Thursday, May 31, 2012

Meet, Greet, Repeat

Hoodwink’d by cj hood
Meet, Greet, Repeat

June is a busy time in Camp Hood: coaching Little League, my sons’ bday, my bday, Father’s Day and now the super sensational annual Phillies Bunts Meet & Greet event. So needless to say, it’s tough laying down the LOLz on a weekly basis. Last week I decided to take my first Personal Day from my award winning blog…f’ it, no one else is writing! But then the Wriz texted me Friday night asking where my piece was and I felt all guilty cuz I was raised by an Italian-Catholic mother and that’s how I roll! So in honor of a semi-surging Phightans team plagued by injuries and a surging Meet & Greet festival that has increased tenfold, I bring you a double dose of Hoodwink’d….enjoy!

-16 wins in May!!!
-all the fanfare over Halladay & Lee when it’s homegrown Hamels that’s getting the job done.
-big ups to the 76ers…now they are some real PHIGHTANS!
-continued kudos to Chooch!
-if it’s not our bats, it’s our bullpen.
-I got my kids a puppy. #FML
-don’t trade Hamels for a bat…trade Halladay!
-the puppy puked in the car after the Phils bet the Mutts on Sunday. #truestory #doubleFML
-Lou Williams looks like Dres from the Black Sheep.
-ya ever imagine a time when Kendrick would be our 2nd best pitcher?
-Phillies are dropping like the ‘Bunts staff. #DB #Kornhole #Eugene #DGirl
-if it’s not our bullpen, it’s our pitching.
-Marlins Park is selling out about as fast as a Vanilla Ice show in North Philly.
-hot weather in Philly only means one thing: Altar Boy swim parties!!!
-Wriz vs DB29 is the undercard to the Lee/Victorino match.
-Vegas has Pierre as the next Phillie to get hurt. #placeyourbets
-if it’s not our pitching, it’s our defense.
-Jrue Holiday looks like Phife from Tribe Called Quest.
-LOL @ those who think Utley’s coming back.
-lil Roy signed with the Rangers. #theirbad
-I was going to title this ep Double Fantasy, but I don’t do nudity.
-my favorite Phils blogs (besides the Bunts) are ‘Qualls Blows’ & ‘Pence Laxa Defense’
-if it’s not our defense, it’s our injuries.
-you know things are going bad when Polanco makes an error.
-that naked guy in Florida needs to eat Jon Niese’s face. #frightnight
-Evan Turner looks like my cousin. (and he’s white so don’t give me that racial bulldish.)
-we got MG2 this weekend…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

10. Wheels insisting all the females in the grill line to try his ‘hot salami.’
9. Hood arriving with a sixer and leaving with a 12 pack.
8. Prank calling Netfather Bill from the Holiday Inn payphone.
7. Robin & Kurt’s Facebook posts accompanied by Kornhole & Eugene’s rendition of Dueling
6. Playing Pat Burrell’s homemade ‘ring toss’ game.
5. T*Mac winning the wet tshirt contest.
4. Passing around a copy of Diamond Girl’s HS Yearbook and judging it.
3. Making fun of Is It 7:05 Yet? blogging techniques.
2. A win over the Marlins.
1. Getting put on the DL list!!!! #drunkandloaded


