Friday, April 1, 2011

The Night Before Opening Day

Hoodwink'd by cj hood



'Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
And Mom in her Utley Jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizens Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
The Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
while Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and four aces,
With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,
I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Hamels! now, Oswalt! now, Blanton and Lee!
On, Howard! on Rollins! and hopefully Utley!
From the dugout! to the top of the wall!
They dashed away! dashed away! dashed away all!"
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricane fly,
The Astros an obstacle? now that is a lie,
So onto the diamond the coursers they flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Madson too.
McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Doc Halladay, emerged, and took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
Brett Myers was drunk, got the clap from a whore,
And he looked like an extra from that show Jersey Shore.
Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting
Werth sticking his tongue out, whiffing and strutting;
'Nats fans went to games wearing disguises,
While Bonds was in San Fran upping hat sizes;
The Freak broke his arm, Buster Posey did to,
And Wilson quit baseball; converted to (hasidic) jew.
Howard hit homeruns, Polanco looked great,
Checking the calendar; Were we back in '08?
Chooch was an AllStar before it was done.
And the Doctor repeated as this year's Cy Young,
Contreras delivered and so did Valdez,
As did Shane and Raul and Danys Baez.
The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin' Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can't wait til Friday; dress warm cuz it's freezing,

"Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season."

Daddy was supposed to read this to you last night.  But, Dad got drunk again…sorry kids.  Here’s to a terriphic season....go Phils!!!  I'm outta here like Castillo! 


  1. HouseOfFunkhausersApril 1, 2011 at 2:35 PM

    Very nice work. You're like a modern-day Judy Blume.

  2. yo re-do Mayberry NEEDS to be in dare!

  3. The talent level of this blog amazes me. i just hope I can keep up.