The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

NOT BAD MEANING BAD, BUT BAD MEANING GOOD!

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
And Mom in her Young jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
The ‘Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and three aces,
With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,
I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Doc! Now, Lannan! Now, Kendrick and Lee!
On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.
McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Cole and his porn stache took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
Chipper is gone; Uggla doesn’t have pop
The tomahawk is played out; all Hudson’s throwing is slop
Three up and three down as Kratz made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting
Hamilton was drinking while A-Roid was strutting
Gnats fans went to games did not even care,
Tony LaRussa’s retired to spend time on his hair;
Ozzie’s out in Miami, Jose Reyes is too,
Polanco bats clean-up, that place is a zoo
Brown hit homeruns, Revere set it to stun,
Howard is back...hitting homeruns!!!
Chooch was drug free before it was done.
And Cole Hamels received his very first Cy Young.
Yo! We got Adams our bullpen is fixed
Bench is solid with Frandsen, Galvis and Nix.
The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”

Do We have a Chance?

I’ve been asked a few times why I haven’t written anything for the blog (at least twice I swear.) The answer is quite simple. I got burned out. I won’t put out garbage work. And I’m not getting paid or trying to impress a teacher so if it’s not fun it’s not worth it. But not only on the blog but also on the Phillies. They had gotten close last year. Close enough to send out playoff invoices and then they got manhandled by the Astros…who has a triple A line-up. Swept! And poof went their chances.

Even pitchers and catchers and Grapefruit action didn’t get me feeling up to writing. People dissecting every pitch of Spring Training like it was game 7, really who cares? You know who had the best record this spring? Kansas City followed by Seattle. Anyone wanna bet neither one makes the playoffs? It’s just one year? Well, last year Toronto went 24-7 and promptly went on to miss the playoffs and completely overhauled their team.

But alas, The next pitch is for reals and the Wriz has the old familiar feeling so lets hop to it. I’m not sold on the Phillies are a playoff team but they are in the mix but to return to the dominate team they once were seems unlikely as too much would need to go right.  The most important things for the Phillies are health, Dom Brown, Kyle Kendrick and Ben Revere in that order.

If one less guy got hurt last year they would have made the playoffs. Or if one more did and that guy was Chad Qualls they would have been there too. But basically every starting IF must play at least 130 games. And the rotation must basically remain intact which is a longshot given Doc’s predicament. It would have been nice to have Aaron Cook as insurance but the $100,000 bonus he would have made if he was assigned to the minors nixed that idea. Fucking cheapskates.

Dom Brown had a phenomenal spring, but if you have to take Spring pitching stats with a grain of salt then so too with hitting stats. Maybe the best thing that happened to Dom was Delmon Young not being ready for the start of the season. That ensured Brown, at the very least, a platoon job. But the Darrin Ruf had more boots in the outfield than an Uggs factory and Brown moved up to full fledged starter. I’ve been drooling over the guy since he first came to town, but the Phillies handled him so so badly. What I liked the most from him this spring wasn’t his production but his confidence and his acceptance that’s he’s a big leaguer. Is it too much to ask that he goes .290 25HR 85 RBI?  I don’t. In fact, the RBI total could be higher depending on when he settles into the line-up.

KK. Kendrick was 9-4 with a 2.87 ERA in the second half. Numbers like that over a full season will get you CY Young votes. Do I expect that from KK? No, but 15-16 wins and a low 3 ERA would be nice. Last season, KK was either really good or god awful. Lets hope the god awful KK pitched his last game yesterday.

Ben Revere. He’s got a youthful exuberance and seems a tad immature, but fuck it I like what hes all about and that’s getting on base and causing havoc. Let him take all the selfies he wants if he can up his on base percentage.

I’m looking forward to see that the boys can do now that their not the top dogs anymore. I’m pegging them for 84 wins and just missing the playoffs, but if Halladay can find a way to compete its on!

Other things I’m looking forward to:

-CJ Hood’s song parody of the Beasties Paul Revere called Ben Revere

-Cole Hamels making fools look stupid on his way to a monster season
-Darrin Ruf’s first cleanly fielded ball in the OF
-Bunts Meet & Greet 3—June 2^nd in the Linc Lot—Don’t say you didn’t know
-Netfather making his flight this time
-The Big Piece’s return to form
-Delmon Young’s blow up

Things I’m not looking forward to:

 

-3^rd place

-Being playoff-less again
-DB29’s suspension appeal hearing AKA Hamilton gate
-See Doc look like the Walking Dead when its hot
-finding out the dirty secrets Amaro has hid all offseason

I’ll post my awards predictions early next week. Once I figure out who’s on what team. I kid. Does Hubie Brooks still play?