View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: F**k My Life!
Yesterday was my brother's anniversary, I was supposed to wake up in his house and walk out for coffee and tell him and his wife Happy 30th Anniversary... yet I couldn't because I'm still in AZ. I thought about it for a few minutes, along with slamming shots of rum and vodka, and realized what happened to me in the last 36 hours or so is kind of like a parallel universe to the Phillies season... we're both basically fuct.
So we start yesterday, morning was great, son in law picks me up on time, go through TSA in 2 minutes, at my gate 95 minutes before takeoff. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing in my life goes this well, I should have known. I get some pizza and a drink and sit down 30 feet from the counter for Gate C14. While eating I get a call on my cell from Southwest saying something a about a cancellation and the call drops. People are starting to congregate at the counter so I stuff the pizza in my face and run over and get in line. I'm 10th in line mind you. Then come announcements about cancelling flights, and I end up standing in line almost 90 minutes before I get to the counter. When I get there, I'm given 3 options for possible flights, which all suck dead donkeys (they couldn't guarantee I get to Philly before late Thursday night) so I demand a refund and where is my suitcase. My flight was non-refundable normally but for a cancelled flight it was possible. However, since this happens like once every millennium the counter person doesn't know how to. 2 phone calls and 25 minutes later they agree to refund me completely. By this time its 4:30 AZ time and my plane should have been over Kansas somewhere. I'm pissed as hell and take a 29.00 cab home, where I proceed to get shit faced and look for 2 hours for another flight to get home today. Result: cheapest flight is $300 more than I already laid out and was not credited back immediately, so I can't buy it. Round 1 - fuct.
Then I find out that 2 of my oldest good friends (for more than 40 years, one for 50) had planned parties and special dinners, along with my favorite cousin with whom Thursday was set aside for. So I end up screwing up all their plans but thankfully none were really pissed. This is where the parallel shit comes in... it's like losing Howard, Utley, and Doc from your planned vacation (season) and being happy about it. Round 2 - fuct.
Then I call another of my cousins to apologize, but get a ration of shit from (but in jest I found out a little later). Parallel: Cliff Lee and Victorino barking at each other in the dugout in the 5th fucking inning. Families do that, we all know this. Round 3 - fuct.
Done you say? Oh hell no. I talk to my fav cousin's daughter, whom I've known for 12 years or so now but never met. She and her husband were counting on meeting me finally, because 3 years ago something similar happened and I couldn't get up to his house and disappointed a bunch of people. She understood as did her dad (my fav cousin, Vietnam Vet, and ex teamster in NYC), but then started complaining about her kids running loose crazily around the house. Parallel: a week ago Monday, Phillies throw away at least a tie game to SD because of absolute shitty coaching and little league base running in 9th inning and lose 2-1. Round 4 - fuct.
This is depressing me, enough. Biggest parallel: I don't get to go to the Meet 'N' Greet now and meet all the Bunters I've gotten to know in the last year or two, and my time off turns to waste basically, much like this season. Maybe in a way its better I'm not there cusp I wouldn't have been real positive about this season. NAHHHHH, would be good to drink beer and go to The Bank again. Parallel: push.
No more whining, things could have been much worse. I really felt for all the people I was in line with at the airport. Almost all of them were going home, while I was at home already and under no pressure to get there, unlike the fireman in line behind me. But the kicker is my brother told me today that all they has was some wind and a few drops at his house in Stratford, and that planes were coming in all night in Philly. I take it as an omen I wasn't meant to be there for some reason, so I'm buying a bunch of Powerball tickets for tonight in the hopes I'll get repaid. Wriz, sorry if I hung you out and hope someone else can use my ticket. Robin, I really wanted to meet you... you too CJ. Amy, now you have no more reason to be jealous of me, even being in Pittsburgh. I know your pain; my first ex wife is from Pittsburgh LOL.
To all the rest of, have a fucking blast Sunday and a cold beer for me. If anyone actually bought Bud Light Platinum for me, email it to me... it won't go bad. :)
And seriously, LET'S GET BUNTED!
Bill S aka/netfather
P.S. - doesn't this sound like an extension of my first 3 pieces?

****Note from the Wriz**********

Since Bill bailed, the Wriz cancelled the BL PlatinumGirls appearence at the M&G. Blame the old guy.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

On the Bright Side

Honestly, it’s been hard to come up with something to write about. You have been watching the games haven’t you? That’s hard enough but to have to relive it is like some sort of Chinese water torture. I mean you can only say: they need to be more patient, Jimmy needs to stop popping up, and Shane needs to take his head out of his ass so many ways. I knew it would be tough but this is down right brutal. Mama Wriz always said sometimes you have to look on the bright side. So that’s exactly what I’m trying to do.

It could be worse. I hardly think much worse, but it could be worse. Just think:

-With Doc out, the Phillies could decide to go with a 4 man rotation. 25% more Blanton!
-Galvis could get a Gheri Curl and go all Steve Jeltz on us.

