Thursday, March 31, 2011

Oh, What A Wonderful World (it would be)…..

I have contemplated throwing beer, kicking seat partners and mastered the art of holding my bladder for 9 innings….  I am a Phillies fan, through and through.  Throwing beer would qualify me for an ejection from the game, and that is not cool.  Kicking seat partners, yeah, I have done that, “accidentally!”
I have been to several hundred Phillies games in my short 34yrs of life. I have learned there are a few rules of etiquette one needs to follow at a baseball game.
Allow me to educate you:

1) Why would you pay, on average, $60 per ticket, only to sit there and discuss your fantasy baseball line-up for 9 innings?  Seriously?  I do not care!

2) If your child has been up since 6am….it is probably NOT a good idea to bring them to a 7pm game.  I want the only stress during those hours to be game related….NOT subconsciously restraining myself from punching ignorant parents.

3) To my fellow female game attendees: I do not care who has what designer bag and where so-and-so bought their fantastic shoes. Oh…also, this is baseball, the Phillies colors are RED & WHITE.  Lose the pink bedazzled crap. (gag)

4) Learn to handle your alcohol. If you are a light weight, it is probably best to refrain from drinking at all.  To the drunk lady in 5 inch heels trying to shuffle sideways down the isle and falls in my lap….I will be sober and I will kick your ass.

5) No matter how loud you yell, the person on the other end of your cell phone cannot hear you.  The cheering Phillies fans reign superior.

6) If you notice the fan cams pointing in your direction…..please remember this….there are millions of viewers at home watching their TV’s, pointing and laughing at the idiot calling his friends and pointing at himself on the jumbo tron.

7) Please do not bitch about the amount of fat and calories in ballpark food.  If you want tofu and veggie crisps…..go to the ballet.

8) The Bongo Camera is ridiculous. Enough said. Idiots.

9) I am reinstating my unspoken rule. If you are seated in my row, or a row in front of me…you are limited to 3 trips to the bathroom or concession stands. That is 3 times the entire game, not per inning!

10) I am a female. I know I have nice legs. If you are not my husband, there is no need to touch them.

If I had the ability to address the pregame crowds with my rules of etiquette over the big screen, after the Phillies Ball Girls layout their rules….everyone would have a wonderful experience! Remember, I am not a bitch….just a frugal mother who is out, sans kids, and would like to get her money’s worth!!!  Play ball & Go Phillies!



  1. Real Housewives of Philly....funny stuff!

  2. Jeez, so much for pointing at the Jumbotron in my pink Hamels jersey while enjoying a delicious veggie crisp. Not to mention all that time I spent practicing my air bongos this off-season.

    I wonder if the Russian gulags still have openings for the summer. I need to find some fun somewhere!

  3. The Wriz endorses the Bongo Cam and touching nice legs! but he does frown on mutiple trips through the row and fantasy baseball talk at the game.

  4. we get it you're better than everyone else. what does this have to do with knowing baseball?

  5. Weren't the bio's two weeks ago? I want to read about the Phillies. Not the writers. I'm sure you're a cool chick and I'm not questioning your love of the Phillies, but this is a blog about the Phillies, not a blog about Phillies fans and how much of a fan they are. I'm about to give up on this blog.

  6. FYI MOOE....the season didn't start yet.

  7. I'll make sure my kids sleep til noon the next time I bring them to the game. Wouldn't wanna stress you out lady, damn.

    Just curious, you ever heard of Valium?

  8. Wow. tough crowd. My PayPal account is Send some money to it and then you can dictate what is and what is not written on this blog.

  9. So you don't think the readers of this blog who you're trying to appeal to should have an opinion on what they read? Who exactly are you trying to have read your blog. If you can't handle criticism I guess this won't last too long.

  10. I think you are entitled to have an opinion. Feel free to share it whenever you want. It's cool. I also opened up the blog to anyone who wanted to write with our "Spot Starter" feature. So if you want to get really in depth and show us what we should be writing feel free to share. I welcome the challenge. But I will tell you this, we are not paid sportswriters. We do not have the same access and privleges the Bill Conlins and Jim Salisbury's have. This blog won't be a regurgitation of already reported news. I do hope you'll stick around and see what we are all about, but if you don't thats ok too.

  11. I pooped my pants. You pooped your pants. We all poop our pants!

  12. I come here because I prefer what people with a passion about the team want to write. The appeal of the blog is that you aren't Bill Conlin or Jim Salisbury. I know all six people on here have a passion. Not a passion for writing, but a passion for the Phillies. I look forward to reading about the Phillies. I don't care what overpaid writers have to say about the Phillies, they're more annoying. I'm a fan of the Phillies, I want to read what other Phillies fans have to say.

  13. My final preseason piece tomorrow is going to touch you in a special way. It'll feel like an angel's breath on the back of your neck. Next Friday I start getting rough....NWA rough!!! Like if Eazy E copulated with Abdullah the Butcher!!!

  14. HouseOfFunkhausersMarch 31, 2011 at 9:30 PM

    Where the Funkhausers sit, no one ever gets up. Everyone brings their own beers and pees right in the empties. It's both wonderful and terrible at the same time. Of course these are not the $60 seats. Times are tough for the Funkhausers. On the bright side, tomorrow is...Friday, Friday ! Everyones lookin forward to the weekend!

  15. I am happy to say, no one pissed me off or touched my legs opening day (i had an isle seat) It is all good....I can take the shit talk.