Monday, June 6, 2011

Kornholes Alley: Hater Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole!


Not a good week to be a Phillies fan. How the hell do you go 2-4 against the Nats and Bucs. This happened last season with the Mess and Pirates and this year it’s the Nats.

Against the Nats, Cliff Lee looked like that thief Danys Baez. It was sad! I understand having a bad start here and there but Phifer seems to have more bad outings than the other aces. He needs to get his head out of his ass and start pitching like he’s paid to do. If Cole Hamels was pitching this way you’d people and your anti-surfing selves would be calling for his head.

Mike Martinez needs to go. I understand the whole Rule 5 thing but this guy isn’t going to be an MLB player. It’s going to be more difficult to do now that Jimmy’s hurt but there has to be someone, somewhere this team can replace this guy with.

Kyle Kendrick needs to be given his walking papers or at the very least a torn ACL. I was the biggest Kendrick fan. I always defended the guy. I was screaming at Cholly for pulling him in Game 2 vs the Rockies. I will no longer defend the guy. I guess as a long reliever he is fine, but he should never be given the chance to start again. I’m over him.

Should Greg Gross call Milt Thompson?

This offense is pitiful. How do you go over 35 innings without scoring multiple runs? Ryan Howard and his contract is hitting below .250 and it’s unacceptable. I don’t want to hear no BS that he is a down the stretch hitter. When you are being paid 25 MILLION dollars a year you need to produce. No ifs and or buts!

Wilson Valdez will need to be DHed for when the interleague games begin. Let the pitchers hit. They’re the only guys that can anyway. Cole Hamels had two hits the other night. Doc got on base a couple times on Sunday. As great as Wilson is pitching and in the field, he is just as bad hitting. He’s not the problem though it’s the everyday guys like Utley and Jimmy.


The talk in Bitchburgh these days is one Charlie Morton. The same Charlie Morton who went 2-12 with a 7.57 ERA! He is pitching well. He was solid against the Phillies but I think it’s safe to say he is not nor will he be Roy Halladay.

Roy Halladay is the best pitcher of this era. If he pitched in any other era when pitchers dominated the non-steroid hitters he’d be an all-timer. I’m not saying Morton won’t be good but he will not be a Roy Halladay. So, let’s just drop all this discussion now.


Each week I will have a new segment where I interview someone Phillies related. This week Danys Baez comes inside my Kornhole.

JK – Hello Mr. Baez.
DB - Hi Jim. Thanks for having me.
JK – I guess my first question. What’s with the mask?
DB – I’m a thief. This is what we wear so people can’t see our identity.
JK – How’s it feel to be such an awful pitcher?
DB – I take great pride in it. I love going out there and giving up hit after hit.
JK – What’s your thoughts on Ruben Amaro?
DB – (Laughs) He’s a sucker. I saw him coming and now I’m counting the Benjamins.
JK – Thoughts on Michael Martinez?
DB – The both of us work as a team. We each perform oral sex on Ruben. He loves it.
JK – Who’s your mentor?
DB – I have two actually. Adam Eaton and Danny Tartabull!
JK – Have you ever thrown a strike?
DB – I’m a good bowler.
JK – Why do you suck?
DB – Actually, I am was sent over by the Braves to lose games. Don’t tell anyone.
JK – No problem! Nobody reads this anyway besides the writers of the site.
DB – Okay good.
JK – Well thanks for stopping by.
DB – It’s my pleasure now I have to go get some lesson on throwing strikes from J.C. Romero.


With all this talk of Hockey realigning, it made me think what if Baseball did the same thing!? It would be cool to have something unique. I think besides the Sox-Yanks, Cubs-Cards and Dodgers-Giants there are no true hated rivalries in baseball.

Yes, I hate the Mets but it’s not like hockey where Flyers fans loathe the Rangers and Devils. It’s not the same as the NFL where Eagles fans loathe the entire division. So, with only three rivalries to worry about I get the opportunity to start my own league from scratch.

Throw out the AL-NL crap. It’s East and West and we only lose the Cubs and Cards rivalry but I think the Cubs-Whitesox would be more hateful and interesting anyway.

Pacific                                    Southwest                     Upper Midwest
Seattle                                    Houston                        Minnesota
San Francisco                        Texas                            Chicago Cubs
Oakland                                 Kansas City                  Chicago White Sox
LA Angels                              Arizona                         Milwaukee
LA Dodgers                           San Diego                     Colorado

Central                                   Atlantic                          South
Pittsburgh                              Boston                            Baltimore
Cleveland                              NY Yankees                   Washington
Cincinnati                              NY Mets                        Tampa Bay
Detroit                                   Toronto                          Florida
St. Louis                                Philadelphia                   Atlanta

In the Pacific Division, a Dodgers-Angels rivalry would help both teams recent attendance woes and would make great banter in the area pubs, as would the Giants-A’s. The A’s draw about two people; so many Giants fans that can’t afford tickets to Pac Bell would cross the bridge to watch the game in the Oakland dump. Lets not forget that the Dodger fans travel too so this would be perfect for everyone. Seattle is a little far for everyone but they draw well as is, and the city is beautiful so I think they would be safe.