See ya at the Ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Game on

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Game on

For the first time in a lot of years, Opening Day is not grabbing me by the throat and demanding my absolute attention. I mean really, who the fuck wants to watch the Rangers and Astros? The Astros, whose combined salary is $4MIL less than what Aroid makes. That certainly denotes a wealth of talent right? MLB must be smokin crack to start a season like that. Instills the faith of baseball fans worldwide... NOT. But you're interested in other things like moi, so here we go.

You excited now NetFather?

First, one word describes the entire Phils' season... HEALTH. It appears they have it (knock on my head). I'll take my chances with Howard, Utley, Rollins, and Young just the way they are. Frandsen and Galvis can help cover any spot in the infield without losing much in short stints. Howard and Utley appear to be themselves again, but for how long is anyone's guess.

So we got Brown, Revere, and who in LF? Mayberry? Nix? Who the hell is Inciarte? Rube you failed us there, it's on you. 40 years ago it could have been me out there. Don't laugh it's not polite. I had a cannon and hit around .400. I was a legend in my own mind, until my arm went. Thank you selective Alzheimer's for giving me bits and pieces of the late 60's and early 70's.

I can live with Kratz for 25 games, just hope the starters can and don't miss Chooch too much. Once again who the hell is Quintero? I really wanted to see what Tommy Joseph could do but I can't fly to Reading or Allentown to watch many games. So shit.

Starting pitching looks ok, just worried about Doc. I wonder if he may have pneumonia or some shit for losing weight and being tired? Hope not, that takes a long time to shake. Cole is poised for a breakout year if he can keep his balance on the mound carrying around that butt ugly caterpillar everywhere. He looks like Dirk Diggler's gay brother, but that could work to his advantage if there are enough homophobes in the NL. Cliff Lee is poised for his 3 year cycle 3rd year to kick in and be ace like. I freakin hope so we need every inning a starter can give. Doc... there's that health word again. Wish I lived closer to really know WTF is going on with him. I hope we can depend on Kendrick and Lannan, both have been up and down this spring.

The bullpen only gets one sentence, with one adjective... OMGWTFLOL. Seriously.

So now it comes down to one last thing. Unca Chollie and Dube have to have the best years of their careers this year. No ifs, ands, or buts. No guessing and letting the talent take over like in ‘08 that just won't cut it. That said, I wish I was more religious than I am. We'll see.

Last thing, I'm thankful for the best preseason pickup they've made in 5 years... Wally Joyner. At last, a real hitting coach who actually hit for average and power in the bigs. Too bad he's not 10 years younger. And thankfully Samuel isn't coaching 3rd base.

So there you have it. After all that I think we can win 87-89 games and possibly slide into a wild card. Right now we can't ask for more than that, at least I can't. So let's get Bunted and hope the last Elite 8 game runs concurrently with the Rangers/Astros game so I'll have something to watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08LcttvfFxU

Bill S /aka netfather

SPRUNG!

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood

SPRUNG!

It seems that Phillies Bunts Inc has become a 2 man operation. While Netfather Bill and myself are holding things down at the office, the rest of Wu Bunts Clan is choreographing a Harlem Shake routine for M&G III. Blog production is decreasing slower than a Halladay fast ball. But, no worries, H-Double is back at that azz like Preparation-H for another ep of Hoodwink’d! Word life.

 

D*BOOGIE GETTIN IT DONE!

A few things have changed with our Phightans since we last spoke: D*Brown’s bat arrived, Ruff got Ruffed up & the aforementioned Halladay has entered the Witness Protection Program and now goes by ‘JC Romero.’ What the deuce? But personally, I’m kind of pleased with this team because the bats are hot. Brown, Howard, Utley & Young are producing hits likeMoTown while the rest of the gang is getting things done as well. However, the team that once had no worries on defense now seem to have more questions than answers. Since the media is riding the Gnat’s jock harder than the Broad Street Line, our D better find some answers ASAP! While Vanimal is now the new Twins #1 we’re left with doubts about our #3 and a question mark at #5. But if you remember the recent past, when we didn’t have worries on the hill, we’d still end up losing by 1 or 2 runs. Hence, with the way we’ve been hitting I’m not really worried about pitching as much as I should. I’m worried more about the outfield than anything. RAJ is rumored to be shopping for some outfield help, but I’m not sure what kind of talent is available. Other than this, there’s very little to report or comment on since Spring Training is just that…training.

