Monday, April 11, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Cadillac Edition

Welcome to another adventure inside the rectum that’s Kornhole’s Alley.

Throughout history, our Philadelphia Phillies were a bad team. Just recently, it finally hit me why this team was so bad for so long. It was all about the ANNOUNCING!

Harry Kallas, Richie Ashburn and Andy Musser would call games in the summer and the team would lose. We had a small stretch of winning in the late 70’s to mid 80’s but it was obviously a fluke.

Say what you want about Sarge, but this team has done nothing but win since he joined the announcers booth: 1 World Series, 3 Division Titles, 2 National League Championships. Thanks Ryan!

This current broadcast team knows how to win.  Just ask Chris Wheeler. Wheels knows everything, and everything includes winning. Charlie Sheen actually has to compensate Wheels every time he uses the word.

Many of our readers think fondly of Harry the K and the boys, but seem to forget this team was awful when those announcers were in their prime. I’ll take a shitty Sarge comment any day if it means winning another World Series. I’ll deal with Wheels getting on my nerves if it means Doc throws another no-no in the playoffs.

Yes, I know Wheels was around in the late 80’s, but cmon’ people you know he wasn’t relevant yet.

An outcry has begun to move Franske and LA to TV. I disagree! We need to have the worst TV commentators in baseball to remain the best team. You people need to remember everything comes back around to announcing.

WEEK 1 – Booing Hamels

I love the idiots who booed Hamels. Isn’t he the only Ace on the staff with a World Series MVP? The guy had a bad night. Relax! The world won’t end. Meanwhile Fat Joe gets rocked the next night and everyone is okay with it.

Booing Hamels shows that Philadelphia is not ready to remove itself from past bigotry. Sure, blacks and whites live together, sure Asians still own all the nail salons but it’s very apparent that Philadelphia is not ready to accept a surfer. You racist scumbags! What is wrong with you?

We all know surfers are good-looking people with hot TV star wives, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too. It took us a World Series to get over our hate for rednecks and apparently a World Series Ring is still not enough for the Surfers.

I hope after Cole’s 7 shutout innings on Sunday this city gets over its hatred for Surfers.

This week in Phillies Future:

I’m so fed up with “This week in History”. We already know what happened in history. It’s time you people stop living in the past.

So, after realizing I have two small balls, I went out and bought a large crystal one. It makes me feel more of a man.

I look into the ball and I see the Washington Nationals. A terrible team, who signed a dude who has a cool beard, a good arm and allegedly Chase Utley’s pet Vagina. I see that team and its two menacing fans stealing a game and thinking they’re going to over take the Phils as beast of the east.

I see the bigger problem coming from the fish next weekend. Any team that plays in the same town that Tony Montana hailed from is gonna come out firing on all cylinders. The crowd should be heavily behind their Marlins. Do you know how intimidating it is to play in front of 36 people? I hope the Phils can handle the pressure. I think they will. So does the ball of crystals.

Thanks for rearing up my Alley. Email me at


  1. Any article that starts out with 'rectum' in the first sentence has to be good. Keep them coming Kornhole!

  2. HouseOfFunkhauserApril 12, 2011 at 6:39 PM

    I too have had my fill of the anti-surfite attitudes in this city. When Funkhauser's in charge, all city residents will be required to watch Endless Summer I AND II.