Monday, March 21, 2011

Welcome to Kornhole’s Alley.

We here at Kornhole’s Alley will focus not just on your Phightin Phils, but we’ll also focus on the enemy.

Who is this enemy I speak of? There are many! We have the media who are all so hard up to break a story first, that they’ll report un-truths. We have the dumb Mets fans that come down on buses thinking it is 1986 still.

I’m sure everyone reading this remembers that 1986 Mets team well. If you don’t, I know some people who do. The crack dealers of New York City! If it weren’t for them then Dr. K(rack) and right fielder Daryl Dinglberry would have been in a Heep (not Danny) of trouble that season.

You know what really amazed me about those two? Each day they would sell their bodies to some random drug lords, still make it to the game, and play as well as they did. Imagine if they weren’t high, and taking it in the ass all night. The 1987 team may have been just as Amazin’.

I remember my sadness when our ‘86 Phils were finally knocked out of contention with 22 games to go. Those stinking Mets and their fans thought their asses didn’t stink but we all know Dr. Krack and Dinglberry’s stunk like semen.

Moving on! This blog is about keeping people honest. I will track the media throughout the country. I will “converse” with the opposing teams’ fans. I may even “converse” with the opponents themselves.

I’ve been to many stadiums around the country and this year will be no different! I will travel and I will report. The only place I won’t go to is Washington. They scare me down there!

Speaking of Washington! What the hell were they thinking!? Why would you pay anyone that kind of money? His entire career he had protection in front of him and you’re gonna throw all that money at him? No wonder this team is a cellar dweller year after year!

Who in their right mind would pay Jesus Flores that kind of money to play behind I-Rod? If you’re going to take Jesus, take the one who can walk on water. You gotta go with Christ. Jeez!


The experts say our closest rival is the Braves. You know the same team that shows their racist ways by dressing up like Native Americans and tomahawk chopping to death. The same franchise which supports a wife beater as its manager.

I live by certain rules in life and if you’re going to have a wife beater in uniform he needs to be a jerk off pitcher not a manager. Just a rule I live by!
The so-called up and coming team is the Marlins. Going to a Marlins game is like playing “Where’s Waldo” with the fans. They announce an attendance of 4,000, but I think the real attendance is somewhere around 23. I think more people would go to a Sixers-Wizards game at the Wells Fargo Center in 24 inches of snow, on a cold night in December, than to a Marlins-Rays game combined.

Their ownership led by Jeffrie Lurie(a) conned the local government and the South Beach citizens (Sorry Lebron, hate to see a few extra bucks come out of your check) into building a stadium that nobody will go to.

Each week I will look at the Phils upcoming schedule and learn the truth about the teams we face, their city, their media, and whatever else I can dig up. I will report only the facts as I see them.

Now for a trip into the archives! Each week I will go into the time machine and bring back a Phillie who I feel could help this franchise today.

I will break down what he/she can do to help hit better, pitch better, and whatever else it may take to get us off a losing snide.

It could be a player, owner, mascot, manager, negro league player, fan, or Al Meltzer. Who knows what we may need, but I promise I will find that right guy.

This week I think the Phillies organization, fans, media everyone knows that this team can be lacking some fire power. Losing Jason Werth and Chase Utley takes close to 60 Homers out of your lineup.

    I personally think that Ben Francisco can play everyday. I also think that Wilson Valdez can fill in for Utley, even if it’s only a few months. But we still have to worry about the power numbers.

Ryan Howard needs protection in front and behind him. Pitchers already throw slop at him… wait till you see what they throw now. So, I have found the right guy the team should call to fill in as a power bat.

This man has crushed the ball. He has power. He’s done things that most players can only dream about. I talk about the one and the only Robert Person.

Below is an excerpt from the always truthful Wikipedia page of the amazing power hitter Robert Person.

Person's most memorable feat came with the Philadelphia Phillies on June 2 2002. He not only threw five strong innings in which he allowed three hits and one unearned run while striking out five, but he also hit two home runs against the Montreal Expos. The first home run was a grand slam to left field off Masato Yoshii with two outs in the first inning; the second was a three-run home run to left field off Bruce Chen with one out in the fifth inning. In between those home runs, he came up again with the bases loaded and drove a ball far enough for a second slam, but it was foul and he ended up striking out.

If Ruben would take a second from bringing in Aces all the time, he would realize a pitcher like Robert Person is what’s needed not just every fifth day as a 5-inning Cy Young Candidate, but the other four days also to keep pitchers honest against our 25 Million Dollar Singles Hitter.

Wondering what Robert’s been up to? He’s been keeping busy.

Thanks for stopping by Kornhole’s alley. Feel free to email me at or follow me on twitter at Kornhole Alley.