Yankees game if it were the only game on. Hell, I couldn’t even turn on the radio or TV because it just hurt too much to hear them mention the Phillies. They were down 3 games to 2 in the NLCS and I never doubted them one bit, even when Giants went ahead in game 6. Stunned was probably the best way to describe how I felt after Big Brown took a called strike three. Maybe it was just as much about Howard not swinging as it was about the Phillies losing. I don’t know. But a few weeks later, I was back eager to talk Fightins baseball with whoever would listen.

This year has been different. I even watched like 3 innings of the Detroit/Texas series although I still can’t bear to watch the NLCS. Maybe it was different because I wasn’t convinced they could do it. The ghost of a Philadelphian sports fan who I thought I left behind on October 29, 2008 showed up during the Cardinals series. He’s the one that endured 25 years of futility. He’s the one that knows when the game is on the line Howard will strike out. McNabb will throw to Rhonde Barber. And Leon Stickle will call a phantom offsides. He’s the one who sits back and laughs when I get my employment evaluations and time and time again I’m referred to as “the most negative person they’ve ever met.” Usually, I just blow it off as my boss doesn’t have many employees who will speak their mind and say when something is screwed up. I’ve been told to come up with a solution that will fix the problem. My response? “Pay me Bitch!”

Do I feel somewhat responsible for the Phillies loss due to my lack of faith? Nope, while I may be superstitious enough to wear my lucky red striped socks to every playoff game I attended. I know the Phillies game would have the same outcome no matter what I did or thought. If it did, I love the Phillies enough to see a therapist to change my attitude.

Next year, the Phillies will still be a good team although they could have a different look and even a different attitude if the team Swag generator aka Jimmy Rollins leaves for greener pastures.

Seriously, I love the Phillies. I love them enough to give some free advice.

First, the post season medical report rivals the length of War and Peace. Give the players and particularly the stars more days off. I’d rather see the Phillies clinch closer to October anyhow. They need to be healthy and ready to play at game speed for the playoffs.

Next, Charlie has been a fan favorite since they hoisted the WFC trophy in ’08. While the Wriz likes his personality, his managerial skills not so much. Maybe the players “want to play for him,” but when push comes to shove a shrew in game move can go a long way. Manuel puts out his line-up and lets the players and worse yet the opposing manager dictate the game.

Finally, the biggest conversation has been about how and where the Phillies should spend their money. Let’s be realistic, the Phillies have always been about turning a profit and while they have been spending more money each season they do have a self-imposed cap. Hamels should be your #1 priority. Then Madson and then Jimmy. I love Jimmy as much as the next guy but a 5 year contract for a shortstop when he has battled leg injuries the past 2 years is a bad deal. I have no problems with some of the veterans returning if the come back at a reduced rate. Ibanez has long been written off as “good as gone.” But does Howard’s injury and a possible temporary move to first for Mayberry open the door back up for Raul?

While I offered some free advice, Ruben, you could offer me some free Opening Day Tickets. There is  more where that came from.

See ya at the ballpark L

Jay Wrizight

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It's Over, Johnny.

It's Tuesday, but I'm NOT happy. Let's skip the bullshit and talk about how we REALLY feel.
I don't know about you, but I'm REALLY pissed off.

If you would have told me I would be sitting here on the Walt Whitman Bridge in early October (along with my friends "Phanatic" and that stupid Bird mascot whose name I dont have a clue), I would have probably called you a liar. Better yet, I'd probably have called you a pathetic Mets fan. I would fix you a nice tall glass of haterade and shrug your nonsense off like I have been for the past couple of seasons.Instead, I'm sitting here on a bridge sipping on a warm mug of "WTF".
My heart was broken into a million little pieces on a beautiful early October Friday evening. Like any normal stalker does after a nasty break up, I went through my Bunts blogs and reminisced on the season that should have been. I cried, I laughed, I threw blunt objects at my wall. I dreamt of Chase, Roy, Clifton and Jimmy scoring like no one's business (not all at once dirt balls... haha). I started to call my cat "Sebastian Le Toux", as it seems that the Philadelphia Union may go further in the playoffs than our beloved Phillies (DOOP!). And now I simply have nothing but sadness to spread to my faithful readers.

