Kornhole Alley: Mr. Met Edition

Thanks for coming into my Kornhole. I want to thank Eugene for filling in last week and doing yet another exceptional job. Let’s get to bidness.

DOC HALLADAY IS A PUSSY

Yup. This so called machine couldn’t handle the heat. He’s soft. He asked Uncle Cholly to take him out of the game. Who the hell does he think he is?  Where’s his heart!? I don’t give a rat’s ass if he threw not one but two no-hitters last year, one being a playoff game, the other a perfect game.

The fact of the matter is this; he took himself out of a game, a game the team would eventually lose. Grow a set of balls and get back to me Doc when you’re a man again.

Obviously I don’t mean any of that. Doc is a beast, a machine if you will. But, if that was the Surfer “Cole Hamels” then this would be the conversation. This town hates Kid Cole more than Ryan Howard and Ryno is black. That’s really telling you something when racist white people hate a surfer more than a brotha!

GUEST BLOG SPOT WITH MR. MET

Hello everyone. I am Mr. Met! I was supposed to write in this spot last week but that dang Kornhole had to take a week off. Whenever the Philthies play the mighty Mets I will fill in and give my two cents, which is all the Wilpons have left in the bank account. (Cue the snare drum).

The Amazin’s are gonna make the playoffs. We are a team with a lot of heart. The Philthies on the other hand, they choke. Never has a Mets team choked like the Phillies did in 1964. How pathetic was that?

The Phillies most beloved team the 1993 version was loaded with some drug addicts… errr… steroid users like Pete Inkivikilgiaialsisia, Danny Jagsin, and let’s not forget the Phillies organization brainwashed our beloved Lenny into steroids also.

Compare that to our 86 World Champions! We had the best Pitcher in baseball and not once would Dwight Gooden ever consider doing a drug, and let us not forget about the one and only Darryl Strawberry another fine young man who knew to just say no.

The Phillies may have won the series last week, but remember this. A war is won over time not over one stupid series. In the end the Mets will knock off those choke artists Philthies and be on their way to yet another World Series.

TRADE DEADLINE

Thanks Mr. Met for that insightful analysis!

The trading deadline is upon us and though this team has the best record in baseball the fan base is screaming for the magician (Ruben) to pull another rabbit out of his ass hat. We went from the days of the great helicopter pilot Corey Lidle coming to us at the deadline to Cliff Lee and Roy Oswalt.

So, the question is this!? Hunter Pence or Carlos Beltran!? If you ask me, I want nothing to do with Beltran. He is a scumbag Met and should continue pitching into Jose Reyes taint err tent.

Hunter Pence is not only THE guy to go and get but knowing that Ed Wade wants another ring I’m sure he will make this happen.

Here’s what I think it will take to get it done, and it’s not like its rocket science because it’s been rumored everywhere. The Phils will have to move either Worley or Dom Brown for Pence.

I know the fan base is up in arms because Brown hasn’t become the second coming of Willie Mays yet, if anything he’s been Willie Mays Hayes, but why would you give up on one of baseball best young prospects.

Vance Worley has been a guy I compared to Garrett Stephenson and J.A. Happ and I’m eating crow right now cause that dude has been down right nasty. I’m not saying Worley will be a stud for years to come but he is cheap and can be a serviceable #4 starter behind Doc, Bleepin, and Surfer for the next three years.

If I was the Rube, I’d offer Uncle Eddie, first base prospect Jonathan Singleton and one of the stud A-Ball pitching prospects. If he wants someone closer to major league ready then throw in Mayberry or Kyle the K or both.

It can happen and I think it will happen. I guess we’ll find out next Monday now won’t we.

THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES HISTORY

The Giants and Pirates UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! These two teams have our number and here’s hoping the team comes out and kicks some ass this week to avenge last season’s NLCS and the Pirates dominating ways period!

I think the Phils take 2 of 3 from Giants then lose 2 of 3 against the Fuckos.

Thanks for coming in my Kornhole this week. Stop back next week for more of this crap!

Who wants to pop my E-mail’s cherry? Kornhole@philliesbunts.com

Kornhole's Alley: the Great Gazoo Edition

Happy Memorial Day everyone! Especially to our troops kicking ass overseas, so I can have the freedom to allow you people to enter my Kornhole!

DAVID WRIGHT SITS DOWN IN THE KORNHOLE

The Mets record as of this writing is 23-28. The only reason they’re not in last place is because the Nationals are in the same division. I wanted to get to the bottom of why the Mets suck so bad, so I sat down with Mets 3^rd Baseman David Wright to discuss why this team blows and the new owner.

KH – Hi David. Welcome to my Kornhole!

