Kornhole's Alley: Toupée Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole. As you know, there’s nothing I enjoy more than random strangers entering my Kornhole to have a good time. This week we’ll sit down with Phillies color analyst Chris Wheeler to discuss his amazing technique behind the stick, and much more so let’s dive head first into my Kornhole.

THE PHILS OFFENSE IS A CONFUSED BI-SEXUAL

I know people who one day think they’re gay and bang someone of the same sex, then the next day they realize they are homophobic and  bang the opposite sex. I call these interesting cats a Confused Bi-Sexual.

I know a baseball team that one series loves to hit the ball as hard as Lexington Steele rams white cracker women, then the next series they hate hitting the ball so much… so they don’t.

This baseball team I speak of I call the 2011 Philadelphia Phillies. Yes, the Phillies are Confused Bi-Sexuals! Too hit or not too hit!? That should not be thy question. It should be thy obvious.

I understand the M’s have good pitching. I can also understand that Safeco isn’t exactly the Bank, but to allow Jason Vargas to 3 hit you is pretty bad. I know Vargas has become a good pitcher. Last season he pitched well, and this season he has pitched just as well but we’re not talking about Sandy Koufax here, we’re talking about Jason Vargas, the long lost cousin of the over annoying former Fox 29 sports Anchor Bill Vargas.

With that all said the Phils struggled in Seattle Friday and Sunday after kicking the crap out of the woeful Marlins pitching earlier in the week. It’s just so freaking confusing! Either hit or don’t hit, but stop being so annoyingly difficult. Figure out your preference and then act like a tennis shoe and JUST DO IT!

FAN MAIL

Dear Kornhole,

I am impressed with your knowledge on Surfing Racism. I own a few boards of my own and I love riding the waves when the off-season…. Err when I am on vacation. My wife is a former reality star who married me for my money… err Realty she sells houses and married me for all the money she makes. Anyway, I agree with you on the fans. They are a bunch of ingrates when it comes to surfers. What happened to the good old days of making fun of Black people? They still eat fried chicken don’t they? I know I seen Jimmy Rollins in the dugout with a chicken bone hanging from his mouth… on TV of course. I have never been in the dugout or the locker room. I also want to thank you for realizing that I err Cole will command a lot of money and that I err Cole Hamels is the best pitcher on the staff and will not come back because of the racists and the lack of offense all these years. I know Cole wants to tell these fans to BLEEP themselves because it was I, err Cole Hamels who delivered to those jerkoffs a World Series and an MVP to go with it.

Sincerely,

Anonymous from San Diego

INSIDE THE KORNHOLE

JK – Hello Wheels. Welcome to my Kornhole!

CW- Great to be here.

JK – Tell me what it was like to work with Harry Kalas!?

CW – He was a jealous son of a bitch. Everytime we called a game he knew it was me the fans wanted to hear. The fans didn’t care about the game. They only cared about my baseball knowledge and that used to drive Harry nuts.

JK – Are you glad Harry died?

CW – If I had to hear that Piece of BLEEP sing High Hopes one more time I was going to take him out myself.

JK – Wow. Harsh words for a legend.

CW – Legend? (Laughs) Harry was no legend. He didn’t know anything about the game. The only thing he cared about was his stupid cigars and perfecting his dumb voice. It was me who kept the people informed.

JK – Who is the greatest announcer of all-time?

CW – Is this a joke?

JK – I’m serious. Dead serious.

CW – Who do you think is the best announcer?

JK – I am a big Harry/Whitey guy.

CW – No, you’re an asshole. It’s obvious it is me and only me. I make Tom McCarthy sound good. I make Sarge look great in those hats. I am a student of the game you jerkoff. I know the ins and outs. I know when a balk is a balk. Do you? Does anyone? No. Not even the BLEEPING umps.

JK – If you were to build a team around one person from this current Phillies team who would you choose?

CW – Me! You need an announcer who knows everything. I know everything. BLEEP Vince Scully he’s a walking corpse with a microphone. I am everything that is perfect. I am more perfect than Curt Henning. I know everything.

JK – Thoughts on David Montgomery?

CW – He’s a BLEEPOT! I caught him having a three way with Bill Giles and the cigar guy. I have the photos and told all three of them BLEEPOTS that if they ever mess with me I will reveal the photos to the public. Let me tell ya Kornhole, they’re pretty hardcore.

JK – Is that why you still have a job?

CW – That’s the dumbest question I’ve ever heard. It is all about talent, Kornhole. Maybe if you had some you’d get more than one comment from someone who doesn’t work for the website you write for. Loser! WHEELER OUT!

THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES FUTURE

The Cards and A’s are on the agenda this week and for once the Phillies are lined up perfectly for an important series. Doc will go in the series opener in St. Louis and we all know Doc brings it after a bad outing. I think the Phils take 2 of 3 from the Cards losing Little Roy’s start on Thursday before coming home to lose 2 of the 3 to the money ballers. I think a .500 week is order for this team until they learn how to hit the ball with some consistency.

Thanks for checking out my Kornhole this week. Next week, we’ll continue with the Most Ridiculous Phillies contest and much more. Don’t forget you can email me at kornhole@philliesbunts.com