Meet & Greet during Defeats

It's finally here, Meet & Greet V: The Return of the Wriz. The annual event that Phillies fans long for. It used to be up there with Opening Day. Now? Not so much. It was a star studded event, The Netfather, CJ Hood, Diamond Girl and Jay Wrizight. Right up there and surpassing Wing Bowl as the premier event of the year. Bands like AC/DC and the Foo Fighters taking the stage in front of a raucous crowd. Today someone may have a radio on in their car. Oh how the mighty have fallen. Our organizer, Robin, ran a wild event with a megaphone and a bull whip. Gourmet food, craft beers flowing, and world class entertainment. Throngs inside the K Lot and scores more trying to get in. This morning she will say, "Park over there, I think I have a bag of Doritos in my trunk".

And the stars have fallen on tough times. At one event in years past, The Netfather parachuted in and was swarmed by a bunch of dancers from Cheerleaders. I heard he can't make it this year, he's in the middle of his 7th divorce and he can't leave the state of Arizona. Judge's orders. CJ Hood was appearing on The Late Show with David Letterman. He was a headliner in the same breath as Chris Rock and Dane Cook. I hear he is hosting the Open Mic Nite at the Chuckles in Scranton. He's there the second Tuesday of the month from 6 to 10. His career has taken the same trajectory as Louis CK's tv show. What happened there? That brings us to Diamond Girl. She was dating 'The Man' Chase Utley. She was competing with Kendra Wilkerson and Heather Mitts for the title of  'It' girl of the city. Well...3 restraining orders later, she can't come within 1,000 feet of Citizens Bank Park. Against the advice of counsel she may appear at this year's event. We will see. Last but not least, our fearless leader, Jay Wrizight. Who am I kidding, he's like Bernie Parent in this town. He can't go anywhere without a fan asking how the lil' Wrizlets are doing? 

Like the Phillies, the Meet & Greet may have seen better days. We can look on the bright side, the Phillies found a stud in Maikel Franco, maybe Phillies Bunts have a star in Erik Whitacre. I can't believe The Wriz is making him watch every Phillies game, talk about hazing the new guy!

Keep It Classy Philly!

DB29

MG4 Wrap-Up & the like

Hoodwink’d               by cj hood

MG4 Wrap-Up & the like

 

 

 

3 BAD BROTHERS YOU KNOW SO WELL

 

Another successful Phillies Bunts outing has passed and with World Cup type attendance it did not disappoint.  Meet & Greet IV: The Search for Diamond Girl definitely lived up to its hype because she was nowhere to be found.  Irregardless (not a real world) of an anemic ball club , surprise graduation parties & lack of Timmy ‘the leg’ cuisine: DB29, Wriz & myself entertained legions of ‘Buntamaniacs with cold beer& quick wit.  Like Adrock crooned in Professor Booty, ‘I’d like to thank the people for just showing up.’  So with that I’d like to give a shout out to our old friends as well as our new compadres.  Until we meet again at MGV….stay cool.

 

 

 

THE MAESTRO

 

Now to the Phillies…

 

Dear Phillies:  It’s tough to write weekly blogs, generate hype on our FB page and attract new ‘Buntamaniacs when all you do is suck!!!  So start hitting the ball and win some games.

Sincerely,

cj

 

I’m going to make this short & sweet cuz it’s been beat like a comatose Mr. Ed.  THE PHILLIES CAN’T HIT!!!  That’s the main issue.  If 5 out of the nine could put the ball in play then they could easily overcome weak pitching and a sketchy bullpen. Everyone says Ruben needs to go (agreed) and we should sell.  Sell what?  We only have 2 guys who could hit: Utley & Byrd; no one wants Howard’s contract and we only have 2 pitchers and one of them is hurt.  So, sell Pap (DeFratus can close); Burnett, J*Roll (if he agrees) and Chooch (if anyone wants him), but only if you’re getting some offense in return.  If you’re not getting bats in return then you might as well keep the team you have.  Getting rid of Victorino, Pence, & Blanton hasn’t helped us put runs on the board.  So don’t sell just to sell…it’s stupid.  Moreover, I often wonder if we should have just paid Victorino & Werth and called it a day.  Although Vic has been hurt they’re a much better option than Brown, Revere, Mayberry et al. 

 

On a lighter note, Mike Schmidt got to meet me last weekend….lets get ‘bunted!!!

