Sunday, March 30, 2014

'Twas the Night Before Opening Day '14

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A huge jumbotron, a Chooch and three aces,
With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,
I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Hamels! Now, AJ! Now, Kendrick and Lee!
On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.
Moyer and Stairs were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Lee with his game scruff took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
McCann’s now in New YorkUggla’s straight up dirt
The tomahawk is played out; all your pitchers are hurt
Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
Around the league all the teams were conspiring
Braun is still juicing and Jeter’s retiring
Gnats fans went to games did not even care,
What about Miami? They still play baseball there?
Don’t sweat the Rangers, their pitching staff’s poo
Fielder is fat; F’ Beltre and Choo 
Brown hit homeruns, Revere did his thing,
Howard is back...the RBI king!!!
Chooch is back on the pills; this should be fun.
And Cole Hamels received his first ever Cy Young.
Spring Training was rough; could not get much worser
Ruff hurt his ribs and Galvis got MRSA.
Still the Phightans fried teams just like pancake batter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Amaro, Amaro, I hate you Amaro!

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
Amaro, Amaro, I hate you Amaro!

Yo yo yo Buntamaniacs! I wanted to give you a sneak peak of my brand new hit off of Phillies Bunts Records before it blows up on iTunes. ‘Amaro Needs to be Fired’ is sure to go triple platinum before Ryan Howard is out for the season. So click the Piano’s Man original version below and sing along with my lyrics. My version fits perfectly…believe me…I slaved over it all weekend. So, f’ Amaro and let’s get bunted!!!

"Amaro Needs to be Fired”

Delmon Young, Mini Mart, Laynce Nix, just to start
Lou Castillo, Danys Baez, guys that were question marks
Dontrell Willis, Chad Qualls, John McDonald, Michael Young
Thome again, Abreu again, Senior Citizens Bank Park

JC Romero, Polanco, Roy Oswalt
we lost, Brandon Moss, Quintin Berry, Vogelsong how absurd
Got Pence, lost Pence, Howard’s got a new deal
lost Werth, lost Shane, in exchange for Marlon Byrd

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

Pitching wins, no it doesn’t, remember the season that really wasn’t
2 more years of Ryan Howard, what a f’in crock
JA Happ, Dave Herndon, Worley, Mathieson
RAJ not qualified to wash the team’s jocks
now it’s twenty fourteen and still don’t have a winning team
Wilson Valdez, Ross Gload, Brian Schneider, all comode
Perez, Sardinha, Bowker, De Fratus
Bastardo’s hooked, Oswalt’s shook, Trouble in Clearwater
Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

CJ Hood, Jay Wriz, Netfather, Bunt’s biz
Twitter, Facebook page, even gotta an Instragram
Twitter, Meet & Greet, all for Phillies baseball
a GM homicide is causing a fan suicide

Chad Durbin, Lannan, John McDonald, Pete Orr
Francisco, Castro, we all really hate you Rubes
Ezequiel Carrera, mucho dinero
Sarge out, Wheels to, T*Mac’s back with bigger boobs

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

J Horst, Joseph, minors in a major land
Get Lee, trade Lee, Nationals invasion
Heyward’s in Atlanta, Staton Marlinmania
Freeman, Uggla, are NL East beasts again

No blogs from 29, Kornhole and Diamond Girl
Cholly fired, in that way, what else do I have to say

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

Doc’s gone, AJ’s in, Chooch is on the pills again
Henderson, Ryno, Papp is a whine-o
Galvis out, Blanton souse, upheaval in the clubhouse
5K Wriz ran, theres no fans in the stands
Hamel’s hurt, Utley’s knees, on DL just cuz you sneezed
Howard’s wealthy, not healthy, ACL, not stealthy
J*Roll’s not in it anymore, lost the heart to lead and score
Ruff’s ribs, MRSA, I can't take it anymore

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
Even when he’s gone
His moves will suck on and on and on and on
And on and on and on and on...

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

Amaro needs to be fired
Sucks like a deer tick
Ride the tails of Gillick
Amaro needs to be fired
The fans don’t like it
So we try to fight it

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Spring (t)Raining

I went into business for myself 4 and a half years ago. In fact it was the first time I even had 2 planned days off in a row. It was super stressful preparing to make sure my business was prepared for my absence but fuck it I was going to Spring Training for St Patrick’s Day no less!

 My big concern was that the trip was too short. Leave Sat & return on Tuesday. I worked on Saturday which meant a 2:30 am alarm. Luckily my man Dale, who would be filling in for me, worked with me. We zipped through the day and were done by 10. Two hours quicker than expected. Unfortunately, I needed the time to walk my boys and finish packing instead of taking a nap. Packing done, I dropped off my boys at Momma Wriz’s house and off to the airport. Finally, a vacation!

Now vacation hadn’t really started because I was beerless but we hit up the Chickie’s in the terminal to change all that. I know what your thinking but I would have loved to go elsewhere but the other “bar” had Coors Light, Miller Lite and Bud. Blah! So the thief got a bit of my money as I got the Victory Crabby Ale. After a few, we headed to the gate. The guy in front of us in line handed me 2 drink vouchers for the ride. Nice! He did the same for the guy in front of him but then the kid came clean and said he was underage. So rather than put them back in his wallet he said “Here’s 2 for the ride home.”  They came in handy as Southwest had Fat Tire cans as an in-flight option. Other than the old had who was asking the dumbest questions at the car rental counter and holding us up, our travel went on without a hitch.

