by cj hood
‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘15
CITIZENS BOOZE PARK
‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were all hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Schlitz; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases
An all new offense, don’t know their names nor their faces,
With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,
I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.
More rapid than the Eagles his courses they came,
And he whistled, and shouted and, called them by name;
“Now, Hamels! Now, Harang! And those other 3!
On, Howard! On Asche! And ‘the man’ Chase Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes on,
Who’s that grabbing his nuts? That’s Jon Papelbon!
Ben Davis and Stairs were calling the game
‘Boy we miss Harry’; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Hamel’s with his ‘game scruff’ took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
The Marlins rebuilt and the ‘Gnats will not lose;
The Phil’s best acquisition? Our park now serves booze!
Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
Las Vegas is saying we’re gonna get killed
If their play doesn’t kill us, a 9 patty burger certainly will
We traded J*Roll for some no-name go-getters,
The movie Philadelphia seemed to end better
We are the L-O-L of the M-L-B
Cuz half of our team is A-A-R-P
Amaro manages us like he don’t even care
And here come the Red Sox, loaded for bear
We’re the Walking Dead, this team will just scare ya,
Yet I’m really excited about Odubel Herrera
Last few years we’ve just stunk, just like a wet fart
I bet the 76’ers can’t wait til we start
If we played in October it would be such a shocker,
Maybe if Howard cleaned out his locker
But tonight we’re in first, like the rest of the teams
And all we can do is have positive dreams
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season,”