Tuesday, May 24, 2011

You had to know THIS was coming

What’s up Bunters? Congrats on surviving Rapture Hysteria 2011. I KNEW the world wasn’t going to end last Saturday. Everyone knows God is a Phillies fan. He wouldn’t end the world with the CLEVELAND INDIANS having the best record in baseball now, would he?

Let’s forget about all that Rapture BS anyway… well, at least until 12/21/2012.

I’m sure by now you know this already, but I just have to shout it from the rooftops:
“He’s baaaaaaaaack!!!!!! J

And as the self appointed Phillies Bunts “Chutely” welcome back committee, I thought I’d  share the encouraging words I sent to him on behalf of this wicked ass staff:
Dear Chase:
Welcome back. Philadelphia certainly has missed you! Personally - I really, really missed you. You probably don’t remember me, but we ‘met’ a few weeks back. It was opening day and I had the luck of getting to be a part of the pre-game ceremony. You marched into CBP with the rest of the team but none of them mattered to me. You were what mattered. This was a moment I had been waiting for since you were called up in 2003. I was going to come face to face with Chase Utley.

 I hope your ear is doing OK; I can only imagine how uncomfortable it must have been when I screamed your name right in that handsome face of yours… at the top of my lungs. It’s funny how one of the most exciting moments of my life can also be one of the most embarrassing :-/ I’m sure you understand, though the look on your face at that moment didn’t exactly show that.

Anyway, let’s get down to some business.

I’m sure given the current state of the Phillies offense you were eager to jump back into the line up. The NL-leading Phillies hold an impressive 28-18 record as of Monday evening (1.5 up on the 26-19 Marlins) while getting set to start a 3 game series with the 25-22 “Sweepinatti” Reds (cute, Kornhole). What’s unsettling to me, darling, is the offense’s 12th ranked NL positioning. DB29 will undoubtedly tell me to “Relax; we don’t need no stinking offense”. But with the formidable pitching of both the Marlins and Braves (26-23, 3.5 back) I think the offense needs a little jolt. I hope you are the one to do it, as your presence and leadership amongst the Phillies is well known.

Another thing that is well known: your love to play the game. Trust me, I love NOTHING more than seeing you play at 2B. This is why I am asking you to PLEASE not over extend yourself. You are recovering from an injury that has the potential to come and go throughout your career now. I trust Uncle Chalie to make the right decisions on your playing time; I trust you to be honest about any pain or soreness you feel. Being pragmatic about your return to the field is necessary. Reality check: you’re 32 now Chase. We don’t bounce back as easily as we used to. You have the potential for a long HOF career. Go easy on yourself… and stay healthy, my friend.

Welcome back, Chase Utley.

PS: Let’s just say for shits and giggles that maybe you have peaked (oh-God-please-no-because-you’re-a-Phils-fan-too-i-know-it). In the words of Bruno Mars: “You’re beautiful, just the way you are.”

PPS: The above statement is not on the behalf of the Bunts. It’s purely mine.

Holla back Bunters! WOOT WOOT!


  1. I'm glad he's back I just wish he brought his bat with him.

  2. HouseOfFunkhausersMay 25, 2011 at 7:16 PM

    Stalk much??