-Wheels could follow you around and do the play-by-play of your personal life.
-Lil Roy coulda signed with the Mets, then we’d know we hit rock bottom.
-Amaro could have been foolish and gave Rollins a 4 year deal.
-You could have Charlie’s vocabulary.
-ALL the Bunts writers could quit.
-Pence might have hurt himself in the gym had he used the metal weights.
-You could be stuck in Arizona and miss the Bunts Meet N Greet: the sequel! (Sorry Bill)
-Dom Brown could be batting .600 in AAA. Then, we’d have 3 outfielders who have trouble with routine plays.
-Qualls could have a rubber arm and pitch everyday.

-Greg Dobbs could be our clean up hitter.
-I heard Tmac was going to do a remote from the “Viewing on the Beach” in a banana hammock.
-Jim Thome could be playing.
-Dubee’s kid could be our baby Ace.

Seriously, on the bright side: Diekman, Valdes and Galvis.

The Bunts Meet n Greet is this Sunday in the Linc lot. The first half naked chick that screams, “Let’s get bunted!” gets a free Bunts tee, and fortunately the shirt won’t cover the half naked part.

See ya at the tailgate!

Jay Wrizight

Friday, May 18, 2012

Turner & Chooch

Hoodwink’d by cj hood
Turner & Chooch


-5 in a row! Pop the corks y’all!
-if we can’t have Ibanez & Wilson, I guess Raul Valdes is the next best thing.
-Contreras gotta win…now that’s some Mayans ish!
-Placido Polanco bka 2000 Man. #Ace #Stones
-yo DB29! Where you at?
-even Schneider had a homerun.
-the best part about Chooch’s hot streak is his postgame interviews. #whatdhesay
-how ‘bout a slow clap for Fat Joe.
-Hector Luna bka Spiderman. #nobodyknowswhoyouare
-what up with Worley?
-enough with the Utley updates…just tell me when he’s playing.
-if you want to stop Chooch’s hitting streak give him a 5yr/$125mill deal.
-Qualls should have to hand wash Diekman’s jock.
-T*Mac & Wheels squealed like 10 yr old girls when Sarge sang.
-anybody get last week’s bullpen joke? (read caption)
-nice walk off Pence, but your defense is lacking bro!
-yo Diamond Girl! Where you at?
-if Chooch gets any better we’re going to have to start calling him Arthur Choocharelli.
-Galvis’ recent success could be credited to the pep talk Wriz gave him when he
bumrushed his table at a local eatery.


-the giveaway on the 19th is a 3pack of condoms. #burrell
-haven't heard any news on Thome lately....wonder why?
-Steve Jobs, MCA, Donna Summer #fcancer
-I'd actually feel bad for Cliff Lee if he wasn't a millionaire.
-yo Kornhole! Where you at?
-Chooch is the best thing to happen to Philly since Schoolly D.
-the NL East is tighter than Andy Reid’s belt when he’s tying his shoes.
-FYI: Robin will be live FB’ing from the Meet & Greet for those of you who can’t make it.
-you know Comedy Train Wrek II will not be as good as the first one. #nohood
-Coor’s Field is now serving ‘Jamie Moyers’: half Monster half Metamucil.
-it won’t be hugs & kisses this weekend when Papp faces his old team.
-if you’re on Twitter use the hashtag #keepfightinggary for my 18 yr old cousin who’s fighting cancer for the 2nd time.
-I’m making my season debut at CB Park this wknd…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

It’s Always Shady in Philadelphia

It’s Always Shady in Philadelphia

If you’ve been a longtime reader of the Bunts, there are two things you should already know. This Wriz always thinks the worst and this piece has nothing to do with McCoy because the Wriz doesn’t give two fucks about football.
Qualls? Hold on. I need a drink!

From time to time, various Bunt bloggers have mentioned StubHub in both positive and negative ways. The Wriz feels StubHub does have its place and gives fans an easy way to both buy and sell tickets. Most people complain about the prices, but if you didn’t wait until the last minute or made an effort when tickets went on sale you coulda just bought them from the Phillies yourself.

Let’s face it; most people who post tickets on StubHub are merely lazy scalpers. They get premium prices for premium games and then take what they get for the midweek April games verse lousy teams. Nobody complains when tickets are going for less than $5 like they were for the Astros series earlier in the week. The fact the seller on StubHub are the ones taking all the risk is why I can stomach the over inflated prices. They buy the tickets in advance so when there’s crappy weather, the team stinks or any other reason Joe Schmoe found not to go to CBP, they (the seller) take the loss.