What really threw me over the edge??? I felt like a fucking Eagles fan. I sat and watched the season that was "Written in the Stars" (aka Rube's checkbook) fall apart faster than a knock off Coach bag. The frustration I felt over the lack of run support mimicked the frustration my guy feels pretty much any time they show fat boy Andy Reid on TV: We know what the god damn problem is. It just didn't get any better when the time called for it.

UGH. How many days until Pitchers and Catchers report?!?!

It's going to take a while to get over this one, Philadelphia. I think it's time for me to climb off the edge of this bridge, quit listening to The Smiths and swap my Utley jersey for my Flyers one. Life goes on. The boys in Orange and Black are looking pretty good so far, and like I mentioned above the "U" are about to start a campaign in the postseason. Not too shabby, Philly.

Have a great week (or try to, at least).

I'll be reporting next week from gorgeous Tampa, FL... I should hope to be in a little sunnier mood by then. If not, I need some serious help.



Sunday, October 9, 2011

This is Gonna Leave a Mark

Two years in a row now, I got to see Ryan Howard make the last out to end the Phillies season. As he approached the plate, I was hoping he would at least draw a walk so he wouldn't get bashed the entire offseason again. It seemed like a lot of people in attendance were waiting for him to fail. As he lay on the ground with a ruptured Achilles I heard a guy yell, "Good, now you can retire!". How quick we forget.  I actually heard Howard Eskin say yesterday that "Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino need to choke up on the bat". So now you're a hitting coach Eskin? Aren't you the same unathletic, zit faced kid who never played a sport in your life? In your own words, you are the biggest 'Fraud' this city ever had, and that's saying a lot since Adam Eaton played here. Go back to falsely reporting injuries on the Eagles sideline like you did 2 weeks ago. The Dog Killer didn't break his hand as you reported. I can't believe you don't get called on your sh!t. I will never bash any player who helps give us a parade. The championship victory is it for me. Once you win a championship for all of us, you get a lifetime pass. In my weird mind I have more respect for Eric Bruntlett and Pedro Feliz then Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee. I am 43 years old and have seen 5 championship teams in this city. There have been 172 seasons for the Phillies, Eagles, Flyers and Sixers during my lifetime. Five times the Philly team was the last one standing. Jimmy, Chase and Ryan may end up elsewhere in the near future but we don't need to kick them out the door.

This team is old. Not one player under 30 in the starting lineup till Hunter Pence got here. The fact that they had a bunch of injuries the last few years is no coincidence. Maybe time is catching up to them. Maybe they did it in reverse, 2008 could have been the pinnacle for this squad. In 1977 and 1978 the Phillies won 101 games but it took till 1980 to get to the top. Do we throw this run to the curb if we only ever get the 2008 World Series championship? It wasn't that long ago that Desi Relaford was your starting shortstop. Take it from someone who has seen a lot of bad Phillies teams, this is still where we want to be, early playoff exit and all.

I will try to look on the bright side. My life isn't over, just a baseball season. I will kiss my beautiful wife and enjoy the fact that my newest addition is 6 months old today. I still have a baseball game to go to today, it's a Babe Ruth Fall ball game and I get to see the best catcher in the area not named 'Chooch'. I am not saying we can't grieve a little. They won 102 games then ripped out our hearts, but we had a better week than Steve Jobs and Al Davis. It could be worse, we could be Mets fans.

Keep It Classy Philly!


Saturday, October 8, 2011

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Don't know if I'm pissed, crushed, or guilty


Yesterday morning at 8:40am, I walked out my front door on the way to work. I was greeted by the beautiful sound of wood bats cracking against horsehide. Some of you may not know but I live directly across the street from the SF Giants spring training facility in Scottsdale, AZ. Three drop dead gorgeous baseball fields. One next to the other. Maintained the same way as the best golf courses out here. I can only guess it was Fall ball practice for one of the teams here, but not sure. It also sits next to one of the best gyms in the state, Club Sar, and across the street from the Scottsdale Culinary Institute known across the country. Great location, unless you've been a Phillies fan since 1958, but great none the less.

