Chances Are

Hoodwink’d             by cj hood

Chances Are…

THE PHILS WILL MAKE THE WC BEFORE LLOYD GETS SUM!

BREAKING NEWS:  The Phils are winning!  BREAKINGER NEWS:  They’re on the cusp of being a 500 team.  BREAKINGEST NEWS:  They’re creeping up on that 2^nd Wild Card spot.  But can they do it?

I think they can as long as the other teams in the hunt cooperate.  We always knew the Phillies were a second half club, but the hole created early on was a deep one.  However, thanks to unsung & unpaid heroes like Kratz & Frandsen the 5X NL East Champs are back to their winning ways.  Props also must be given to John ‘Don’t Call Him JMJ’ Mayberry Jr, Ty Wigginton & the bullpen et al.  Hell, even Martinez is hitting half of some of the games he plays in! The overpaid fat cats are contributing as well, but it’s the young blood that is keeping us alive.  As an extra bonus, Chooch is back off the DL which is a sweet bat to have off the bench. 

JUST LIKE THE PRODIGAL SON I RETURN!

And what about Kyle Kendrick bka the Prodigal Son?  He might be the winner of the 2nd half MVP Award if there was such an award.  My man KK is a trooper that puts up with a lot of bulldish from this team.  But he’s hotter than any other pitcher on the team right now and maybe the NL.  He’s a great asset to this team and should be named 2013’s 5th starter today!

We still need to pursue a bat…preferably one that plays 3rd base.  Having Chase play 3rd is a stupid idea.  A better idea would be having him share time at 2nd with Galvis to preserve his knees.  Two weeks ago, I heard the rumor that Pierre was traded to the Cards and immediately put it up on the ‘Bunts FB page like a fool.  But I’ll gladly accept the embarrassment if it means we get to keep him & his speed.

I thought the 2012 Phillies were dead & buried, but then they started winning and I thought they might have a shot.  Then after Chipper Jones hit that walk off I thought the wind was taken out of their sails when they only came back to win the Reds series and sweep the Rockies.  I love this team in the Fall and I love this team’s chances to make that 2nd WC spot, but we’re going to need some help from the other NL teams. Hey look we’re winning games…let’s get ‘bunted!

***Editors note***** This post was original written on 9/11/12 but the Bunts mainframe shit the bed. Add the fact that CJ can't figure out how to add a picture and there you get a Buntless week. My bad. We will now resume our regular irregular posting ways. Thanks, MTG*********

A Little Squirrelly

For the most part, conspiracy theories are a bunch of bullshit. Propaganda, not based in reality, used to sway you to believe something that the mere facts themselves won’t let any rational person believe.  The moon landing was a hoax. Oswalt (Lee Harvey not Lil Roy) didn’t act alone. Gas prices go down in an election year so you think the president is doing a good job…..oh wait that one is legit. I’m not one to talk conspiracy theories, but sometimes you just can’t ignore that there is too many coincidences to not have some basis in reality.

I’m not talking about the fact Pujols is complaining about the start time of the game and the resulting shadows. You fucking crybaby. If I’m not mistaken, both teams used the same mound and batter boxes and had the same benefits and disadvantaged the shadows caused. I’m not talking about the obvious change in the strike zone during game 2.  I’m talking about the 6 inch 6 pound rodent terror unleashed on the Phillies/Cardinals game last night.

For the following reasons, I believe the squirrel was a trained and was on the field with a purpose.

First, the squirrel was not afraid of humans. Most times you see a squirrel, it simple runs up the tree to get away. This squirrel was in a stadium with a crowd of 50,000. Not natural.

Second, the Phillies were in the field and weren’t the least bit affected nor apprehensive. While I can understand grown men aren’t afraid of squirrels, I would have been a tad leery to chase down a ball down the line while the squirrel was just chillin under the wall padding.

Lastly, if a squirrel can learn to water ski, they can be taught to out-think Tony LaRussa.

Now what was the Phillies use for the squirrel? These are pure conjecture but I expect the truth to come out sometime between now and after the last current Phillie retires.

#9. Just a Phillies fan, who could afford tickets from stub hub so he hitched a ride to St Louis but couldn’t figure out the seating chart.

#8. He was the combo meal #4 in Big Mac Land which would explain the fans trying to grab him. If you catch your dinner, it’s free.

#7. He actually worked for TBS and was sent out so the announcers had something to talk about besides how great J’aime Garcia is.

#6. He has no real job or use. He’s just a pet that Stutes carries around in the Dora backpack. This would also explain the bullpen’s affinity for Pistachio Girl. She’s the squirrel’s main source of nutrition

#5. He works for the Cardinals. He plucks LaRussa’s eyebrows. He saw a stray.

Squirrel "I told you there be hell to pay if you squirmed"

#4. He was a messenger sent by the landscaping company. Albert was late for his second job.

#3.  He’s a trained pickpocket sent by the Cards to swipe Worley’s sweet-ass specs.

#2. He’s been trained by Mick Bilmeyer to steal signs. The shadows were making it hard for him to do his job and got over eager and tried to find a more suitable spying location.