But what if someone was able to list tickets with no risk whatsoever?

Who might that be? How about the Phillies themselves? Think about it. For the past month, tickets for the Red Sox Series have been sold out. No way to buy them. Not as part of a 3 or 6 pack. Not thru group sales. The only way to buy them was thru a third party sale. So in essence, the Phillies could have put their single game tickets on StubHub for 2, 3 or even 4 times face value. Whatever sold, they banked over and above what they could have sold through the box office. Now that the game is getting close they have “newly released tickets.” Or I’m thinking “what didn’t sell on StubHub.” The Phillies Box Office is shady as shit!

I’m guessing the Phillies would say something to the effect they hold tickets for the visiting club and MLB officials. I’m I expected to believe the Phillies are going to hand Bud Selig or Mrs. Pedroia a standing room only ticket? Those tickets would have been sold out in a day had they been available for sale in March.

I’d hate to see the consecutive sellout streak come to an end but I will laugh my balls off if it came to end on a Sunday game verse the Boston Red Sox no less.

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Sox Fans

P.S. if I’m wrong, John Weber, come at me bro!

Sunday, May 13, 2012


View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Drained
This is the 3rd time I've sat down to try to write something, and still my fingers seem paralyzed. I have no mental energy and feel drained of original thought. I have been a Philly sports fan since 1958(except the 6ers, abandoned them *YEARS* ago and now the NBA in total). I have seen highs and lows(mostly lows), from the 1964 record collapse to the Reds to 1972 when the 6ers were 9-73 and Phillies 59-103. I did manage to see 2 of the 9 6er wins and Lefty win the Cy Young at 27-10, but those were small triumphs. These days with coverage of everything all day it's even more depressing to me to see the Flyers shit in their helmets and the Phils under .500. If there is a God, doesn't he/she know I don't have a whole lotta time left to see another World Series win, or another Stanley Cup, or a Superbowl winner? Am I that big of an asshole? Wait, don't answer the last one.

Since it's less than 3 weeks ‘til the Meet 'N' Greet II, let me dwell on the positive. It won't take long. I have no doubt Freddy Galvis will have a long, solid major league career. He will continue to learn to hit better and that's all you can ask of him. Worst case scenario for him is he will be a switch hitting Wilson Valdez, with a higher average and more power, and that won't suck. I wonder if he can pitch?

Chooch... what can you say about him other than wow? I honestly love that man, 110% effort day in and day out. I'll be beside myself if he isn't on the All Star team this year. Prediction: 106 RBI for him this year, lord knows we need it. I swear if he gets any better I am going to force all 4 of my kids, at gunpoint, to change their names to Carlos Ruiz Scardefield. Hint: keep an eye on for the breaking news stories about a crazed ex-mailman going postal on his kids for not changing their names.

Unfortunately now we go to the downside. First, can somebody please bitch-slap Cholly into remembering how to manage? Second, will Chase *EVER* play again? Third, will Ry Ry make it back before the trade deadline? RAJ is already considering selling, which makes my preseason prediction of no acquisitions by the deadline almost a lock. Fourth, and maybe the one that hurts the most, is what happened to HP3? He forgot how to catch? I'm now including him in my offer to teach Howard how to hit again as well. Please Phillies give me 2 weeks with both of these guys, and Ry Ry will hit to left again with power and Pence will lay off eye high fastballs. I shit you not, I could do this. And the farm system is bare... let's save that for another time.

Now comes the enigma that troubles me most. Why is Thome orbiting Neptune? Someone please help me out here, the man looks lost. Let me enlighten you guys on something that could have been. Before the Phils signed Thome they talked to Jason Giambi, someone who *CAN* play the field and still hit. Wanna know why they didn't sign him? He wanted 3 years and would have settled for 2 to move from CO. Digest that for a minute. Here are his stats this year:

Does that not look better than Thome's? I love the man but shit Giambi can still play 1B. I bet RAJ is rethinking this one big time. Yeah Thome agreed to 1 year but... ugh.
Well kiddies now you know why my fingers are numb and it took this long to write something. I can't do BillSwink'd and Wriz already has the piece of the year. So when you see me at the Meet'N'Greet 6/3 don't expect me to be any different unless the Phils win 12 in a row sometime between now and then. I just don't have the energy to see anything else. I'll even leave pitching (who the fuck is in the bullpen anymore?) until the next time.