Anywho, my prediction for the NL East for 2013 are as follows: Braves will win the division while our Phillies cop the Wild Card! I think the Gnats will fall off in the 2^nd half like limbs on a leper. I’m more excited about this upcoming season than I have been the past 2 years. Not excited, excited like DB29 at Golden Corral on company dime…but amped none the less. I’ll be back this weekend with my annual Night Before Opening Day opus…let’s get ‘Bunted!!!

How about a few LOLZ to hold you over til Monday:

-I spilled coffee on my shirt this morning. I’m a bigger loser than the Miami Heat.

-There was so much smoke coming out of the Vatican chimney, I thought our new pope was Cheech or Chong.

-Speaking of the pope, now the Cardinals could focus on getting a quarterback.

-The problem with robbing a Chinese restaurant is a half hour later you want to rob someplace

else.

-My dog ate my kids Legos. The next day he pooped out an airplane.

-Tiger Woods is back at being #1. At whoring.

-Last week’s snow storm was so bad even the kids who are homeschooled got out early.

-Jewish girls used to Passover me in high school, so did the Catholic girls.

-My college bball bracket has more losers than a high school chess club.

-Only in America are pizza joints run by Mexicans and themanager of the Taco Bell is named

Angelo.

-Let gay people get married, instead we should ban gay divorce…that’ll teach ‘em.

*Catch me doing stand-up at Rockledge Fire Hall on April 13^th. Ticket comes with free beer & wine. Contact infrequent blogger Jim Korhan via Facebook for ticket

On the Fence

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty - On the Fence

 

This is kinda early for me but since CJ has posted already what the hell. 2 games into spring training, seriously, what can you tell? Well it seems to me several small things pop up. First, I haven't decided yet on the offseason. Some good small moves, possibly dictated by the cap. We've become accustomed to big headline splashes and the wallet finally can't keep up. I must say though, WHY THE FUCK sign Delmon Young, no matter how "cheap", without giving Babe Ruf(who tore up winter ball) and Dom Brown a real fair shake? I like Revere a lot, but Chollie better swallow his pride and let him lead off. Revere has said and done all the right things since he signed. But wait til he plays at The Bank and see what REAL fans are like. If he likes the organization now, wait til the home opener. And will someone please tell him yes, the Flyers do have a black dude playing for them lol... arguably one of their top players to this point. ;)

 

I *LOVE* signing Mike Adams. Scratch off 8th inning setup man. That leaves Stutes and Bastardo to early situational work that they're suited for. Kudos to Bastardo for changing to his 3rd different number in as many seasons lol. I really hope Aumont is ready for some long relief, at 6'8" he should be strong enough for it. I also have hope that Dubee gets out of his fucking recliner and really pays attention to what's going on this year, and not flying by remote control like Chollie seemed to be doing too often last year.

 

 

 

Quick notes on Cole and Doc... neither seem to have any lingering effects of their shoulder ailments after their first starts, albeit 2 innings each. Both strong with command. Cliff, your turn today.

 

I agree with Doc, Cole is # 1. I just hope he embraces it as well as he did his pay check. Both had rock solid starts over the weekend. I don't agree with Doc that we need as many wins as possible in spring training to carry over to the regular season. Spring training is as much for Chollie as it is for the players. He hasn't pushed buttons as well as he did 5 years ago when the talent overrode anything he fuct up. We cannot afford that in any way, shape, or form.

 

Now to the meat and potatoes. Around the horn.... Michael Young is a quality guy and player. Both the Phils and he need him to return to all star form. I think he proves to the Rangers they should have kept him. I also loved how he told Eskin he was a dick for putting him on the spot in his first interview.... quote "You suck" :) He is a young 36 if there is such a term. JRoll... other than his batting average was solid last year . I believe he knows in his heart he *NEEDS* to lead by example this year. I'll reserve final judgment on him until I see him play in the WBC on 3/8 and the rest of spring training. My tix are just past the 1B dugout first row, and I won't hesitate to let him hear how I feel on anything he or Shane does lol. Now the biggest part of the situation, right side of the majors oldest infield. Chase... looks great, sounds great, rbi in his first AB. If his legs are ok, can we trust Chollie to use him right? I fugging hope so. And The Big Piece... so far so good. His

Achilles should finally be healed and if I were the batting coach I'd close up his stance some more and ... oh wait, you're tired of me saying how I could make him hit again, right? I won't let that go, I know hitting. Let me add in Yuneisky Betancourt, Galvis, and Frandsen are solid infield backups, so to move on...

