Monday, May 16, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Lewinski Edition

Welcome to Kornhole’s Alley! Let’s get started!


My ears are bleeding from people screaming about the offense. “This offense is terrible”. “This team can’t hit”. “This team can’t score runs”. You’d think Steve Jeltz was out there and Bill Clinton was shoving cigars up female rectums. This is not the late 80’s/90’s Phils. Relax!

This injury plagued Phils lineup currently ranks 6th in the NL in Average and 8th in runs. They are doing this without Chase Utley and Dominic Brown. As the team gets healthy they will score runs and hit the ball with a little more consistency.

You fans are spoiled. You guys have turned into Yankee fans. BOO HOO “We only scored two runs with Pete Orr, Mike Martinez, and John Mayberry in the lineup”. Stop crying. The Phils as of this writing have the best record in the NL and percentage points behind the Indians for the best record in the MLB. They are doing this without Chase Utley.

Stop crying! The offense will be fine. I have faith that RAJ will make the right move at the deadline to get the offense that may be needed. He’s aggressive and so is this team.


I am a big fan of Morgan Freeman. His narrative’s give old ladies named Daisy orgasms. Why in the hell did he sound like the black Corky Thatcher on Sunday? It was shocking to me that there was someone in the booth who made Sarge sound like Marconi.

I love when the Phils wear throwbacks especially the Blue uni’s but I wonder this. Why aren’t they wearing their 1963 or 1964 uniforms instead? It was 1963 when President Kennedy gave his famous Civil Rights speech. It was 1963 when MLK spoke before the thousands of activists on the Mall. It was 1964 when the Civil Rights Act was put into law.

More importantly where the hell were the black people? The only blacks I saw were the players, and the folk we celebrated.

Bud Selig is a slob by the way. When he was sitting in the booth his tie was almost at his shoulder and his gut was sticking out like an 11 month pregnant woman.


This guy needs to go on the DL until July. It seems this guy can’t pitch in the first half of the year. It’s been that way every year that Fat Joe has been here.

Speaking of this slob! We need to start him in the 4th inning. I’d suggest using Kendrick in the 1st inning but he wouldn’t help. He’d actually give up more runs.

So, here’s my idea for Fat Joe’s turn in the rotation.

1st Inning: Bastardo
2nd Inning: Stutes
3rd Inning: Madson
4th Inning on: Fat Joe

I guarantee a shutout every fifth day if Charlie thinks outside the box and listens to a Kornhole.


Not much to say here. I just wanted to point out that the jerkoffs from Queens are in last place and things will be much worse. I hate their fans and look forward to them coming to the Bank again this season.


The season is over for our winter sports teams. It was a successful one for the Sixers and an under-achieving one for the Flyers. With that said, both teams combined couldn’t surpass the Phillies in TV viewership head to head.

It’s pretty amazing how this baseball team has won the hearts of this city. If you would have told me in 1994 when Bill Giles called this team a “Small Market Team” that the Phils would crush the Flyers/Sixers combined and beat the Eagles head to head I’d have said you were as nutty as squirrel shit.

That quote all but ended Giles reign as spokesman of this secretive ownership group. That quote was accurate. Giles always said this group would put money back into the team if they had a new park. Ummmm. They have!

Long story short! This team is as popular as it is because the ownership not only spent money and filled the team with likeable players but they’ve made the right moves. The ownership group knew the fans wanted Cliff Lee back so they got him.

The Flyers on the other hand have not had a legit #1 goalie since Ronald Regan was in office. The Sixers refuse to listen to the fan base and trade the unlikeable Andre Iguodala. The Eagles continue to piss off their fan base. The Phillies went from 4th to 1st in this town because this shitty ownership group that everyone hated has done almost everything the fans can ask for.


Tough schedule coming up! Cards, Rockies and the AL Champion Rangers!

The week starts in St. Louis. This we all know is the home of Ryan Howard and when Ryan plays in front of the family he usually destroys the Cardinals pitchers. I think the Phils explode offensively against the Cards and come away with two wins behind some strong pitching from Phifer and the returning Oswalt.

The Rockies series will be a little more difficult. I think the Phightins split winning Hamels start then losing thanks to a huge first inning against Fat Joe. The week ends with the Rangers. The Phils will send Doc, Phifher and Little Roy to the mound in this series. I think the Phils take 2 of 3.

5-2 is a good record against some good competition. I’ll take that every week. Thanks for reading this week and don’t forget you can email me at


  1. Thanks for reminding me the Mets still suck. They have become irrelevant. When Bill Giles made the 'Small Market' comment the Mets were signing Pedro & Beltran. The Phillies fan base wanted the ownership group to spend money, how the tables have turned. Also, any day the Phils wear the 'Baby blues' I'm happy. Best uni's ever! Nice piece Kornhole.

  2. I guess Bud Selig is a "big" interview to land, but there is also no one I'm quicker to turn the station on either.