I took those cracks to be an omen. They made me smile bigtime so in my mind that was a good omen. Turned out to be a double whammy, as I cooked up a little white lie to leave work early and catch two game 5's for both my teams. Yes, I like the Dbacks, how could a baseball fan not like them? But when they're head to head I go to Chase wearing Phillie gear and rooting for home, same as I do when the Eagles come here, along with the Flyers.

So the baseball gods gave me a double fuck you. I was watching the Dbacks, with my playoff tickets picked out online. All they had to do was win and I click check out... but the Dbacks checked out instead. At least they went out with heads held high, overachievers maybe, but still high. They had nothing to mourn. In fact, things haven't looked so good here for them for quite a while. I just wish it had been anybody BUT that asshole Morgan/TPlush/whatever. He makes my skin crawl and reminds me why I'm not on Twitter.

Then, I settled in for one of the biggest disappointments of my life. Each inning gone by I felt a little more life drain from my fat old body. I swear this year was worse than last year. We have become the Yankees... overpaid and underachieving. Until this week, I had thought that this year was Chollie's best job ever, keeping us on top of MLB by juggling Valdez, Martinez, Mayberry, Schneider, Stutes, Bastardo, Worely, Kendrick et all. Even handling Hamels and Oswalt's injuries too... but it was all smoke and no fire. BUT... then came this week. WHY he didn't bat Victorino third and Pence fifth I'll never know. As much as I'd like to I'm not gonna rip Howard, and feel bad he popped his Achilles. I will only say that Kirk Gibson would not have molly coddled this team the way Chollie did the last week or two, and I think that's exactly what they needed... their collective asses kicked as a wakeup.

So here I sit, Sat morning, 11am, getting bunted. Alternating between rum and coke, vodka and iced tea, and Michelob Ultra... wondering if my little white lie is the root cause of my feeling like shit... or if the baseball gods actually have a plan. All I can say is if they do have a plan, I can tell you it sucks royal azz, and after each drink I have to change my screen resolution to finish this. Let's all get bunted, and go Flyers!

                                                Bill S/aka netfather

Epic Phail

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Epic Phail

My prediction from last March:
I love Cliff Lee, but the Phils needed to sign a bat…not another ace.  All the Phightins' would need to do is score 3 runs/game all season in order to win a World Series.  However, with Werth gone and not a solid bat to replace him I am optimistic about any destiny being fulfilled.  With that being said I predict the Phillies will 5peat as NL East Champs, but the chances of them winning it all are about as real as Glen Beck's tears.  


Kool Moe Dee used to grade other rappers on the back of his records…a hiphop report card if you will.  Here’s my report card:

  • Chooch - B.  His defense & handling the Aces was superb as per usual.  However, his injuries prevented him from being a solid hitter.  On any other team, he’d be an A.  

  • Polanco - B+.  Polly’s first half of the season was an A.  While the second half was a B.  His defense is second to none, but not his bat.  However, like Weird Al, he was ‘living with a hernia.’  His manager should have started Valdez during the playoffs and used Polly if we needed the ‘D.  You’ll hear more about that later.

  • J*Roll - B.  Stellar defense, but plagued with injuries.  His bat came around when it counted, but it was a little too late.  I think he should be re-signed, but at a much lower rate.

  • Chase - B.  I didn’t think Chase would start til after the All Star break, but I was wrong.  Like his teammates, he had stellar D but a weak bat.  Your base running during the playoffs was piss poor.  Does ‘daddy’ need to phinally let go of his Prodigal Son?

  • Raul - B+.  Although he’s streaky, he still played above everyone’s expectations.  He’s gets the grade he does cuz he‘s 39 and doesn‘t have the huge contract.  Re-sign him as a PH and drop Gload!

  • Big Daddy Shane - A.  Thank Shane for your 102 wins!  Solid D AND solid bat!  That debacle of a play in St. Louis was his only blemish.  Shane’s one of 3 guys I would actually keep on this team (if possible).

  • Pence - A-.  The spark & hunger the Phils needed to finish the season.  His playoff performance was subpar, but I think the future of this team should be built around him.

  • Mayberry - A. Won the game on opening day.  Your future left fielder and clean up hitter.  Eventually, he’ll be everything we hoped Howard would be.