 

Chooch, I hope you got caught recovering as opposed to supplementing. Thank God for Kratzy who can hold the fort for 25+ games. Also, I need to mention Cody Asche who should make a perm appearance sometime by the end of June.

 

There you have it from the desert. A lot left unsaid, but spring training just started. There is also something else not right. I haven't heard the sound of catcher's mitts popping the last couple days when I go out to my car. I guess the Giants aren't spending much time across the street like they have in the past. I mostly don't care except I want Hunter Pence to sign my #3 jersey so I can frame it lol. Oh well, my problem. Cya at the end of spring training when we can debate what happens in the next 4 weeks.

 

Bill S/aka netfather

It’s Spring Again

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood

It’s Spring Again

 

 

 

THIS IS THE TIME FOR FALLING IN LOVE!

The 2013 Phillies open up Spring Training this week with more questions than answers. Will Halladay return to form? Who is starting at the corners in the OF? Will Kornhole write more than 1 blog for the ‘Bunts? These and other questions plaguing the Phightans this season could all be addressed with the same answer: Time will tell. Our preseason ranking is 16, with the Gnats being #1 and the Braves coming in at #2. Needless to say, the NL East is going to be as competitive as a ‘bobbing for roids’ contest between ARod & Ryan Braun.

 

So let’s break the ’13 Phils on down like an old schoolbreakdance sesh. So grab some linoleum and put on your Keds: Let’s kick it!

 

New Edition: Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky, Mike, Ralph & Johnny to…

 

Mike Adams – The best acquisition of the off season. No more throwing-up Dollar Dogs during the 8th while some scrub blows our 1 run lead. Grade: A

Delmon Young –Fat, anti-Semitic and hurt? Where do I sign?D*Yizzy makes Blanton look like Slim Whitman. Word to UnaPaloma Blanca! Moreover, you won’t catch Young at the Seder table anytime soon. Philly hasn’t seen this much of a train wreck since Kornhole was cut off at the Walnut Street Starbucks! Irregardless (not a real word), this acquisition should provide more drama than a Real Housewives ep. I’ll be watching! Grade: B (Got him for cheap.)

 

Ben Revere – Michael Bourn Jr? Really? He’s fast, but can’t throw or hit. RAJ says he’s a ‘work in progress’, but so isknitting an afghan. He’s starting…so there’s no looking back now! Grade: C

 

Michael Young – In baseball years, Michael is everything but young. He might as well have done the Charleston at the Speakeasy with Netfather Bill. Nevertheless, I back this acquisition and feel that Young has a lot to prove since getting bumped by the Rangers. I feel that he has the skill and drive to make his old team regret giving him the ole hucklebuck! Grade: B+

 

John Lannan – We used to smoke Lannan when he was a Gnat and now we have him. WTF? Grade: C-

 

 

Not Ready for Prime Time Players: Live from Philly, it’s …

 

John Mayberry and/or Dominick Brown – IMO they are one in the same. The experiment has failed. Demote them, trade them or cut them…I don’t care.

 

Kevin Frandsen – I am a Frandsen fan. His D’s not the best, but his bat came through for us more than once last season. He’s a good bench player to have. Plus he gets the flame in Robin’s old coal stove burning again.

 

Darin Ruf – We gave Mayberry & Brown more chances than the Prodigal Son. It’s time to give Ruf his due. Start him at left and Brown at right til/if Young’s ready to roll!

 

 

Phab 5: I gotta ticket to CB Park and I don’t care…

 

Ole King Cole (Hamels) – Will he start Opening Day or not? Stop that ish!!! He’s your Opening Day pitcher…you paid him remember?!?!?! Cole #1…Iran *hak put*!

 

Cliff Lee – If your Fantasy League awards points for ‘quality starts’ then Cliff Lee’s your mellow! If he gets any run support this season he might beat Hamels in wins. Plus our 2 left-handers need to be split up. He’s your #2!

 

Doc Halladay – He’s not your parent’s pitcher anymore. Granted he’s better than most out there, but he’s getting old. I hope he returns to form, but it’s highly unlikely. I got Doc at #3.

 

Kyle Kendrick – Phillies fans love him and hate him and that’s all in the same inning. Kendrick was last year’s MVP. He was more reliable than the 2nd pair of undies your mom packed! I’m counting on him to have a great season this year.

