Monday, March 28, 2011

Predictions from the Kornhole

In honor of Jesse Jackson, I will dedicate this week’s KORNHOLE’S ALLEY to Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder. For those of you not familiar, the Greekster was amazingly inaccurate at picking games but he was very good at letting us know the history of the Black Athlete.

I know everyone’s picking the Phillies to win the World Series. Why would you not? This team has 4 aces and Fat Joe. This team has the most expensive singles hitter in the history of baseball. It has a leadoff hitter who reminds me of this guy who runs like Hayes, but hits like shit.

This team should rip through the NL East and the only thing stepping in their way is Dr. Andrews and the freaking knife. So, I will go out on a limb and say the Phillies will go 163-0.

This is not a typo. The Phillies will go undefeated. This team is so good they will win more games than they play. (There is a first for everything).

Now that the team prediction is out of the way, let us take a look at the individual statistics I see from this team.

Home Runs – Josh Barfield 143

Jessie… err… Josh will come in and replace the injured Shane Victorino. It’s going to happen in San Diego. The corner outfielders and the bench will all injure during the game. This will leave the Flyin’ Hawaiian to man the outfield himself. Trying to cover the outfield himself Shane-O will go down for the season with a torn ball sack.  The next day our boy Josh will get called up and he’ll hit a Homerun in every game the rest of the season.

Average - Pete Orr 1.000

Pete Orr like his long lost Boston Bruin uncle will be a force to be reckoned with. Pete’s an amazing talent and shouldn’t be overlooked. I see him coming up and replacing Placido Polanco sometime in late June. Polanco will miss the rest of the season after coming down with extreme frost-bite after a game in Florida in front of 37 fans.

RBIS – Rob Quinlann 324

Never before has one man averaged 2 RBI’s per game. Rob Quinlann is no ordinary man. Rob will replace Ryan Howard on Opening Day after Ryan Howard strikes out looking to a Brett Myers curveball. It’ll be unfortunate but Ryno will miss the remainder of the season when we learn that the he can’t blink. It’s all due to his eyes being stuck open.

WALKS – Hunter Pence 324

Hunter will come to the Phils in a blockbuster trade with the Astros at the halfway point after the team loses Ben Francisco Treat and John M(G)ayberry in the same game against the Boston Dead Sox.

Francisco will strain his eyelid after sleeping on his eye in a weird way. Mayberry will miss the season after eating too much food and eventually losing to Joe Blanton in an all-you-can eat contest at the team’s luncheon prior to the game.

In desperation Ruben will do what he always does. Allow Ed Wade to walk all over him. Ruben will send highly touted prospect Brian Schneider to the Astros for Hunter Pence. Hunter will finally learn patience and average 4 walks per game over the final 81.

WINS - Ryan Madson 81

I know! I know! Ryan’s not a starter. The Phils will have to score a lot of 8th and 9th inning runs to go 163-0.  

The entire bullpen will be lost for the season besides Adam Eaton… err… Danys Baez and Ryan Madson. The starters will go 7 strong. Baez will give up runs to lose the lead in the 8th and Madson will shut’em down in the 9th. Think people think!

ERA – Wilson Valdez 0.00

You thought Wilson only bails out the lineup and be-friends Tom Hanks? Au contraire! Wilson can do anything. That includes pitch.  He will give us seven strong every day after the entire rotation gets hurt in May.

There you have it. My individual and team predictions for your 2011 Phightin Phils! This will be a team like no-other. I read somewhere that 116 wins was an unattainable record.  They’ll smash that record at Dodger Stadium on August 10th in their 117th game. Below is the boxscore for the Phils.

       CF Dykstra 2-6
                    1B Quinlann 2-6, 2 rbis
                 2B Young 2-6, 11 sbs
3B Orr 9-9
                 LF Barfield 2-6, 3 hrs
     SS Young 2-6
    RF Pence 0-0
C Ruiz 2-6
   P Valdez 4-4

I know some guys may seem out of position but trust me; they can do whatever is needed to win. Check out the pitching lines.

Valdez 7IP, 0ER, 21SO, 0H, 0BB
  Baez 1IP, 12ER, 0SO, 12H, 36BB,
Madson 1IP, 0ER, 3SO, 0H, 0BB

It’s going to be a fun season Phils F(ph)ans. So don’t sweat the fact that we’ve already lost Utley, Dombo, and Lidge… we’re going to lose everyone else too… but not a game. That includes an extra 11 wins in October.

Thanks for reading Kornhole’s Alley. Now go vote on the 2nd Round of the Most Ridiculous Phillies contest.

You can Email me at if you’re dumb enough to disagree with me and think the Phils will lose a game this season.


  1. I wouldn't mind seeing Hunter Pence in a Phillies uniform. Can Ed Wade get fleeced again?

  2. Not to be too critical, but where to all the runs come from in the 9th inning? And since the Dodgers would bat around 4 times in the 8th inning wouldn't the Phillies have to do the same. And 1 last thing, wouldn't Madsen have 81 Saves since Baez was the last pitcher of record when the Phillies took the lead after an inning he pitched? Sorry to be so critical.

  3. ur taking this way to seriously my friend.

  4. see i told you marriage was gonna ruin your thought process!!!!!!

  5. didnt realize i posted that under anonymous

  6. Who the fuck are you kidding? you were scared and hiding in anonimity. You wifey probably told you to sack up, so you did.

  7. haha. you're right about that one. im already in line.

  8. i poop and i like it. my poopie smells better than your poopie.