  • Doc - A+.  I’d feel bad for you if you weren’t a multimillionaire.  You’re a true professional that was worth every penny!  I hope your colleagues could get you your ring before you retire.

  • Lee - A.  A class act that had a great season.  Your manager should have taken you out during your shaky outing in the playoffs, but it is what it is.  Keep on keeping homie!

  • Hamels - A.  Home grown talent that was lucky enough to get more run support this year.  I’d love for you to stay a Phillie, but we need a bat.  I hope Amaro does the right thing.

  • Oswalt - B.  Your season ended when that tornado ripped up your town.  I’m a family guy, so I can relate.  Although you came on strong at the end, I feel your heart wasn’t in it.

  • Worley - A+.  You came through when we needed you and showed the poise of a veteran.  Glad he’s a Phil!

  • Bastardo & Stutes - A-.  Things WILL get better.  Looking forward to your progress.

  • Madson - A+.  Self explanatory.  We need bats and we can groom Bastardo to close.  Good luck wherever you end up.

  • Valdez - B+.  You did everything, but park cars!  You should have seen more time in the playoffs.

  • Martinez - C.  You’d be a valuable player if you learned how to hit.

  • Francisco - N/A.  Howard owes you his check.

Peace out to:  Gload, Lidge, Blanton & Kendrick. (unless it’s not contractually possible)

  • Ryan Howard - C+ You are the Donovan McNabb of this team…great guy/terrible in the clutch.  You get paid $120mill+ to put the ball in play despite who’s pitching and how the opposing defense looks.  Going for yard against the Mets doesn’t cut it.  I thought it couldn’t get any worse for you after last year, but it did.  Your collapse out of the box is your ‘puking at the Super Bowl.’  Like herpes, you’re going to be around for a while.  Hence, something needs to change.  With money comes responsibility…start being a leader!


  • Uncle Cholly - B+.  When LaRussa used his bullpen in Game 2 the way he did I thought to myself ‘that is what managing is all about.’  I love Charlie, but feel that he relies too much on the talent and not on his ‘chess play.’  Case in point, not pulling a double switch in St. Louis resulting in Madson having to bat.  Also, not playing Valdez for Polanco or using Mayberry. And leaving Lee in too long.  It’s not ‘08 anymore, you need to use the talent you have in a better way.

Last night the Phillies became the Yankees…overpriced athletes that don’t produce.  And I’m not a sh*tty fan and it’s not sour grapes.  I could deal with the loss if they actually came to play.  Halladay pitched a masterpiece and the offense couldn’t come up with 2 runs. They couldn't hit against Edwin Jackson for Pete (Orr)'s sake.  The Cards didn’t beat the Phils, the Phils beat themselves.  The guys with the big contracts and rings from ‘08 couldn’t produce.  In a perfected world, I’d start from scratch next season keeping the pitching staff, Chooch, Victorino & Pence.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that’s what we did for the 2nd year in a row. Next week, I’ll hit you up with some lighthearted LOL’s….let’s get ‘bunted!


This pretty much sums up how I feel:

The Wriz

Friday, October 7, 2011

Phlippin' Out!

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Phlippin' Out!