 

John Lannan – see New Edition.

 

 

OG’s: Posse up!

Ryan Howard – Howard’s been on a steady decline since winning the World Series. Pitchers have figured him out and could afford to pitch around him if need be. Fans who think he’s going to return to his glory days are the same people who think wrestling is real. Howard will have an average season at best.

 

Chase Utley – Ladies love him, girls adore him…I mean even the ones that never saw him. But, his knees are about as reliable as Fox News. Utley’s Spring Training is going better than last year’s ie he’s not playing 2nd from a chair. So, is he healed? Ah, no. If Chase plays 100 games this year I’ll be happy. Galvis is back (get it? Back!), so the D shouldn’t be an issue, but the bat will…both Chase’s & Freddy’s. If Chase is on point that’ll make pitching around Howard more difficult. But again, when it comes to Utley, there are more questions than answers.

 

Jimmy Rollins – J*Rolled into camp early this year (because he’s playing in the World Classic). Still it’s nice to see him. Last year, was a typical Rollins year, where his D was stellar, but he still remained the King of Pop. I think if Revere gets hot,Cholly needs to replace J*Roll at lead off.

 

Carlos Ruiz aka Chooch bka Speedy Gonzales – Chooch is the man!!! But, is that because he was more doped up than a hippieselling PB&J’s in the parking lot of a Grateful Dead tribute bandshow??? Well??? The 25 game suspension hurts, but Kratz got this. I just hope that Chooch was/is the real deal. We’ll see…

 

Well this is my review…love it or leave it alone. I’ll be back in a week or so with my season predictions. Leave some comments below and share this noise with your friends onSpacebook! Until next time…let’s get ‘bunted

Rumors

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

Rumors

 

PHILLIES BUNTS NEW LOGO!

We blew it!!! The Phillies Bunts has officially become a ‘sports rag’ ala the National Inquirer. One of our senior staff member’s via a Phillies’ insider who’s close personal friends with the club’s traveling secretary heard that the acquisition of Josh Hamilton was a done deal. 4 years for $109mill!!! TAKE-IT-TO-THE-BANK-BRO! The Bunts staff was so excited there was a rumor that Kornhole was going to put his 5 fake scripts on hold to actually write a piece for this blog…crazy, I know! For about 12 hours, while the world watched the 12-12-12 Concert sponsored by Geritol, all of the Bunt-a-maniacs were on top of the world!!! RAJ finally came through with the huge off season acquisition that now has basically become an annual tradition.

But then Thursday afternoon things done changed…

The Anaheim Angels by way of Los Angeles via Compton acquired Josh ’pass the pipe bro’ Hamilton for real . Oh word?!? Our inside scoop quickly became a heaping poop scoop and we quickly had to retract our statements via the interwebs. And now my peeps, we’re vigorously wiping egg off our faces. (Except Netfather Bill…he uses the egg whites to treat the crow’s-feet around his eyes).

So where does that leave our Phightans? We needed bullpen help, but traded a pitcher for a younger version of Juan Pierre. Yeah, yeah…I know Ben Revere is supposed to be an ‘Upton in training’, but he can’t hit. And we also traded for Michael Young who’s anything but? The last time he played 3rd, Nolan Ryan was still playing. He’s could possibly be the bat we need, but only time will tell. But with Hamilton taken, the free agent pool is getting shallower than the (insert witty pun). All that is left is Swisher, Hirichio and that’s about it. Hell, at this point we might as well bring back Ibanez for a bargain basement price. And BTW folks, the deal Victorino got in Boston is ridiculous…MC Hammer spent his money more intelligently. #canttouchthis

So as of December, we went from a ‘12 Phils that was a solid C to a ‘13 Phils that’s maybe a C+. And to the sheep that think Howard is going to be back to ‘08 form because he’s had a full year off to recover, I say to you ‘come on, man!’ And don’t forget our 2nd basemen’s knees are as reliable as a campaign promise and our ace catcher is now affectionately known as Speedy Gonzales.

So Reubes…Xmas is right around the corner and the list goes a little like this: a solid bat, bullpen help, a solid bat, bionic knees for Chase, a time machine for Howard, a ‘mind eraser’ for Doc, a solid bat and a new rug for Wheels. Get on it bro! Let’s get ‘bunted!

 

HARD COPY OF THE LATEST PHILLIES BUNTS BLOG!

PS Be sure to check out DB29’s piece on Bigfoot in next month’s edition of Phillies Bunts!!! #sportsrag