DW – Thanks Jim. I’m happy to be here. I love Kornholes.

KH – Let’s get right to it. Why do you blow this year?

DW – It’s not just this year. I’ve always blown. When we win. I blow. Reyes can tell you that I can suck with the best of them.

KH – Thoughts on Johan?

DW – I love the way he grips balls. You know he’s got a nasty spitter.

KH – Due tell!

DW – Let’s just say he’s an amazing pitcher and I’m quite the lucky catcher. Lucky for him I try not to eat taco bell. What amazes me is how his hands can grip my wood during our pitching and catching sessions. However, nothing ever comes of it.

KH – Tell me a little about Carlos Beltran?

DW – After each game, we go back to the locker room and play dollar dog night. It’s a lot of fun. Carlos places his wiener in-between my buns and it forces the ketchup to come out it. Sometimes it’s brown, mostly red. Depends on how much he’s into it that night.

KH – Interesting! Tell me about your new minority owner.

DW – I hate black people. Please don’t tell me we have a minority owner.

KH – Not all minorities are black you know.

DW – I hate Asians, too. I only like dark, South American men.

KH – Thank you for your time, David.

DW - Kornhole, before you go. Can you do me one favor?

KH – I’m not doing any favors for you. You’re weird.

DW – Please ask Ruben to trade for me? I really want to be a Phillie! They have some sexy guys over there, like Jose Contreas.

GREAT PITCHING

The pitching has been almost as good as I predicted. If you read past blogs, I ridiculed all you people for thinking that any of the so-called Big 4 or Fat Joe would be the best pitcher. I said from the beginning that the best pitcher on this team is Wilson Valdez. I told you people that he was so freaking good they named a bunch of the freaking gloves after him.

As of this writing, there are only two pitchers on this roster who have a 0.00 ERA! Yup, Valdez and Jose Contreas. Contreas is dear to us all since he used to play wiffle ball in the backyard with Jesus. How many of you can say that?

Mathension also has a 0.00 ERA but we all know that’s a sham. His WHIP is 2.33 and hitters are hitting .417 versus the stiff.

Valdez and Jose on the other hand have been magnificent. Hitters are batting only .121 against Contreas while Valdez has been even more amazing!  It’s a 0.00 batting average versus the man that Tom Hanks loved and adored so much.

Now, let’s put them up against the Phils staff:

·         Doc Halladay, you know Mr. Invincible? He doesn’t look so invincible with a 2.35 ERA now does he?

·         Cliff Lee, Mr. Cool! 3.50. Yeah, he’s soooooooo cool!

·         Cole Hamels 3.01! Whatever, go back to California.

·         Roy Oswalt 2.60! Go watch a Wilson Valdez video on how to throw a change-up.

SEQUEL TO EUGENE

Eugene slipped into my Kornhole last week and spoke about traveling. I have done many of the stadiums around baseball and I wanted to quickly rank the stadiums.

5 BEST

1. Wrigley Field – There’s no better party, and the fans are great. I only sit in the outfield and I have a blast with the Chicago fans. I’ve been there four times now and will add a fifth at some point.
2. Fenway Park – Okay, I know I’m doing the obvious. But, as a baseball purist, you have to rank Wrigley and Fenway as the Top 2… and I do! The fans in Boston know their baseball and love the game. You can’t say that about many places anymore.
3. Petco – Home of the Padres. Great Stadium. Fair weather fans. I didn’t get to see them play the Phils there, but I saw a Cards-Padres game and the Cards fans over-ran the joint. It was still a really nice stadium though.
4. Chase Field Ballpark – Home of the D-Backs. They have a pool. Nuff said.
5. Dodger Stadium – Great views and fake fans. Who can ask for anything more? I lived out there for nine months and learned to love the stadium because that’s all the baseball I had.

5 DUMPS

1. Shea Stadium – For one, look who plays there. Secondly, look who goes to most of the games. The Mets and their fans are one, giant dump of Turds. Though this stadium no longer exists, it still ranks #1.
2. Jacob Field – Most overrated stadium in baseball! Not only is the city a dump times ten, but this stadium was awful! I went to an Indians-Royals game. I didn’t last two batters.
3. Nationals Park – I went to this dump for Oswalt’s first start as a Phillie. The sightlines were okay and I liked the bar in the outfield, but the experience was depressing and rude.
4. Old Yankee Stadium – DUMP! I don’t care about the tradition. The place was a dump with expensive beer and food. The only reason this place wasn’t second, was the historical significance the place had. I’m sure it would be in the Best Top 5 if I wrote this piece in 1975. In 2009, it was on its last legs and not an enjoyable experience.
5. Camden Yards – Another overrated stadium. It was okay when it came out, but nothing to shoot a load over.