So with a rum and coke in one hand and Bud Light Platinum in the other, LET'S GET BUNTED.
NetFather aka Bill S

At NetFathers age its probably Carpal Tunnel

Friday, May 11, 2012

In A World Gone Mad

If you read the Wriz’ award winning piece on Wed then you’ll have some idea on what this Hoodwink’d will be about. BTW, big ups to the Wriz for the love in that piece. I weeped like that Indian who cried over pollution…for realz! So anywho, about an hour after I emailed last week’s blog to the Wriz I got a text about the passing of one of my heroes Adam Yauch bka MCA of the Beastie Boys. In 1986, 13 year old boys wanted to be Michael Jordan or maybe even Michael Jack, but I wanted to be a Beastie Boy. I went to my first Phillies game (at the Vet) in ’87. We spent the day in Philly where I bought my first Beastie Boys tshirt. Like Ice Cube said….it was a good day.

I don’t want to spend this whole Hoodwink’d talking about Yauch, but f’ it how many bullpen or Orr jokes can I make? I follow 3 groups of people on Twitter: Comics, old school mc’s & Philly’s sports heads…and all 3 gave Yauch props. Even Big Daddy Shane paid his respects. I met Adam on 2 occasions where he was both gracious & chill. It was almost like talking to an old friend. MCA, along with Adrock & Mike D, changed the way my generation walked, talked, dressed & shaked their rumps! Sure Adam Yauch fought for his right to party, but he also fought for Tibetan’s rights, women’s rights & overall human rights. I will miss his raspy voice, his witty rhymes & his spirit. Rest in peace friend
Now from a hero of hiphop to a field full of (flip) flops:
Hoodwink’d by cj hood
In A World Gone Mad
-BREAKING NEWS: Meet & Greet II has been changed to Lehigh Valley…go Pigs!
-bullpen? More like a pigpen.
-the last time DB29, DiamondGirl & Kornhole wrote a blog the Phils had a winning
-there’s a reason why Orr plays Triple A.
-Net father Bill’s favorite white mc is Snow.
-Gregg isn’t the only thing Gross about this team.
-I think our lineup needs to start doing blow. #hamilton
-you think the aces are pissed or just happy to be paid?
-trade Contreras for a snow cone machine.
-gotta give the Mets props on coming out to Beastie trax last Friday.
-u mad bro? #werth
-Obama backs gay marriage while Romney won’t even let the Franklins in his wallet
touch each other.
-Madson & Lidge (in their current state) > Kendrick & Qualls
-Trading Places 2 starring the Phils & Nats.
-the only thing funnier than Hoodwink’d is the Phillies record
-I respect Cole Hamels now more than ever.
-word is MLB has asked our bullpen to pitch 2012’s Homerun Derby.
-ya think T*Mac LOLz to himself when he announces the Blue Cross ‘Player of the
-the best team in Philly right now is the Local 107.
-Charlie had a meeting….oooooooooooh things are really gonna change now!
-the Phils didn’t lose yesterday….let’s get ‘bunted!!!


Wednesday, May 9, 2012


Wrizwink'd by the Wriz
Awesome!…..I Fuckin Got Lol’d!

Its almost 20 years later but we’re still in da game. And by “we” I mean me and my boy, CJ Hood. We’ve been ball bustin friends that long. On May 4th, he lost one of his idols when the legendary MCA of the Beastie Boys lost a 3 year battle with cancer. I, too, am a huge Beastie fan. I can still listen to their albums and enjoy them as much as I did the day they came out, but there’s only one other person (my college roommate and the dude who into’d us, John Zee) who I could ever say even rivals Hood’s fandom of the B-Boys.

For me, it was a lot like the day Harry Kalas died. I felt lost. Numb. Like I should be doing something but no idea what that something is. I know CJ’s hurting so imma try to do my best to cheer him up with my LOLs

-Hood wishes he could be outside playing basketball in the rain and not get wet.

-He once got thrown out of being backstage of Beasties. Adrock is stingy with the autographs

-My man couldn’t decide on a career until the Beasties greatest hits The Sounds of Science was released. Third grade science has never been the same.

