Sunday, March 31, 2013

The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
The Night Before Opening Day ‘13


‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
And Mom in her Young jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
The ‘Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and three aces,
With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,
I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Doc! Now, Lannan! Now, Kendrick and Lee!
On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.
McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Cole and his porn stache took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
Chipper is gone; Uggla doesn’t have pop
The tomahawk is played out; all Hudson’s throwing is slop
Three up and three down as Kratz made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting
Hamilton was drinking while A-Roid was strutting
Gnats fans went to games did not even care,
Tony LaRussa’s retired to spend time on his hair;
Ozzie’s out in Miami, Jose Reyes is too,
Polanco bats clean-up, that place is a zoo
Brown hit homeruns, Revere set it to stun,
Howard is back...hitting homeruns!!!
Chooch was drug free before it was done.
And Cole Hamels received his very first Cy Young.
Yo! We got Adams our bullpen is fixed
Bench is solid with Frandsen, Galvis and Nix.
The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”

Do We have a Chance?

I’ve been asked a few times why I haven’t written anything for the blog (at least twice I swear.) The answer is quite simple. I got burned out. I won’t put out garbage work. And I’m not getting paid or trying to impress a teacher so if it’s not fun it’s not worth it. But not only on the blog but also on the Phillies. They had gotten close last year. Close enough to send out playoff invoices and then they got manhandled by the Astros…who has a triple A line-up. Swept! And poof went their chances.

Even pitchers and catchers and Grapefruit action didn’t get me feeling up to writing. People dissecting every pitch of Spring Training like it was game 7, really who cares? You know who had the best record this spring? Kansas City followed by Seattle. Anyone wanna bet neither one makes the playoffs? It’s just one year? Well, last year Toronto went 24-7 and promptly went on to miss the playoffs and completely overhauled their team.

But alas, The next pitch is for reals and the Wriz has the old familiar feeling so lets hop to it. I’m not sold on the Phillies are a playoff team but they are in the mix but to return to the dominate team they once were seems unlikely as too much would need to go right.  The most important things for the Phillies are health, Dom Brown, Kyle Kendrick and Ben Revere in that order.

If one less guy got hurt last year they would have made the playoffs. Or if one more did and that guy was Chad Qualls they would have been there too. But basically every starting IF must play at least 130 games. And the rotation must basically remain intact which is a longshot given Doc’s predicament. It would have been nice to have Aaron Cook as insurance but the $100,000 bonus he would have made if he was assigned to the minors nixed that idea. Fucking cheapskates.

Dom Brown had a phenomenal spring, but if you have to take Spring pitching stats with a grain of salt then so too with hitting stats. Maybe the best thing that happened to Dom was Delmon Young not being ready for the start of the season. That ensured Brown, at the very least, a platoon job. But the Darrin Ruf had more boots in the outfield than an Uggs factory and Brown moved up to full fledged starter. I’ve been drooling over the guy since he first came to town, but the Phillies handled him so so badly. What I liked the most from him this spring wasn’t his production but his confidence and his acceptance that’s he’s a big leaguer. Is it too much to ask that he goes .290 25HR 85 RBI?  I don’t. In fact, the RBI total could be higher depending on when he settles into the line-up.

KK. Kendrick was 9-4 with a 2.87 ERA in the second half. Numbers like that over a full season will get you CY Young votes. Do I expect that from KK? No, but 15-16 wins and a low 3 ERA would be nice. Last season, KK was either really good or god awful. Lets hope the god awful KK pitched his last game yesterday.

Ben Revere. He’s got a youthful exuberance and seems a tad immature, but fuck it I like what hes all about and that’s getting on base and causing havoc. Let him take all the selfies he wants if he can up his on base percentage.

I’m looking forward to see that the boys can do now that their not the top dogs anymore. I’m pegging them for 84 wins and just missing the playoffs, but if Halladay can find a way to compete its on!

Other things I’m looking forward to:

-CJ Hood’s song parody of the Beasties Paul Revere called Ben Revere
-Cole Hamels making fools look stupid on his way to a monster season
-Darrin Ruf’s first cleanly fielded ball in the OF
-Bunts Meet & Greet 3—June 2nd in the Linc Lot—Don’t say you didn’t know
-Netfather making his flight this time
-The Big Piece’s return to form
-Delmon Young’s blow up

Things I’m not looking forward to:
-3rd place
-Being playoff-less again
-DB29’s suspension appeal hearing AKA Hamilton gate
-See Doc look like the Walking Dead when its hot
-finding out the dirty secrets Amaro has hid all offseason

I’ll post my awards predictions early next week. Once I figure out who’s on what team. I kid. Does Hubie Brooks still play?

