Monday, June 13, 2011

Kornhole's Alley: Knocked Up Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole as you know it’s always a pleasurable experience for me. On this week’s edition of the alley we’ll talk to the wife of Phillies 2nd Baseman  Jen Utley. I am publishing an email sent to me from Clifton Phifer Lee, update the Most Ridiculous Phillie contest and much more. So let us begin!


If I never see the Pirates play the Phils again I will be a happy man. Unfortunately they come in for a three game sweep at the end of July.

With that said the team played better this week. They even scored some runs. How about 7 on Friday and Saturday? What the hell is going on here?  Is the offense finally back? Utley went yard and had 4 RBIS on Saturday. Polly’s hitting Slams and they did all this with great pitching from their Top 2 dogs.

This is what the team is SUPPOSED to look like. Score 7 runs and give up 1 or 2 and go 162-0!

Speaking of Cliff Lee this leads me to a letter he wrote me after last week’s Blog.

Dear Kornhole,

How dare you compare me to that asshole Baez!!!! I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE! I am a Cy Young Award Winner. I WOULD have been the MVP of the 09 World Series if that shitty offense would have woken up.

I took more money PER YEAR to come to Philly so you people would continue to kiss my ass and like me more than Roy Halladay. Who cares that Halladay is the best pitcher in baseball!? I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE!

I will prove to you how great I am by dominating the competition this week and re-taking the strikeout lead. Why? Because I am CLIFF BLEEPING LEE! Now stick to what you know best. Having sex with chicks with BLEEPS!

Worst Regards,


I’ll never say a bad thing about him again I guess.


This week we learned that the wife of Phillies 2nd Baseman Jen Utley was pregnant with her first child. Jen stuck her head into my Kornhole to fill me up with information.

JK: Hi Jen welcome to my Kornhole.
JU: It’s so wonderful to be here. Something about the odor in the air. It smells quite freshing.
JK: Thanks. I try to take special care of my Kornhole.
JU: I can see that.
JK: Let’s get to business. You are expecting. How exciting is this?
JU: I have never been happier. We know I love animals but to have a baby of my own. It’s going to be so beautiful.
JK: Yes. Babies are cute.
JU:  They are. I do have one fear of having this baby.
JK: What’s that?
JU: I’m afraid it may come out with a wacky beard.
JK: That’s almost impossible.
JU: No, it’s not at all. It’s the Father’s genes.
JK: Chase doesn’t come off as a facial hair heavy guy.
JU: So how about Chase. He seems to be playing better.
JK: He has. I’m more into Chase’s beard. So you’re telling me that…
JU: Not to interrupt but do you think it would be weird if I had moved to DC?
JK: Why?
JU: No reason. I’m into politics and fighting for the animals ya know.
JK: I’m sure Chase wouldn’t care for it.
JU: I just want the baby to be close to his or her father.
JK: Well how would that be possible if you lived in DC.
JU: How about Chase up to .242! He’s starting to get hot.
JK: I have a question. When was the last time you slept with Chase?
JU: Did I ever tell you how I love animals.
JK: Is Chase the father?
JU: I am getting worried about the Braves. Seems like they’re making a run!
JK: You didn’t answer the question.
JU: Oh look at the time. I have to go scout the Nationals game for Chase. See ya.


The Phightins end their homestand with a 4 game series against the Florida Fish before heading out to Seattle to visit Kurt Cobain’s grave and face the Seattle Mariners.

As bad as the Marlins have been, I find it hard to believe the Marlins woes will continue.  Not that I think the Fish are a team the Phils need to worry about but I do think they are due to play better. I predict a split in this series. I think the Fish take the doubleheader sweep against Kendrick and Worley to be then followed up by Doc and Phifer dominating the final two games.

Against the M’s, I like the Phils taking 2 of 3. So we’ll say the Phightins go 4-3 this week!


Don’t look now but the Surfer that you people boo for sneezing, is a better pitcher than the son, father and Holy Spirits himself Phifer. The Surfer has been nothing less than awesome this year. He’s had one bad start which was the infamous evening of “Boo’s” at the Bank against the Braves.

Hamels currently stands at 8-2 with a 2.58 ERA. He has a career ERA a 3.45 which is better than Phifer’s 3.82 career ERA. Phifer will AVERAGE 25 million a year. Does Hamels deserve more?

The off-season will be here sure enough and assuming Ruben doesn’t sign Cole during the year it may come down to the same fans who Phifer decided he wanted to play in front of, that makes that same decision for the Surfer. Long term, I feel more comfortable with Cole “World Series MVP” Hamels than I do Phifer. So, maybe it’s time you anti-surfers get over your Prejudices’ and show Cole the love you showed Phifer.


Enjoy this final run by Madson because he’s finished as a Phillie after this year. Unlike Cole, I am not worried about losing Madson. I like Madson, and I really like him in the closer’s role. He’s been very good and less stressful than Mr. Perfect 2008.

With that said Ryan is going to command upwards to the 12 Million range and with Scott Boras representing Ryan there is no chance in hell he takes a penny less. So, with that said it’s time to look at our pen and see which of the following two could come in and close.

I think it’s safe to say that the two best candidates for the closers role are Bastardo and Stutes. Both can look dominating at times. Both are young and both seem they can come in pressure situations and do their job.

I like Stutes in the role more than I like Bastardo. I think Bastardo can be a nasty setup man for years to come. Either way, I love these two kids as the future of our back end. How about you?


The 2nd Round of the Most Ridiculous Phillie contest continues with the Levya Region. Click on the links below and vote who deserves a slot in the Sweet 16. But first, here are the results of the first round.

#1 Wally Richie 73-27 #16 Kim Batiste
#8 Toby Borland 57-43 #9 Jeff Manton
#4 Bruce Ruffin 64-36 #13 Joe Boever
#5 Randy Ready 64-36 #12 Darren Akerfelds
#2 Dale Sveum 79-21 #15 Tom Nieto
#10 Todd Frohwirth 57-43 #7 Ricky Jordan
#14 Brad Brink 71-29 #3 Marvin Freeman
#6 Sil Capusano 71-29 #11 Stan Javier

Thanks for checking out my Kornhole this week. Don’t forget you can email me at

1 comment:

  1. I hope your wrong about Madson. I fear your right. His wife wants to go somewhere else. She is on record saying she doesn't like the fan base being too into it. Sorry Mrs. Madson, there are plenty of markets where you can get your personal lives back. Maybe he can join Werthless in DC.