This is a rant: F’ English & proper grammar!
I was hired by this illustrious company as an LOL Man and I love it.  Making dick jokes is my thang!  My FB friends can attest to that.  Save the bball knowledge to DB & the Wriz.  However, it's not always sunshine & roses in Camp Hood.  If you asked if “I was mad bro?", I'd say “F’ Yeah...I'm pissed."  So upset that I'm forced to breakdown and write this edition in paragraph form like a commoner.  No jokes, no cute pictures…nothing.  Before I put heads on blast lets get one thing straight...I'm a fan, not a phanatic.  There is a difference.  I love the Phils, but I am smart enough not to drink the kool-aid and think everything the Phils do is copasetic. I'm not scared, I don't need a dog and I am a true fan.  AND BEGIN...  
I told you last March that the Phils didn't need another Ace, they needed a bat.  I love Lee, but they had a good starting rotation with Doc, Hamels & Oswalt.  Blanton got hurt, Worley stepped in and things were even better.  Except for the hitting.  As I watch this series w/the Cards all I can think about is Cody Ross & Howard getting caught looking.  I know that was last year, but have things really changed? Hells no!  This year it’s not Ross, but Rossesess: Freese, Pujols, Berkman, Theriot et al.  And on our side: JRoll, Jimmy Rollins and J. Rollins.   That'd be it.  Any coinky dink that JRoll is in a contract year? 
Ryan Howard aka Mr. RBI, bully of the Mets, Nats & Marlins...who cares bro?  That's like winning a medal in the Special Olympics...straight up retawded!  Howard is not worth $121 million.  Howard homeruns or strikes out...there's very little in between.  And don’t blame the Howard Shift…learn to pull the ball.  Is he clutch?  Like PE crooned "Can't Truss it!" Pitchers walk Pence to get to him.  WHERE ELSE DO YOU SEE THE 3 HOLE HITTER GETTING WALKED TO GET TO THE CLEAN UP BATTER? Would we walk Pujols to get to Berkman….f’ no!  Rookies wearing pink tutus isn’t embarrassing, going 0-? in your hometown is.  Bench Howard and let the squirrel bat clean up.
Heads are saying to relax cuz we got Doc tomorrow.  We could have Jesus pitching and it won’t make a difference if only 2 of our guys are hitting.  Edwin Jackson beat us and now we have to face Carpenter!
Even if they win tonight, the problem is still there…it’s been there all year.  Great pitching could easily get you through the NL East, but that’s about it.  I say trade Hamels for a solid bat.  I’d say the same about Rollins, but there aren’t a lot of shortstops available right now.  

I don’t want to see any of these homegrown heroes go, but enough is enough.  
At this point it doesn’t matter which playoff team won 102 games during the regular season and who made it in as a Wild Card.  Have the Phils reached their plateau for this era?  They got knocked out of the NLCS in ‘07, won the Series in ‘08, lost the series in ‘09 and lost the NLDS last year.  Most of this team have their rings and their contracts, but do they still have the heart?  The hunger to win?  I guess we’ll find out tonight.  LET’S GET PHUCKIN’ BUNTED!!!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Little Squirrelly

For the most part, conspiracy theories are a bunch of bullshit. Propaganda, not based in reality, used to sway you to believe something that the mere facts themselves won’t let any rational person believe.  The moon landing was a hoax. Oswalt (Lee Harvey not Lil Roy) didn’t act alone. Gas prices go down in an election year so you think the president is doing a good job…..oh wait that one is legit. I’m not one to talk conspiracy theories, but sometimes you just can’t ignore that there is too many coincidences to not have some basis in reality.

I’m not talking about the fact Pujols is complaining about the start time of the game and the resulting shadows. You fucking crybaby. If I’m not mistaken, both teams used the same mound and batter boxes and had the same benefits and disadvantaged the shadows caused. I’m not talking about the obvious change in the strike zone during game 2.  I’m talking about the 6 inch 6 pound rodent terror unleashed on the Phillies/Cardinals game last night.

For the following reasons, I believe the squirrel was a trained and was on the field with a purpose.

First, the squirrel was not afraid of humans. Most times you see a squirrel, it simple runs up the tree to get away. This squirrel was in a stadium with a crowd of 50,000. Not natural.

Second, the Phillies were in the field and weren’t the least bit affected nor apprehensive. While I can understand grown men aren’t afraid of squirrels, I would have been a tad leery to chase down a ball down the line while the squirrel was just chillin under the wall padding.

Lastly, if a squirrel can learn to water ski, they can be taught to out-think Tony LaRussa.

Now what was the Phillies use for the squirrel? These are pure conjecture but I expect the truth to come out sometime between now and after the last current Phillie retires.

#9. Just a Phillies fan, who could afford tickets from stub hub so he hitched a ride to St Louis but couldn’t figure out the seating chart.

#8. He was the combo meal #4 in Big Mac Land which would explain the fans trying to grab him. If you catch your dinner, it’s free.

#7. He actually worked for TBS and was sent out so the announcers had something to talk about besides how great J’aime Garcia is.

#6. He has no real job or use. He’s just a pet that Stutes carries around in the Dora backpack. This would also explain the bullpen’s affinity for Pistachio Girl. She’s the squirrel’s main source of nutrition

#5. He works for the Cardinals. He plucks LaRussa’s eyebrows. He saw a stray.