I didn’t include the ‘Bank’ because we all know it’s the best stadium in baseball as of this writing. It really is! And that’s not me being a kiss-ass homer. It’s also the best stadium because that chick that used to write for her blog goes there and shows off her sexy legs. What was her name again? Kimberlee? WHO CARES!

I STILL HATE BAEZ

That 19 inning game was a long freaking game. The team wouldn’t have won if it weren’t for Baez, but he is the replacement to Adam EATING. Even EATING had a good game here or there. Baez is a bigger thief than Bernie Madoff, so why the hell is he on the Phillies and not stealing from that moron Fred Wilpon? Okay, so the there went 5.1 innings of scoreless baseball. That’s the most consecutive innings of scoreless baseball he’s thrown since he snapped those photos of Ruben banging his mistress.

JAYSON WERTHLESS?

Looks like things aren’t so rosy, are they jackass? Werth came out and used sub-text to diss his manager last week. I guess it’s the manager’s fault that the team won one game on a nine game road trip. It has nothing to do with their 7-year, 126-million-dollar “superstar” hitting only .245 with 8 Homers and 18 RBI’s.

I’m not a Werth hater. I actually think it could have been the right move for the Nats ala Phils getting Thome. But Werth isn’t Thome. Werth seems to be a jerk-off who bangs other players’ wives. I know Jen Utley is avid about PETA and all, but did she really have to give her pussy to that werthless jerk-off?

THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES FUTURE

Speaking of the Nats, the Phils opened with them today. I expect a 4-2 week. They will take 2 of 3 from both the Nats and the improving Pirates.

I wish I had more time to give you more this week, but I am very busy working on another project. So, I will try and make it up to you all next. Feel free to e-mail me at kornhole@philliesbunts.com!

Kornhole's Alleys: I heart NY Edition

Welcome to Kornhole’s Alley. In case you didn’t know The Mets are coming! The Mets are coming! Some of you new to the Phillies experience might not believe this but there once was a time when the Phillies were the Washington Nationals.

Head down to a game at the Vet and there’d be plenty of room to relax. The place was empty.

Well, most of the time! The place would fill itself out when the big bad bully from the North would come in with their obnoxious jerkoff fans.

It didn’t help that the Phillies owners would buy advertising in New York newspapers and radio stations. But, the ownership had to make a buck so they did what any smart business owner would do.

The Nationals are now the Phillies of the Vet era. They suck, the stadium is always empty and they only sell tickets when the big bad bully from the North comes in. Yes, for once the Phils are the bully. Not only to the Nats, but the Mets too. But I’ll make fun of the Nats next week.

This Phillies team is now the Mets and as stated above the Nats are the Phils of the late 90s, and 00’s. It’s the only time I will ever compare us to that sad franchise. The Mets suck and will continue to suck for the foreseeable future. It couldn’t happen to a better fanbase.

Fred Wilpon is a moron. He was one of the many folk ripped off by Bernie Madoff. I am a huge Madoff fan because of that. The Mets are dumping salary at an incredible pace. If I were the mayor of Philadelphia, I would give M(G)adoff  a key to the city.

Phillies Bunts do not endorse the Braves, but love this kid's passion for hating the Mets



I hate the Mets! I hate them more than al queda.  I hate them more than that hot female prostitute I met on South Street. She had a hot adams apple that I stroked but she wouldn’t let me go down her dress. Anyway… that’s a story for another time.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing that jerkoff Jose Reyes talk trash and then back it up with a 90 loss season. I couldn’t have been happier when I read their jerkoff closer had beaten his father in law. I couldn’t have been happier knowing that Carlos Beltran was a bust and his partner in crime in the outfield Jason B(G)ay is aiming to one-up him.

I love turning on the TV to a Mets home game and seeing an empty stadium. I pop a three inch erection hearing players say they want to play in Philadelphia. The Mets suck. They will end the season in last place. They will fire their manager and I hope that stupid Mr. Met gets Donkey Punched by the Phillie Phanatic.

Actually, I would like to see the San Diego Chicken and the Phanatic take Mr. Met into the bullpen and bloody him.

I won’t predict the Phils will sweep the Mets this week. I will predict that the Mets will end the season in last place. So, when you see those jerkoff Mets fans down here this week make sure you let them know that they suck, their owner is as a sharp as a bowling ball and their team is irrelevant and their mascot is gonna get his ass whipped by a chicken and a green bird like creature. The Mets suck, the Phils are the team to beat and life couldn’t be better.

Feel free to email me at kornhole@philliesbunts.com