We stayed at the Safety Harbor Resort & Spa. The rooms were really nice but finding your way around was like fumbling thru a corn maze. By the time we found our room, I was good for nothing. And I’d rather have gotten a good nights rest as our trip package included “Brunch with the Broadcasters” the next morning. I heard grumblings that the weather was going to rain on March 17. The news said 80% chance. No big deal, it rains all the time in Florida.

I woke up with plenty of time to get the brunch over at Bright House Field in our rent-a-car, just not in our rent-a-car that was dead. WTF?!?!?!!  The problem with having a dead battery at a hotel is that everyone that walks by has a rental and no cables, so I ran down to the lobby and BINGO! They have cables, but have no idea where they are. Fortunately, the hotel grounds crew had cables and helped us out. On our way, we got there a half hour late. They were going through the stadium giveaways, so we grabbed a mimosa and a plate and ate in the other room. Paul Hagen from the Daily News passed thru and said hello so that was cooler than seeing the Phanatic sunglasses anyway. A lady handed me my raffle ticket which I thought they’d give some of the freebees away.  Matt Stairs, Murph and TMac talked for a bit and then answered a few questions from the fans. All pretty generic except when Stairs said he “didn’t make enough to play everyday” He tried to save himself but the laughter just helped him drown. Then the raffle. Scott Palmer encouraged everyone to get out their tickets as the first prize was an autographed Chase Utley ball. “8-8-3-9-ohhhh-“  For fucks sakes just let it be 3 already! “Three!” BOOM! I won. Made being late worth it. The broadcaster stuck around a bit to talk, take pictures, and sign autographs.

We were able to go into the stadium and walk around and take pictures which was nice especially since we hit up the store before the crowds came in. It got mobbed once the gates opened. The day was nice bright and sunny. A tad windy but a welcome exchange for the freezing cold and snow of Philadelphia.  We stopped by the Tiki Bar before the game for some beers before heading to our seats for the game. We had great seats 12 rows behind the plate. I’ve never really considered Spring Training baseball the same as MLB but its great to hear the crack of the bat, pop of the mitt and the crowd roar again especially in the midst of this dreadful winter.

After the game, we hit up the Brown Boxer for dinner. It was a good place with a nice craft beer selection and pretty good food. Later, we hit up a couple of local bars in Safety Harbor BarFly and Nolan’s Pub. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Jon Taffer walked in either one. Both had good beer selections tho. At least Barfly had glassware. By the time we got back to the hotel the chance of rain for Monday had gotten to 90% and pretty much said it was going to be a washout.

Monday! St. Patrick’s Day. It wasn’t raining but the news was now calling for 100% chance of rain and a tornado watch. We took our time in getting ready hoping they’d just cancel the game, but about 11 we bit the bullet and headed over. By this time the heavy downpours had started. I suspected that they wouldn’t call the game about 2 so they could salvage whatever concession money they could. We went out to the Tiki Bar and between the wind and lack of cover getting soaked was inevitable. Worse yet, they didn’t have Guinness.  We braved it for a while but headed for shelter in the concourse. Of course we stopped at the Beers of the World stand for a Harp and a Guinness. I was able to catch up with an old friend and the nearby Victory Beer stand had Summer Love on tap. I saw one of the beer vendors from Citizens Bank Park doing his thing with a bucket of Lites. He said normally he could pay his rent for his 6 week stay with what he makes on March 17th but not this time. It wasn’t long before the “boos” rang out as they announced the game was cancelled.

Now what to do? We went back to the hotel but the indoor pools and Jacuzzi were off limits because of the lightning. We headed down to Nolan’s but they were closed. What kind of Irish bar doesn’t open until 5 on St Patrick’s Day?  Oh well, we grabbed a bite to eat and went there later. It wasn’t much better. Their entertainment was a guy with a guitar playing cover songs. He barely managed to squeeze in a U2 song. Meh. The fact they had a scantily dressed female leprechaun kinda made it worth it.

Tuesday morning, we went to Lenny’s. I’ve always heard it’s the place to go for breakfast in Clearwater. It was packed, but not much of a wait to get seated. There was a plethora of Phillies hats, shirts and jerseys amongst the patrons. You’d think you were in Philly. The food was great and the service was even better. It’s definitely a “must” if you go down.

One last stop before we hit the airport, Cigar City is a microbrew in Tampa. I’ve had a few of their beers before so I was glad to be able to make it there. No tours on Tuesdays but their tasting room was open so that was fine by me. They had 20 or so of their beers on tap and a few from other breweries. It was a good stop so good I was worried about them letting me on the plane. LOL

A quick stop at another airport bar and we headed back to Philly. Overall, it was a good trip. Expectations may have been unrealistic but it was totally worthwhile. I can’t wait for next year. Hit me up if you have any questions.

See ya at the ballpark (in Philly)!

Jay Wrizight