 

 

A MAN WHO’S SYNONMOUS WITH THE PHILLIES &  MIKE SCHMIDT

 

 

MG4

Hoodwink'd  by cj hood
MG4

Top 10 Reasons to go to Meet & Greet IV: The Search for DiamondGirl

10. Phils swept the Braves in Atlanta last week. So the chances of them probably winning are pretty good.
9. Asche's back!
8. Games for the kids including 'Pin the beard on the Wriz'
7. Oily Sausage
6.  Dom 'former All Star' Brown jersey giveaway.
5. Live entertainment from DB29 (His impression of a Bunts blogger is spot on).
4. CB Park anticipates at least 2500 fans on Sunday so there'll be plenty of leg room.
3. The first 100 Buntamaniacs to show up to the K lot @ the Linc get a free 8x10 glossy of CJ Hood.
2. Timmy 'the leg's' cooking!
1. Robin won't be there!!!

See you kids on Sunday...let's get 'bunted!

MG3 Recap

Hoodwink’d        by cj hood
MG3 Recap

PHILLIES BUNTS BOARD OF TRUSTEES

Once again another Meet & Greet hosted by Phillies Bunts Inc. has come and gone.  And as promised it was bigger & better than ever.  It was nice to see some old faces as well as meet new acquaintances.  Meeting Netfather Bill was cool and seeing the extra Bunts shirts Wriz brought ‘fly off the shelves’ was overwhelming (we are printing more peeps)!  Of course, many road sodas were consumed which is always good and the Phils did come thru with the ‘W.’

However, this blessed event wasn’t all ‘hugs & kisses’ bro.  I should have known something was amiss when the first thing Wriz said to me was ‘hey did you lose weight.’  Then he proceeded to tell me in his best Chris Tucker voice ‘I’m gonna get you high today.’  I got 3 kids bro…I don’t put that stuff in my temple of a body.  Little did I know that he wasn’t trying to get me stoned, but elevate me into the Thermosphere (Google it!).  Watching a game at 50,000 feet is no easy task ie nosebleeds, ducking for air planes and getting kites stuck in your cheesesteaks are only some of the issues me and my NEPA Posse had to endure.  Now, when I was a young lad, my mom used to tell me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say then blog about it.  So, since I am a ‘momma’s boy’ I’m going to do just that:

10 Worst things about Meet & Greet III

10.  My boy Nick rolling in with a cooler full of adult beverages and no opener.  Good thing Timmy ‘I’m gonna pop some caps’ G. came thru.
9.  My boy Aaron insisting we didn’t need a GPS on our way down and getting lost 3 times.  Mapquest is the MySpace of navigation kid.
8.  Not enough ‘Bunts shirts to go around.  More people need to get ‘Bunted on a regular.
7.  The makeshift DJ giving us a choice between Billy Joel or Jimmy Buffet.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m Billy Joel down…he’s an honorary Beastie Boy for God’s sake.  But it’s tough getting your ‘game face’ on to Uptown Girl.  How ‘bout some Wu Tang son?
6.  The female photog who took pix of me either with my head cut off or stuffing my face with a fat Pat’s.  Nobody wants to see that!
5.  Sexpanther’s Wilt’s ‘Something or other Lehigh’ Beer.  It tasted like pickle juice bro.  High School kids wouldn’t drink that swill.
4.  I offered everyone in ear shot some of my suds, but no one returned the favor with a burger or even a hoddog.  If my weight falls under 250 ish could get hectic real quick.  Good thing I was packin some beef jerky.
3.  Wriz’ beard.  Have you seen this thing?  Squirrels wouldn’t nest in that entanglement.
2.  Sitting 4 rows from the top of CB Park while Wriz (and a gang of pigeons eating popcorn out of his beard sat at sea level).  I’m a former BOTY…how quickly we forget!

THE WRIZ WITHOUT HIS BEARD!

1.  DB29 prancing around in his ‘Bunts shirt when he hasn’t written a blog in over a year.  The only thing worse than that was another absence by DiamondGirl.  Netfather Bill could fly half way across the country, but she can’t drive across state?  Really?

At least there wasn’t any oily sausage this year…let’s get ‘bunted!

MG3

Hoodwink’d        by cj hood
MG3

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Elvis’ birthday…what do these days have in common?  They all are revered days of reflection deeply sewn into the fabric which is Americana.  Three years ago we added a 4th date to this honor roll.  This Sunday the Phillies Bunts community will gather to reflect on our publication’s successes in an event aptly titled Meet & Greet III:  Netfather Bill’s Revenge.  Parking lot K has become the Mecca for all things Phillies Bunts. There we will partake in oily sausage & brand-x beer frolicking with friends both old and new.  Nor sweltering heat, overpriced parking or the absence of Kurt Wilson will keep the Buntamaniacs away from this most gala of events.  And when it’s all said and done we hope that no one dies of heat exhaustion, high cholesterol and oh yeah, the Phils beat the Brewers.