Squirrel "I told you there be hell to pay if you squirmed"
#4. He was a messenger sent by the landscaping company. Albert was late for his second job.

#3.  He’s a trained pickpocket sent by the Cards to swipe Worley’s sweet-ass specs.

#2. He’s been trained by Mick Bilmeyer to steal signs. The shadows were making it hard for him to do his job and got over eager and tried to find a more suitable spying location.

#1. Just a distraction to get J’aime Garcia off his game. I think you, me and Ben Franciso would agree it worked.

Anyway, the good news is I’ve stopped sweating and my heart rate has returned to normal. The better news is Oswalt’s on the hill and the Phillies are closing it out TONIGHT!

See ya at the ball park!

Jay Wrizight

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

That Shit was for the Birds.

Happy Tuesday Bunters!


Ok, so it wasn’t just any ol’ WIN for the St. Louis Cardinals, it was a win in Sunday’s game 2 of the NLDS… against our beloved Ace Clifton Phifer Lee. It was a win despite the Fightins having a four-run lead early on. It was a win in a best of 5series, a win in Citizens Bank Park, a win that sealed the deal for a sucktastic day in Philadelphia sports history (unless you’re Kornhole, who rather enjoyed the Eagles losing to the 49ers early Sunday afternoon).

It happens, right? A loss in the playoffs isn’t completely out of the realm of possibility here and there, no matter how beastly your pitching staff may be. However - I don’t think anyone ever expected it to happen with ‘The Clifton’ pitching against a short-rested Chris Carpenter and Cards relievers. I also don’t think we may have expected it happening at CBP this early in the postseason, and I definitely wasn’t expecting Jimmy Rollins (or so say the media) to call out disappointed fans-in-attendance for ‘not being loud enough’.

Whatever the hell happened Sunday night, let’s fucking hope it doesn’t happen again tonight (pardon my French). Blame who you want until you’re blue in this face (this goes for both players and fans). Hell, I even got into the blame game personally after touting Lee on my FB page for “dealing”… only to have him fall apart 38 minutes later in the 6th inning (just as I jumped into a quick shower). Go ahead, Blame ME if it makes anyone feel ANY better. When it comes to sports I can be pretty superstitious like most fans; I also have an awful reputation as a Phillies ‘Mush’ so maybe I did have something to do with the epic failure that begun in the 6th inning. Regardless, ‘The Clifton’ did not piss excellence Sunday evening and the bats went silent precisely at the worst time possible. This can again invoke the season long debate of whether the Phillies can win a World Series with their usually stellar pitching squad and an on-again/off-again offense. I think the answer was given on Sunday loud and clear: No.

The pressure on the pitchers right now is extreme and definitely warranted BUT the bats need to stay awake if we intend to continue this journey through October. You may not have realized this but Lee lost his third straight postseason decision Sunday night. No man/pitching stud is immune to a bad outing once in a while. Yet when that poor outing happens in the postseason, that pitchers’ team needs to get their shit together quickly because every single out counts… hopefully in enough time where it doesn’t lead to an all too early final out of the season.

With momentum naturally moving into the Cardinals favor tonight, the Phillies need to get an offensive burst going early as a showdown between lefties Cole Hamels (14-9; 2.79) and Jaime Garcia (13-7; 3.56) squares off in St. Louis at 5:00.

As the MLB postseason commercials say, “Legends are born in October”. Without *CONSISTENT* offensive support by the Phillies for their pitching staff, the road through October (when the legends are supposed to be born) could come to an abrupt stop.

It’s NOT time to sound the alarms, there’s really not one person to put the blame on. But playoff baseball is contingent on the efforts of an entire team. It’s simply time for the bats to wake the hell up – and stay that way.