#1. Just a distraction to get J’aime Garcia off his game. I think you, me and Ben Franciso would agree it worked.

Anyway, the good news is I’ve stopped sweating and my heart rate has returned to normal. The better news is Oswalt’s on the hill and the Phillies are closing it out TONIGHT!

See ya at the ball park!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

The Phillies are Class, New York is Ass

WOW! That's all you can say. Who new a month ago the last game of the season would have so much drama. The Phillies had it wrapped up for awhile but as a baseball fan how could the regular season end on a higher note? The Rays win in extras after being down 7-0 in the 8th inning. Joe Girardi should be ashamed of himself. The Yankees had a 1 run lead in the 9th, he has the greatest closer in the history of the game and he doesn't use him. Hopefully the baseball Gods pay back that smug ass clown in the playoffs. Sweet justice would be a Rays victory over the Yankees in the ALCS. By the time the game was over there wasn't a Yankees player on the field with a number under 50. Scrubs galore. Pena, Golson, Dickerson, Romine? Can anyone pick these stiffs out of a lineup? I know Greg Golson used to play for the Phils, but it seemed like Girardi was trying to stick it to the Red Sox. Bush league stuff with both New York teams today, the Yanks half ass it and Jose Reyes gets a bunt single then comes out of the game to win a batting title. Can we get an asterisk next to Reyes name?

The Fightin' Phils win 102! New franchise record, that and they eliminated the Braves from the post season. Epic collapse. 8 1/2 game lead on September 1st. A Tomahawk Choke if there ever was one. Congratulations to Charlie Manuel, he passes the Gene Mauch, speaking of choking, as the all time winningest manager in Phillies history. Great job during this amazing run Charlie. Nice job keeping your integrity by playing to win, you could have laid down like the Yankees.

Did anyone else notice the Phillies/Braves game was 2 innings ahead of the Yankees/Rays game? The American league blows; let's hope the Phillies kick some American League ass in a few weeks. Speaking of blowing, what happened to the Red Sox? They couldn't beat the Orioles in a 3 game series? Another epic collapse. Glad to see it, the Sox fans may be the biggest douche bag fans on the planet. When they come to Citizens Bank Park they walk around with their heads up their ass. Screw you Red Sox nation, you make Mets fans look classy. Is it me or does Jonathon Papelbon look like he's blowing kisses to the batter before each pitch? He should have a fun off season after blowing that game. Boston may have a new 'Buckner'.

It's about to get a whole lot funner.

Keep It Classy Philly!

DB29

You are my density!

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood

You are my density!

THE BULLPEN FELL APART?

I went to the night game last night.  Weak offensive affair, as per usual when we face a sh*tty team, but Lee was definitely on-point.  Howard had a walk off in the 10th and fun was had by all.  I’d share my pics with you, but all I have are 20 close-ups of Pence’s ass via my wife.  Regardless, this Hoodwink’d focuses on what the Phils must do in order to fulfill their density (said in a George McFly lisp).

-Chooch needs to keep on keepin….his bat always gets hot in the playoffs.

-Howard doesn’t need to hit homeruns or even focus on RBI’s…he just needs to make contact.

-Utley needs to ‘not take one for the team and remain healthy.’

-J*Roll needs to stay healthy and avoid swinging at the 1st pitch.

-Polanco…stay healthy and get the bat back you had in the beginning of the season.

-Pence…..keep on truckin….alls good yo!

-Big Daddy Shane needs to get out of his current slump….which I know he will.

-Raaaaaaaauuuuuuuul! Your hot & cold, but it’s ok just to be warm.

-Mayberry needs to be used as often as possible.

-I wouldn’t use Gload as a PH unless I’ve exhausted all of my other options.

-Francisco and Bowker need to stay loose.

-Juan Samuel needs to learn who has wheels and who doesn’t.

-Speaking of Wheels…he needs to go see Morrie Kessler and get an adjustment.

-T*Mac needs a crowbar to get himself out of Sarge’s ass!

-Sarge needs a 2011 Phillies World Series Champs Kangol!

I’M GONNA CHOKE SOMEONE OUT WITH A PHONE CORD IF THE PHILS DON’T STAY HEALTHY!

-Halladay, Lee & Hamels….you got this!!!

-Worley needs to be the 4th starter…let Oswalt handle the stress of being in the bullpen.

-Kendrick needs the State Farms Award for always being there when needed.  He’s going to play a major role coming out of the pen.

-Bastardo needs a good pep talk….like Naughty By Nature sez….”Everything’s Gonna Be Alright”

-You can give Stutes a pep talk as well, but I don’t know how much it will help.

-If Blanton gets an open check from Campos…he as well will be a nice weapon to have in the pen!

-Madson knows what’s up!

-Lidge needs to be given an early off season.

-Overall the offense can’t let the Aces down!

-the Phils need to face the Brewers…that team’s in more disarray than the Kardashians!

-so…..Prince Fielder needs to keep running his mouth and Tony Plush needs to keep looking stupid!

-and cj hood needs to get some sleep….let’s get ’bunted!!!