Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Semi-Phantastic Auction

If you’re reading this blog, you must have heard about the Phantasic Auction the Phillies are running. Basically, they put together a whole mess of items to bid on to support Phillies Charities Inc. Some of the great packages include a golf foursome with Phillies legend Mike Schmidt, lunch with Charlie Manuel, and trips to Wrigley, Detroit and Clearwater.

But you’re not reading this blog to find out about something you can just look up on You’re here for hard hitting journalism and shit like that. So the Wriz went deep undercover to find out the things that didn’t make the cut.

Drinks with LA: Unless Warren Buffet loves the Phillies Radio broadcast, no one has enough to cover that tab.

Lunch with T-Mac: There were obvious concerns about the tab, but the reason it was scratched was the last time T-Mac went to lunch with a fan; the fan came out of it looking like Jim Abbot over the last pork chop.

Bird Watching with Mick Billmeyer: He doesn’t know a clay colored robin from Batman’s sidekick.  Apparently, he was just checking about broads with those binoculars.

A Fantasy baseball league with Ruben Amaro Jr.:  RAJ was so gung-ho on this idea. 11 spots at $500 plus a pop. That’s serious coin for charity. Then he heard it was a keeper league and bagged the idea because he doesn’t know shit about planning for next year.

Hitting Clinic with Ben Revere: The Phillies became worried the fan that won would be too busy getting autographs and checking out the Phillies locker room and  they’d forget to teach Ben how to hit.

A night in the Bullpen: No fan could stomach the stench. It stinks there.

Trip to the Barber with Wheels: This guy I was sitting near last night already won.

A private tour of the Majestic Store: Just show up. That place, once a zoo, has more employees than shoppers on a weekday game.

A night on the Town with Jonathan Papelbon: The Wriz was so gonna bid on this, but asked when he was going to do with the winner Paps said “Now I got backup, we’re gonna get our guns back from Obama.”

Golf foursome with Lenny Dykstra: He’s not a legend and he’s not due for a parole hearing.

A spot on the 40 man roster: When word got to RAJ that Jesse Biddle planned on using his signing bonus to win it. Raj pulled the plug and said he needed another 4 years in the minors.

Vocabulary lesson with Charlie Manuel: It ad been good and stuff like that.

Chess & Checkers Strategy lesson with Charlie Manuel: It fell through when everyone realized he could only make one move at a time and hope for the best.

Invites to Phillies Bunts Meet & Greet 3: The Wriz invites everybody. Show up June 2nd. K-lot.

Throw batting practice: Chad Durbin already has that job.

Learn a change-up from Rich Dubee: No clue why this got cancelled. He can teach anyone a sick change. Of course that’s all he’s good for.

I also heard those Mexican dudes with the huge batting helmets tried to put them in the auction but Polanco confiscated his game used merchandise.

Theres still a few hours left on some of the auctions. The private hitting clinic with Chase is up over five grand. No idea how DiamondGirl is going to afford that.

See ya at the Ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Shoulda had a "Make a video with the Twins" auction.


  1. A ride-a-long with the Ragu as he makes his collections, no charge.

    - Raguski

  2. Yo Rags, some if our student readers want to know if the ride along is eligible for internship credits.