I EXPECT to be back with you next week getting my NLCS on.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Monday Morning QB/Pitcher

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Monday Morning QB/Pitcher


-Just another Manic Monday…wish it was a Sunday (just not yesterday).
-was the Eagles playbook left in the Phillies dugout?
-U mad Tony?
-Marshall Harris called Wheels spectacular during pregame…WTF?!?
-Tony LaRussa needs to cut his Just For Men application in half.
-at least all of my friends’ teams lost yesterday.
-Lee produced more hits than Berry Gordy.
-Fire Andy Reid.
-can’t Worley pitch 2 innings in relief?
-DB29 should have farted on that ladies’ coat.
-Hey Sager…Lawrence Welk called…he needs his jacket back!
-Can someone get me a rally towel?
-at least the Yankees lost.
-I thought the Cards had a shitty bullpen?
-yesterday was the 2nd worst day in Philly history (worst day - day Will Smith was born).
-Mike Greenberg couldn’t letter in charades. 
-Karen Carpenter would have done a better job than Chris Carpenter last night.
-I had more faith in Lee than I did in Halladay….go figure.
-Michael J Fox has a more definitive strike zone than Jerry Meals does.
-at least the Cowboys lost.
-is Yadier Molina a blood or a crypt? (its so hard to tell these days)
-Howard always shines in his hometown!
-Re-sign Ibanez.
-Animal Planet would do a better job covering the playoffs than TBS.
-Lance Berkman looks like an extra from Meatballs II.
-They’re remaking the Crying Game with Tony LaRussa in the lead.
-if I got my picture taken next to Prince Fielder I’d be referred to as the thin guy.
-Yankees fans would rather see Carol Burnett take the hill in Detroit.

My prediction from last March:
I love Cliff Lee, but the Phils needed to sign a bat…not another ace.  All the Phightins' would need to do is score 3 runs/game all season in order to win a World Series.  However, with Werth gone and not a solid bat to replace him I am optimistic about any destiny being fulfilled.  With that being said I predict the Phillies will 5peat as NL East Champs, but the chances of them winning it all are about as real as Glen Beck's tears.  

-was my prediction right?………let’s get ’bunted!!! 

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Violations Abound

Playoff time brings out the bandwagon. I am not talking about the quasi fans who only watch during the playoffs. I'm talking about the local media. Like the late local news, who lead off every broadcast with Phillies news. During the regular season, you would have to wait 22 minutes to get a Phillies score and highlights. Now, it's the first story every night. They have a reporter at some bar with a bunch of idiotic, screaming fans all jumping around like the morons that they are. What is it about wanting to get on TV that makes people lose their minds? The reporter ends up interviewing some people who couldn't pick Ryan Madson out of a lineup. I guess to keep my sanity I won't watch, easy enough. But one local news station has committed a 'Violation' so egregious I can't let it go. Fox 29 News has put a banner up on top of their building to count down the wins the Phillies need to win the World Series. Before last night's game they hung a huge '11' banner. WTF! Why are these 'Johnny Come Lately's' messing with my team's mojo? Don't they know anything about jinxes? What ever happened to 'One game at a time'? I was actually hoping John Anderson would fall off the roof. That would be a story I would love to see. Am I the only one who is annoyed by their ignorance? Please, no Phillies cap on top of William Penn.

On a totally different subject, why does it seem like some people attending playoff games are watching the Phillies for the first time. Or attending their first baseball game ever? There was a woman behind me that thought the game was over after the 1st inning because the Phils were down 3-0. Can't people grasp the concept that's its OK to be down early? Then I heard, "Throw strikes Halladay", after he walked Pujols on 4 pitches in the 1st. How do you explain the 'Unintentional, Intentional walk' to this nit wit? Thank God, Halladay settled in to his best performance as a Phillie. He went on to retire 21 straight batters after a shaky start. Truly amazing. Ryan Howard shut up all the doom and gloomers with a titanic blast. Maybe they kept babbling on but after Raul launched a homer of his own I couldn't hear them the rest of the game. Another point for first time attendees, if someone needs to get by you need to stand up. Why do they think my 265 pound, fat ass can squeeze by if they just move their legs? Serenity Now!

Let's end on a positive note. Charlie Manuel is a freakin' genius! He only trotted out last night’s lineup 7 times before last night. They were 7-0 in those games. This lineup is sick. He kept it under wraps for the playoffs. Brilliant. Keep doing your thing Charlie. The guy in the other dugout may think he invented baseball managing, but you perfected it. Let's hear it for the most valuable person in the Phillies organization. CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!

Keep It Classy Philly!