In the Southwest, there’s a little less of the closeness but it can still exist. San Diego and Phoenix aren’t to far from one another as is Texas and Houston. Kansas City is a five hour ride, not to shabby.

In the Midwest, you have the two Chicago’s and Milwaukee all within an hour of each other. Minnesota is within driving distance to Milwaukee. The Rockies on the other hand were a team without a home when I setup this realignment so I threw them here. Again, it’s almost impossible to put a perfect alignment together.

Fans like to travel and MLB should take advantage of this. Teams playing closer together would help with attendance. Let’s look at Pittsburgh and Cleveland. Two teams that should be in the same division! They both draw flies but imagine if they could hate each other. With the right media blitz, this would be an awesome rivalry. One that may not rival their football brethren but one that could put butts in the seats. The Cards-Reds has become more of a rivalry recent years then Cubs-Cards, the driving distance is also not to far off, about five hours give or take and of course Detroit is smack right in the middle of all this.

The North Division would be a fun one for the media. You would have three highest payrolls in baseball and three huge Baseball markets along with the biggest media market in all of Canada.

Then, we have the South. This of course would be the least attended division in the league but maybe inner state rivalries could help. Tampa-Miami, Balt-Washington.

It all makes too much sense. Baseball has to do something. People aren’t going to the games anymore. They’re barely watching it on TV. Let’s make it interesting. Change it up. Freshen up the game. Make me want to hate the team I’m playing.

I’m as traditional as you get. I love the history of the game. I have a collection of old baseball stadium memorabilia. I hate the DH. But, I don’t want to see my favorite sport fade away anymore than it has. Now another idea:

MLB should work with an airliner to let fans travel at a reduced cost. This rocket science is called Marketing and would be a win for win for all involved. The baseball customer, MLB and the airliner! It would help boost tourism in markets that could use it like Detroit.


The Phils embark on a 6 game homestand that begins tonight with Cliff Lee on the hill. Hopefully Cliff can get it together and if he doesn’t the fans need to let him know like they did to the Surfer. Maybe then, Cliff will wake up and be the dominant pitcher we all love.

With that said, the Dodgers and Cubs both blow more than David Wright (see Last week’s Kornhole Alley). Unlike the Nats and Bucs, these two teams have no heart. I think the Phils go 6-1 this week.


During the tournament, I put together a Field of 64. I got pretty backed up on my schedule so I had to take a little break from it. Well, now it’s time to get this thing back on track to see once and for all who the most Ridiculous Phillie of all-time is.

We will take this one region at a time. This week we’ll kick off the Felske Region.

The results of the First Round are as follows:

#1 Steve Jeltz 76-24 #16 Tommy Herr
#9 Kent Tekulve 63-37 #8 Glenbo Wilson
#13 Pat Combs 53-47 #4 Dickie Thon
#5 Luis Aguayo 60-40 #12 Ozzie Virgil
#2 Gregg Legg 87-13 #15 Scott Service
#10 Don Carman 79-21 #7 Ron Roenicke
#3 John Wockenfuss 87-13 #14 Al Holland
#11 Floyd Youmans 64-36 #6 Joe Cowley

Now make sure you vote: Click the Blue links below.

Thanks for checking out my Kornhole this week. Don’t forget you can email me at


  1. Ryan Howard is 2nd in the NL in RBI. That's what he gets paid for, driving in runs. He is a second half player, as the temp rises so will his HR total. He has 564 Chances in the field this year & 0 errors. The Big Piece is the least of the Phillies problems.

  2. Also, Steve Jeltz is the strongest #1 seed I have ever seen in any tournament.

  3. i will comment when i finish reading this next week

  4. this is how Hoodwink'd would be if i had time & patience...great read!

  5. The reconfigured divisions would be great. Too bad it will never happen.

  6. Keep 'calling out' Clifton Phifer... im SURE he is the BIGGEST fan of Kornhole's Alley and took your words to heart. I mean look how he did last night dude!!! WOOT WOOT!! Not to mention the Wilson Valdez thing.... but maybe your words are an inspiration to these guys :-p

    I do think you are right that if this were Hamels fans would be all over his shit. Phif-dog can do no wrong in Philly.

    PS... Can u rant on Utley for me?!