MEET & GREET III GRAND MARSHALS

Topics that might be discussed on Sunday might include the recent article reporting the disdain big Cholly has for Martinez & Young.  Our skipper feels that RAJ’s moves are weaker than DB29’s knee spin.  This is interesting cuz you know that Martinez will eventually be sent back to Lehigh, but Delmon isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.  So is this article legit?  I question the article’s validity because the day it dropped Young started and batted clean-up to boot.  Why would Cholly want to cause any problems in the clubhouse?  And while we’re on the subject of the 4-hole, when is ‘NL Player of the Week’ Dominic Brown going to get his just due?  Move Howard to the 5th spot and let him strike out there.  I know D*Brown’s was going to do well as soon as I dropped him from my fantasy team…it was inevitable yo!

I’ll admit that I rarely pay attention to any games outside of the NL East.  It wasn’t until I saw a tweet by Charlie Hustle himself Pete Rose that I realized how weak this division really is.

 

GET PETEY BOY OFF OF TWITTER AND INTO THE HALL OF FAME!

While we like to focus on the negative (lack of O, bullpen issues, injuries) the truth is we’re still in this.  However, sooner rather than later a team (most likely the Braves) is going to take off.  Splitting with the BoSox is ok, but we need to start winning series and copping sweeps before it’s too late.  Moreover, it’s time for our veterans to start producing the same the newbies are.  See you on Sunday…let’s get ‘bunted!

Meet & Greet II: da review

Hoodwink’d cj hood

Meet & Greet II: da review

FIGHTING FOR THEIR RIGHT TO PARTY!

I’m not going to lie, last year’s Meet & Greet was similar to a Train Wrek meeting…a bunch of guys sitting around, staring at each other with one hand down their pants (same pair of pants). Needless to say I was apprehensive about attending this year’s gala event. But I’m a team player (unlike 90% of the ‘Bunts staff) so I gave it another shot.

3 THE HARD WAY

M&GII was held in the Linc parking lot so adult libations could be consumed and boy were they ever! Camp Hood rolled in about 11am with a cooler full of road sodas & an open mind. When I rolled out of my boy’s minivan riddled with Anti-Obama bumper stickers (FML) I was greeted by the ‘Grand Puba of tailgating’ the Wriz. Then I gave my boy DB29 a pound. Wriz & DB29 hanging out with each other? Damn skippy bro! They’re back together like Brandon Walsh & Dylan McKay on some Peach Pit noise! Soon I was introduced to Facebook phenom Robin who couldn’t be any nicer. I was also introduced to her partner in obsessive posting, Kurt Wilson, who held court like Fonzie at Arnold’s Drive-In. So it was all good with the Hood, until it was time to nosh...

I’D SOONER WALK NEXT YEAR THAN RIDE THE LIMBAUGHMOBILE.

Instead of a grill someone brought a jar full of oily bologna. It was something straight out of Toxic Avenger II. If anyone knows H-Double they know I don’t put oily bologna in my temple. Then someone came up to me and told me how he loved reading my blog each week and how funny it was. I said thanks and he said ‘no problem Kornhole.’ Kornhole? WTF? I was ready to break north until local Philly fan, by the way of Pittston, John W showed up. When John rolled up in his jeans & flip-flops ensemble I knew ish was about to get real. So I decided to stay….and I’m glad I did.

FASHION PLATE JOHN W.

Everyone seemed to get along and have a good time. People drank, ate, laughed, took pics trying to forget about Capt. Pop Out’s (J*Roll) performance the day before. It was nice to be in the presence of people who are just as excited about the Fighting Phils as I am. Game time was near so we stumbled over to CB Park to get our seats.

SUPPORTING THE LOCAL TALENT

Kudos to the Wriz for hooking us up with some sweet lower level seats. The view was great as we watched Fat Joe pitch one of infamous Homerun Derby outings. By the 3rd inning the Phils were down by 2 runs and the natives were getting restless. The latter coupled with the mother & daughter duo behind me commenting on every player’s ass pushed my posse out of our seats and onto the concourse. We stepped to Tony Lukes and enjoyed ourselves a fresh cheese steak. At this point the sky opened up and the rains came. And it wasn’t a summer warm mist…it was a ‘Rocky 5 cold shower after fighting Drago’ rain. So we ventured over to right center near Larry ‘the Bulls’ when I saw this sign…

EVEN HECTOR LUNA COULDN’T THROW HIS BAT THIS FAR.