See ya at the Ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Saturday, March 30, 2013

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Game on

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Game on

For the first time in a lot of years, Opening Day is not grabbing me by the throat and demanding my absolute attention. I mean really, who the fuck wants to watch the Rangers and Astros? The Astros, whose combined salary is $4MIL less than what Aroid makes. That certainly denotes a wealth of talent right? MLB must be smokin crack to start a season like that. Instills the faith of baseball fans worldwide... NOT. But you're interested in other things like moi, so here we go.
You excited now NetFather?
First, one word describes the entire Phils' season... HEALTH. It appears they have it (knock on my head). I'll take my chances with Howard, Utley, Rollins, and Young just the way they are. Frandsen and Galvis can help cover any spot in the infield without losing much in short stints. Howard and Utley appear to be themselves again, but for how long is anyone's guess.
So we got Brown, Revere, and who in LF? Mayberry? Nix? Who the hell is Inciarte? Rube you failed us there, it's on you. 40 years ago it could have been me out there. Don't laugh it's not polite. I had a cannon and hit around .400. I was a legend in my own mind, until my arm went. Thank you selective Alzheimer's for giving me bits and pieces of the late 60's and early 70's.
I can live with Kratz for 25 games, just hope the starters can and don't miss Chooch too much. Once again who the hell is Quintero? I really wanted to see what Tommy Joseph could do but I can't fly to Reading or Allentown to watch many games. So shit.
Starting pitching looks ok, just worried about Doc. I wonder if he may have pneumonia or some shit for losing weight and being tired? Hope not, that takes a long time to shake. Cole is poised for a breakout year if he can keep his balance on the mound carrying around that butt ugly caterpillar everywhere. He looks like Dirk Diggler's gay brother, but that could work to his advantage if there are enough homophobes in the NL. Cliff Lee is poised for his 3 year cycle 3rd year to kick in and be ace like. I freakin hope so we need every inning a starter can give. Doc... there's that health word again. Wish I lived closer to really know WTF is going on with him. I hope we can depend on Kendrick and Lannan, both have been up and down this spring.
The bullpen only gets one sentence, with one adjective... OMGWTFLOL. Seriously.
So now it comes down to one last thing. Unca Chollie and Dube have to have the best years of their careers this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. No guessing and letting the talent take over like in ‘08 that just won't cut it. That said, I wish I was more religious than I am. We'll see.
Last thing, I'm thankful for the best preseason pickup they've made in 5 years... Wally Joyner. At last, a real hitting coach who actually hit for average and power in the bigs. Too bad he's not 10 years younger. And thankfully Samuel isn't coaching 3rd base.
So there you have it. After all that I think we can win 87-89 games and possibly slide into a wild card. Right now we can't ask for more than that, at least I can't. So let's get Bunted and hope the last Elite 8 game runs concurrently with the Rangers/Astros game so I'll have something to watch.
Bill S /aka netfather

Thursday, March 28, 2013


Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood


It seems that Phillies Bunts Inc has become a 2 man operation. While Netfather Bill and myself are holding things down at the office, the rest of Wu Bunts Clan is choreographing a Harlem Shake routine for M&G III. Blog production is decreasing slower than a Halladay fast ball. But, no worries, H-Double is back at that azz like Preparation-H for another ep of Hoodwink’d! Word life.



A few things have changed with our Phightans since we last spoke: D*Brown’s bat arrived, Ruff got Ruffed up & the aforementioned Halladay has entered the Witness Protection Program and now goes by ‘JC Romero.’ What the deuce? But personally, I’m kind of pleased with this team because the bats are hot. Brown, Howard, Utley & Young are producing hits likeMoTown while the rest of the gang is getting things done as well. However, the team that once had no worries on defense now seem to have more questions than answers. Since the media is riding the Gnat’s jock harder than the Broad Street Line, our D better find some answers ASAP! While Vanimal is now the new Twins #1 we’re left with doubts about our #3 and a question mark at #5. But if you remember the recent past, when we didn’t have worries on the hill, we’d still end up losing by 1 or 2 runs. Hence, with the way we’ve been hitting I’m not really worried about pitching as much as I should. I’m worried more about the outfield than anything. RAJ is rumored to be shopping for some outfield help, but I’m not sure what kind of talent is available. Other than this, there’s very little to report or comment on since Spring Training is just that…training.

Anywho, my prediction for the NL East for 2013 are as follows: Braves will win the division while our Phillies cop the Wild Card! I think the Gnats will fall off in the 2nd half like limbs on a leper. I’m more excited about this upcoming season than I have been the past 2 years. Not excited, excited like DB29 at Golden Corral on company dime…but amped none the less. I’ll be back this weekend with my annual Night Before Opening Day opus…let’s get ‘Bunted!!!

How about a few LOLZ to hold you over til Monday:

-I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning. I’m a bigger loser than the Miami Heat.

-There was so much smoke coming out of the Vatican chimney, I thought our new pope was Cheech or Chong.

-Speaking of the pope, now the Cardinals could focus on getting a quarterback.

-The problem with robbing a Chinese restaurant is a half hour later you want to rob someplace


-My dog ate my kids Legos. The next day he pooped out an airplane.

-Tiger Woods is back at being #1. At whoring.

-Last week’s snow storm was so bad even the kids who are homeschooled got out early.

-Jewish girls used to Passover me in high school, so did the Catholic girls.

-My college bball bracket has more losers than a high school chess club.

-Only in America are pizza joints run by Mexicans and themanager of the Taco Bell is named


-Let gay people get married, instead we should ban gay divorce…that’ll teach ‘em.

*Catch me doing stand-up at Rockledge Fire Hall on April 13th. Ticket comes with free beer & wine. Contact infrequent blogger Jim Korhan via Facebook for ticket