Kornhole's Alley: the Great Gazoo Edition

Happy Memorial Day everyone! Especially to our troops kicking ass overseas, so I can have the freedom to allow you people to enter my Kornhole!

DAVID WRIGHT SITS DOWN IN THE KORNHOLE

The Mets record as of this writing is 23-28. The only reason they’re not in last place is because the Nationals are in the same division. I wanted to get to the bottom of why the Mets suck so bad, so I sat down with Mets 3^rd Baseman David Wright to discuss why this team blows and the new owner.

KH – Hi David. Welcome to my Kornhole!

DW – Thanks Jim. I’m happy to be here. I love Kornholes.

KH – Let’s get right to it. Why do you blow this year?

DW – It’s not just this year. I’ve always blown. When we win. I blow. Reyes can tell you that I can suck with the best of them.

KH – Thoughts on Johan?

DW – I love the way he grips balls. You know he’s got a nasty spitter.

KH – Due tell!

DW – Let’s just say he’s an amazing pitcher and I’m quite the lucky catcher. Lucky for him I try not to eat taco bell. What amazes me is how his hands can grip my wood during our pitching and catching sessions. However, nothing ever comes of it.

KH – Tell me a little about Carlos Beltran?

DW – After each game, we go back to the locker room and play dollar dog night. It’s a lot of fun. Carlos places his wiener in-between my buns and it forces the ketchup to come out it. Sometimes it’s brown, mostly red. Depends on how much he’s into it that night.

KH – Interesting! Tell me about your new minority owner.

DW – I hate black people. Please don’t tell me we have a minority owner.

KH – Not all minorities are black you know.

DW – I hate Asians, too. I only like dark, South American men.

KH – Thank you for your time, David.

DW - Kornhole, before you go. Can you do me one favor?

KH – I’m not doing any favors for you. You’re weird.

DW – Please ask Ruben to trade for me? I really want to be a Phillie! They have some sexy guys over there, like Jose Contreas.

GREAT PITCHING

The pitching has been almost as good as I predicted. If you read past blogs, I ridiculed all you people for thinking that any of the so-called Big 4 or Fat Joe would be the best pitcher. I said from the beginning that the best pitcher on this team is Wilson Valdez. I told you people that he was so freaking good they named a bunch of the freaking gloves after him.

As of this writing, there are only two pitchers on this roster who have a 0.00 ERA! Yup, Valdez and Jose Contreas. Contreas is dear to us all since he used to play wiffle ball in the backyard with Jesus. How many of you can say that?

Mathension also has a 0.00 ERA but we all know that’s a sham. His WHIP is 2.33 and hitters are hitting .417 versus the stiff.

Valdez and Jose on the other hand have been magnificent. Hitters are batting only .121 against Contreas while Valdez has been even more amazing!  It’s a 0.00 batting average versus the man that Tom Hanks loved and adored so much.

Now, let’s put them up against the Phils staff:

·         Doc Halladay, you know Mr. Invincible? He doesn’t look so invincible with a 2.35 ERA now does he?

·         Cliff Lee, Mr. Cool! 3.50. Yeah, he’s soooooooo cool!

·         Cole Hamels 3.01! Whatever, go back to California.

·         Roy Oswalt 2.60! Go watch a Wilson Valdez video on how to throw a change-up.

SEQUEL TO EUGENE

Eugene slipped into my Kornhole last week and spoke about traveling. I have done many of the stadiums around baseball and I wanted to quickly rank the stadiums.

5 BEST

1. Wrigley Field – There’s no better party, and the fans are great. I only sit in the outfield and I have a blast with the Chicago fans. I’ve been there four times now and will add a fifth at some point.
2. Fenway Park – Okay, I know I’m doing the obvious. But, as a baseball purist, you have to rank Wrigley and Fenway as the Top 2… and I do! The fans in Boston know their baseball and love the game. You can’t say that about many places anymore.
3. Petco – Home of the Padres. Great Stadium. Fair weather fans. I didn’t get to see them play the Phils there, but I saw a Cards-Padres game and the Cards fans over-ran the joint. It was still a really nice stadium though.
4. Chase Field Ballpark – Home of the D-Backs. They have a pool. Nuff said.
5. Dodger Stadium – Great views and fake fans. Who can ask for anything more? I lived out there for nine months and learned to love the stadium because that’s all the baseball I had.

5 DUMPS

1. Shea Stadium – For one, look who plays there. Secondly, look who goes to most of the games. The Mets and their fans are one, giant dump of Turds. Though this stadium no longer exists, it still ranks #1.
2. Jacob Field – Most overrated stadium in baseball! Not only is the city a dump times ten, but this stadium was awful! I went to an Indians-Royals game. I didn’t last two batters.
3. Nationals Park – I went to this dump for Oswalt’s first start as a Phillie. The sightlines were okay and I liked the bar in the outfield, but the experience was depressing and rude.
4. Old Yankee Stadium – DUMP! I don’t care about the tradition. The place was a dump with expensive beer and food. The only reason this place wasn’t second, was the historical significance the place had. I’m sure it would be in the Best Top 5 if I wrote this piece in 1975. In 2009, it was on its last legs and not an enjoyable experience.
5. Camden Yards – Another overrated stadium. It was okay when it came out, but nothing to shoot a load over.

I didn’t include the ‘Bank’ because we all know it’s the best stadium in baseball as of this writing. It really is! And that’s not me being a kiss-ass homer. It’s also the best stadium because that chick that used to write for her blog goes there and shows off her sexy legs. What was her name again? Kimberlee? WHO CARES!

I STILL HATE BAEZ

That 19 inning game was a long freaking game. The team wouldn’t have won if it weren’t for Baez, but he is the replacement to Adam EATING. Even EATING had a good game here or there. Baez is a bigger thief than Bernie Madoff, so why the hell is he on the Phillies and not stealing from that moron Fred Wilpon? Okay, so the there went 5.1 innings of scoreless baseball. That’s the most consecutive innings of scoreless baseball he’s thrown since he snapped those photos of Ruben banging his mistress.

JAYSON WERTHLESS?

Looks like things aren’t so rosy, are they jackass? Werth came out and used sub-text to diss his manager last week. I guess it’s the manager’s fault that the team won one game on a nine game road trip. It has nothing to do with their 7-year, 126-million-dollar “superstar” hitting only .245 with 8 Homers and 18 RBI’s.

I’m not a Werth hater. I actually think it could have been the right move for the Nats ala Phils getting Thome. But Werth isn’t Thome. Werth seems to be a jerk-off who bangs other players’ wives. I know Jen Utley is avid about PETA and all, but did she really have to give her pussy to that werthless jerk-off?

THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES FUTURE

Speaking of the Nats, the Phils opened with them today. I expect a 4-2 week. They will take 2 of 3 from both the Nats and the improving Pirates.

I wish I had more time to give you more this week, but I am very busy working on another project. So, I will try and make it up to you all next. Feel free to e-mail me at kornhole@philliesbunts.com!