Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Little Squirrelly

For the most part, conspiracy theories are a bunch of bullshit. Propaganda, not based in reality, used to sway you to believe something that the mere facts themselves won’t let any rational person believe.  The moon landing was a hoax. Oswalt (Lee Harvey not Lil Roy) didn’t act alone. Gas prices go down in an election year so you think the president is doing a good job…..oh wait that one is legit. I’m not one to talk conspiracy theories, but sometimes you just can’t ignore that there is too many coincidences to not have some basis in reality.

I’m not talking about the fact Pujols is complaining about the start time of the game and the resulting shadows. You fucking crybaby. If I’m not mistaken, both teams used the same mound and batter boxes and had the same benefits and disadvantaged the shadows caused. I’m not talking about the obvious change in the strike zone during game 2.  I’m talking about the 6 inch 6 pound rodent terror unleashed on the Phillies/Cardinals game last night.

For the following reasons, I believe the squirrel was a trained and was on the field with a purpose.

First, the squirrel was not afraid of humans. Most times you see a squirrel, it simple runs up the tree to get away. This squirrel was in a stadium with a crowd of 50,000. Not natural.

Second, the Phillies were in the field and weren’t the least bit affected nor apprehensive. While I can understand grown men aren’t afraid of squirrels, I would have been a tad leery to chase down a ball down the line while the squirrel was just chillin under the wall padding.

Lastly, if a squirrel can learn to water ski, they can be taught to out-think Tony LaRussa.

Now what was the Phillies use for the squirrel? These are pure conjecture but I expect the truth to come out sometime between now and after the last current Phillie retires.

#9. Just a Phillies fan, who could afford tickets from stub hub so he hitched a ride to St Louis but couldn’t figure out the seating chart.

#8. He was the combo meal #4 in Big Mac Land which would explain the fans trying to grab him. If you catch your dinner, it’s free.

#7. He actually worked for TBS and was sent out so the announcers had something to talk about besides how great J’aime Garcia is.

#6. He has no real job or use. He’s just a pet that Stutes carries around in the Dora backpack. This would also explain the bullpen’s affinity for Pistachio Girl. She’s the squirrel’s main source of nutrition

#5. He works for the Cardinals. He plucks LaRussa’s eyebrows. He saw a stray.

Squirrel "I told you there be hell to pay if you squirmed"
#4. He was a messenger sent by the landscaping company. Albert was late for his second job.

#3.  He’s a trained pickpocket sent by the Cards to swipe Worley’s sweet-ass specs.

#2. He’s been trained by Mick Bilmeyer to steal signs. The shadows were making it hard for him to do his job and got over eager and tried to find a more suitable spying location.

#1. Just a distraction to get J’aime Garcia off his game. I think you, me and Ben Franciso would agree it worked.

Anyway, the good news is I’ve stopped sweating and my heart rate has returned to normal. The better news is Oswalt’s on the hill and the Phillies are closing it out TONIGHT!

See ya at the ball park!

Jay Wrizight


  1. Love the Phils cap on the little guy. I have another theory...he was sent in to help the Cards find their nuts!!!

  2. Pujols has sand in his pussy. Whatever team that gives him 300 million this offseason will regret it more then the Nats signing Jayson Werthless.

  3. I wish the guy who was trying to grab the squirrel actually caught it.....prying the rodent from his face would be the highlight of the night!

  4. I believe the squirrel was a trained and was on the field with a purpose.