Sunday, April 3, 2011

The Slap & Stomp Patrol Roams Citizens Bank Park

I was reading the greatest Phillies blog this week and had an epiphany. KimberLee had a great piece on fan etiquette at the ball park. Her insights were spot on. As someone who attends a bunch of games I couldn't agree more. For lack of a better word, the Phillies recent success has bought an 'element' to the park. The park is 'The Place to Be', for better, or, I say, worse. This is something true Phillies baseball fans will have to put up with for the foreseeable future. I can take almost all of it. The stupid comments. The inane chatter about everything other than baseball. I even don't mind getting up 50 times a game. I do have one giant pet peeve. The park is filled with all kinds of douche bags but one takes the 'Summer's Eve' world title. "NOW ENTERING THE RING, THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION DOUCHE BAG OF THE WORLD.....THE WALKING TEXTER!"
On Opening Day, it seemed like every idiot on Ashburn Alley was barely walking while texting. These are the same morons that text while driving. Ashburn Alley is tough enough to navigate if you know where your going (most don't), and you are looking where you are going (texter's have their head's up their ass, I mean on their screens). I embrace technology as much as the next guy but you mean to tell me that text is so important it can't wait till you get to your seat? What can be so important that you need to inconvenience everyone around you? Let me guess your text goes something like this, "I'M @ da game! LOL!"... Riveting. It's an epidemic and needs to be addressed. 

I have a plan to help fix this problem. For it to work let's pretend I have unlimited funds. If I ever hit the PowerBall, this will be the first thing I'm doing with my money. I will hire three of the largest, scariest MMA fighters I can find. For arguments sake let's say Brock Lesnar, Rampage Jackson and Chuck Liddell. I will have them patrol Ashburn Alley and slap cell phones out of the hands of walking texters. Then they will be instructed to stomp the phone into a million pieces. What? You want to mouth off feel free, it's your funeral. Have you ever seen 'Bully Beatdown?' It won't end well for you. I do not condone man on woman violence but woman on woman violence is kind of hot. So with that in mind, I will also hire Gina Carano to give the ladies the same treatment. Since I'm still in the euphoria of my recent PowerBall windfall I won't be a total tool, I will give each victim $1,000 to buy a new phone. This will also give that stinky, Galapagos Island immigrant something to do. He will help me hand out the cash and use a pooper scooper to clean up what's left of your iPhone. The Slap & Stomp Patrol strike again! Look where you are going asshole.

Keep It Classy Philly!



  1. Absolutely, but better hope Cyborg Santos and Cain Valezquez don't like the Phillies and texting. The S&S Patrol could be short lived.

  2. I could see Summers Eve as the new hiphop slang..."yo yo you've gone Summers Eve cuz."

  3. "but woman on woman violence is kind of hot"


  4. HouseOfFunkhausersApril 3, 2011 at 11:25 AM

    Funkhauser has been lamenting this for the last few years as well. The level of douchebagedness has reached epic proportions at CBP. There is a definite frat party atmosphere that seems to be present these days. Now Funkhauser is no baseball snob is certainly not adverse to having fun, but the popped-collar Miller Lite crowd who spend half the game at McFadden's takes the jam out of Funkhauser's doughnut.

  5. i shit my pants

  6. the shat-meisterApril 3, 2011 at 8:12 PM

    you're all invited to shit yourselves

  7. Very well said Funkhauser, very well said.