Monday, July 11, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Mr. 3000 edition

Hello everyone and thanks for yet again coming inside my Kornhole. Let’s get to the bidness.


It was the talk of the off-season! Are the Phillies better off with the Right-handed protection behind Ryan Howard or yet another BLEEPING ace? The Phillies offense has sucked balls for the better part of the 2011 season, so we all know the production lost when Werth hit the jackpot in DC is evident. His replacement in Right Field a rookie phenom has not come close to the protection that Werth had provided for this team in the past.

With that said, the player who replaced Werthless, one Clifton Phiffer Lee has fit in well offensively.

Now for all you Werth Lover’s (Not you Jen Utley) this may hurt your feelings but Phiffer has a better batting average in 2011 than the white Jose Reyes aka Werthless. Phiffer as of this writing was hitting .220 to Werthless .217!

The phenom the fans love to hate, the one and only, Captain Lazy; Domonic Brown is hitting.239 which is 19 points better than the 127 million dollar stiff.

Werthless has 10 dingers in 87 games while Doo Doo Brown has 5 in 42. I’ll take the brand new brother in town and his rookie contract over that stiff any day.


Before Cable TV, Internet and the 24-7 media circus we live in today, baseball was the slow sport that captured the nation. It had 2 leagues with separate presidents, umpires, and rules. It was special when once a year the stars from both leagues would face off in a must-watch game.

There was no interleague play back in the day, so it was the only chance you’d get to see how well our beloved Mike Schmidt would do against a rookie phenom like Roger Clemens. It was important to not just the fans, but the announcers, the players and everyone else involved.

In order to vote you had to actually go to a game and punch a hole in a ballot, not vote online as many times as you’d like. Guys like Ryan Howard who promote the game with their amazing display of offense made the team regardless. It promoted the game watching people like Ryno face off against the best pitchers in the American League.

Free agency was still in its infancy so players were still loyal to their teams. Each year when you turned on the game you knew that Cal Ripken would have his O’s cap and that George Brett would sport his Royals gear, etc.

Today with all the transactions that include money dumps and free agency, you may see a team on the NL one year and playing for an AL team on August 1st. It’s just not the same.
What was once a game of pride is now an exhibition narrated by two annoying announcers in Joe Fuck and Tim McCarvme!

Supposedly the players want to win so their respective league can win homefield advantage during the World Series. Hmmm!? If I’m whatever jerkoff representing the Orioles why would I care to help my bitter division rivals the Yanks or Sox get the chance to win another World Series.

I’m not against inter-league play. I’m also not against Free agency, but this game for those two reasons is no longer a must watch game, so most likely I won’t watch and it sucks but then again it hasn’t been the same since the league mandated that every team must be represented during the game.

Yeah, seems fair to me knowing that the rest of the country would rather see the Marlins represented by Gabby BLEEPING Sanchez than power hitting Ryan Howard.

MLB wonders why the All-star game’s ratings have been in the tank the last few years!


#1 Doc Halladay for obvious reasons! He is the best pitcher in the game. The guy has more complete games than entire team staffs. Doc is a throwback and a poor performance for him is giving up 4 runs. He’s the ace without question!

#2 Cole Hamels is better than Lee. The surfer has the best ERA on a staff of aces. If it weren’t for the city performing oral sex on Lee 24-7 we would realize that the ONLY WORLD SERIES MVP on the staff is the much better pitcher.

#3 Cliff Lee gets the third slot. On most teams he’s the ace, or at the very least the #2. On this staff he is the #3. That’s how special this rotation is. It’s like a sore dick you can’t beat it.

#4 Vance Worley has earned the 4th spot for now. I’m not sold on him one bit. I sniff a little Garrett Stephenson/Kyle Kendrick in this kid, but he has pitched well. With the rotation banged up thanks to injuries to Fat Joe and the animal activist himself Roy Oswalt; Vance has pitched very well and he’s earned this spot the rest of the season or until he gets banged up and I rip him in a future piece.

#5 Fat Joe/KK! I like Fat Joe. The fat ass pitches well in the second half of the season, but we need to make sure our long reliever in the playoffs is healthy down the stretch so skipping starts here and there may not be a bad idea. Of course, when Lil’ Wayne… err… Roy comes back both of these guys may be picking splinters out of their asses.


I love the tradition of baseball. I don’t hate the Yankees like everyone else in the world. But, I don’t remember this kind of hype for one Ichrio Suzuki when he was making a run at 3000 (combined Japan and MLB). Nothing drives me more insane then the bias New York media who all work on the National level now throw in our faces.

Okay, I get it! No other Yankee ever had 3000 hits. I get it Jeter hit a freaking homerun to hit that milestone and I also get it that only 29 guys have 3000 hits.

It is amazing and believe it or not I am a Jeter fan but if you’re going to give this guy the media hype machine then you should do the same for our buddy from the far-east. Ichiro is the better player on a shitty team run by shitty owners.

I don’t prefer one over the other I’m just saying, if you’re gonna blow one guy then blow the other. If not, take your knee pads shine them up real good and shove them right     up your candy ass.


JK- Hi D. Brown and welcome inside my Kornhole
DB- Thanks Kornhole!
JK- I know it must get boring playing baseball all the time. What else do you do?
DB- Nothing really.
JK- So, you do nothing?
DB- My mom asks me to do chores but I get out of it. Who wants to do that?
JK- Do you workout on your off time?
DB- I just lay around watching TV.
JK- What’s your favorite past time?
DB- I love to lay down and do nothing.
JK- Do you do anything productive?
DB- No.
JK- Is baseball a chore to you?
DB- I like the money, but I hate getting out of bed or off the couch to go play it.
JK- Where would you like to be in five years?
DB- In my bed.
JK- Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
DB- I’m going back to sleep.


Five Phillies on the all-star team and only two will play. With that said, I think the AL spanks the NL 77-3.

The Phils return from the all-star break with the “resurgent” Mutts. It’s a scam, they’re not resurgent it’s just something the media wants you to believe. They still blow and won’t have Reyes for a couple of weeks.

The Phils will take 2 of 3 from these turds, winning Friday and Sunday. This gives the team a 2-1 record for the week but more importantly some much needed rest heading into the 2nd half of the season when this team usually turns it on.

That’s it for this week. Thanks for coming inside my Kornhole and I’ll see you next time. Remember I’m looking for my FIRST email from one of you.


  1. It's like a sore dick, you can't beat it. Pure poetry! That line actually made me LMFAO!

  2. I took a poopie in work today. With neverending wipe, I almost clogged it. Luckily, a workplace tragedy was avoided.

  3. Waste of Internet space! But to be honest this article is full of bs, there's no way the AL score 77 runs where does this writer get his info from? Nostra fn ? Werth made the phillies a contender he provide a cannon arm in rf, decent speed on the bases and a decent average, you can't knock him he for sucking so bad who else on that dc team strikes fear in opposing pitchers?? Kornhole is an A level writer who should go and cover the Batavia bats or the Altoona curve, him an drown have alot of maturing to do!!! Go royals!