-He once drove 2 ½ straight days because he wasn’t staying anywhere but a Motel 9

-Hoodie got detention in History because every time the teacher mentioned Paul Revere, he broke into verse "Now's heres a little story....."

-Hood owns stock in Bravo #housewivesjokes

-He tried out a bunch of times for Top Chef but he only makes Polly Wog Stew

-Hood forgave John Cusack for Being John Malkovich after rewatching Roadside Prophets

-Hood has a branding of a VW emblem due to a Wildwood tanning mishap.

-His twins middle names are AdRock and Diamond. Impressive but not as impressive as convincing his teenage girl to take MCA as her confirmation name.


-Nathanial Hornblower had a better beard than Jayson Werth.

-Prince is no Cookie Puss #FudgietheWhale

-Andy Cohen has better wrists than Werth

-I got Bravo jokes too. Come at me bro!

-Charlies plan for 2012: I Don’t Know

-Its hard to Make Some Noise when you think know you’re going to lose. #CBPquiet

-Halladay struggling, Lee hurt, Hamels suspended #tripletrouble

-Is Qualls is still working for the Padres? #sabotage

-Orr and a run down? Now that’s Crazy Ass Shit

-I wish we still had Valdez and his Funky Donkey.

-Lee (Majorly) better come (back) again for any hope at postseason

-Hamels has proven over and over he’s got the Skills to Pay the Bills

The Bunts Meet N Greet is June 3rd. Its not that kinda party so keep your d!ck out the mashed potatoes…..let’s get bunted!

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Friday, May 4, 2012

Journey > Destination

Hoodwink’d by cj hood
Journey > Destination
I’m starting to write this week’s ep early (it’s Wed morn) cuz last week I procrastinated, plus I had a field trip to go to with my sons and Hoodwink’d didn’t get done til Friday about 9pm (3 hrs past Wriz’ bedtime). Then I copy & pasted wrong and had to have the Wriz fix some stuff which is like asking my 7 yr olds to clean their room à half assed production. So this week I wanted to come correct for the 328 Buntamaniacs out there!!!
This season I find it challenging to deliver the LOLz cuz of the current state of our team. Saturday, the Wriz texted me (cuz he’s uncomfortable talking on the phone) to ask if my cable was carrying the game (see It’s Sh*tty) and then ‘I cried in my beer’ at his expense on how bummed I was over the current situation. Then he told me Thome was hurt and Howard soon would be in Clearwater (maybe w/Utley) and I felt a little better.
Then the Phils split with the Cubs & won the first game with the Braves and I was excited. I know I need to stop being negative and Start Believing again…
Just a small town fan, living in a 500 world
She took the Broad Street line going to CB Park
Just a city boy, born & raised in South Philly
He took the Orange line to CB Park
forget it….you get the idea. If I write anymore We Might Be GMs will steal it.

But Don’t Stop Believin kids. We have 12 wins (13 now) and the best team in baseball has 17…so it’s not that bad. But then again it’s only Wednesday. If we roll into DC after losing the Braves series then all this happy horsesh*t is all for not. (5/4/12 @ 8:42am: we won that series yo!) But let’s not think that way kids. Don’t Stop Believin….hold on to that feeeeeeeeeeeeeeliiiiiiiiiin’.
Anywho, this week instead of the regular LOLz, I’m decided to go with a Top 10 list ala David Letterman. So, lets run it up the flagpole and see who salutes….

Top 10 Reasons We Should Be happy With Our 2012 Phightans thus far:
10. We have Papelbon and not Madson, Lidge or Rivera.
9. Fat Joe’s strict diet of Captain Crunch & Ring Dings is finally paying off.
8. The bench is finally coming thru. #Nix #Wigginton
7. Pierre’s speed.
6. Pence got his bench press up to 5 baguettes.
5. T*Mac’s man t*ts and Wheels’ sh*tty wig could put a smile on anyone’s face.
4. Bunts’ Meet & Greet II is weeks away.
3. Howard’s headed to Clearwater.
2. One word: CHOOCH!!!
1. Vanilla Bryce is going to get ice’d, ice’d baby this wknd….let’s get ‘bunted!!!