The sky’s finally cleared and we returned to our seats to realize the Fish had tagged on 3 more runs. By this time it was the 8th inning and we realized the Phils weren’t going to get this one. So, my crew headed out the door, to the Linc, into the ‘minivan of lies’ to head home via 476N.

 

Like Ecstasy crooned in One Love “all in all we had a ball.” It was a great time with great people. I hope that the Phillies Bunts continues to blow up as well as the multiple FB pages of those that were in attendance. I’m already looking forward to M&G III: Return of the Netfather. I only hope D*Girl, Kornhole & Eugene will show up to our 3rd installment . Time will tell…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

MRS. ZUCKERBERG

Meet, Greet, Repeat

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

Meet, Greet, Repeat

June is a busy time in Camp Hood: coaching Little League, my sons’ bday, my bday, Father’s Day and now the super sensational annual Phillies Bunts Meet & Greet event. So needless to say, it’s tough laying down the LOLz on a weekly basis. Last week I decided to take my first Personal Day from my award winning blog…f’ it, no one else is writing! But then the Wriz texted me Friday night asking where my piece was and I felt all guilty cuz I was raised by an Italian-Catholic mother and that’s how I roll! So in honor of a semi-surging Phightans team plagued by injuries and a surging Meet & Greet festival that has increased tenfold, I bring you a double dose of Hoodwink’d….enjoy!

CARLOS ‘ORLEANS’ RUIZ #STILLTHEONE

-16 wins in May!!!

-all the fanfare over Halladay & Lee when it’s homegrown Hamels that’s getting the job done.

-big ups to the 76ers…now they are some real PHIGHTANS!

-continued kudos to Chooch!

-if it’s not our bats, it’s our bullpen.

-I got my kids a puppy. #FML

-don’t trade Hamels for a bat…trade Halladay!

-the puppy puked in the car after the Phils bet the Mutts on Sunday. #truestory #doubleFML

-Lou Williams looks like Dres from the Black Sheep.

-ya ever imagine a time when Kendrick would be our 2nd best pitcher?

-Phillies are dropping like the ‘Bunts staff. #DB #Kornhole #Eugene #DGirl

-if it’s not our bullpen, it’s our pitching.

-Marlins Park is selling out about as fast as a Vanilla Ice show in North Philly.

-hot weather in Philly only means one thing: Altar Boy swim parties!!!

-Wriz vs DB29 is the undercard to the Lee/Victorino match.

-Vegas has Pierre as the next Phillie to get hurt. #placeyourbets

-if it’s not our pitching, it’s our defense.

-Jrue Holiday looks like Phife from Tribe Called Quest.

-LOL @ those who think Utley’s coming back.

-lil Roy signed with the Rangers. #theirbad

-I was going to title this ep Double Fantasy, but I don’t do nudity.

-my favorite Phils blogs (besides the Bunts) are ‘Qualls Blows’ & ‘Pence Laxa Defense’

-if it’s not our defense, it’s our injuries.

-you know things are going bad when Polanco makes an error.

-that naked guy in Florida needs to eat Jon Niese’s face. #frightnight

-Evan Turner looks like my cousin. (and he’s white so don’t give me that racial bulldish.)

-we got MG2 this weekend…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

THE PHILLIES BUNTS STAFF HARD AT WORK AT THEIR CENTER CITY HEADQUARTERS.

TOP 10 ANTICIPATED THINGS AT MEET & GREET II:

10. Wheels insisting all the females in the grill line to try his ‘hot salami.’

9. Hood arriving with a sixer and leaving with a 12 pack.

8. Prank calling Netfather Bill from the Holiday Inn payphone.

7. Robin & Kurt’s Facebook posts accompanied by Kornhole & Eugene’s rendition of Dueling

Banjos.

6. Playing Pat Burrell’s homemade ‘ring toss’ game.

5. T*Mac winning the wet tshirt contest.

4. Passing around a copy of Diamond Girl’s HS Yearbook and judging it.

3. Making fun of Is It 7:05 Yet? blogging techniques.

2. A win over the Marlins.

1. Getting put on the DL list!!!! #drunkandloaded

FML

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: F**k My Life!

Yesterday was my brother's anniversary, I was supposed to wake up in his house and walk out for coffee and tell him and his wife Happy 30th Anniversary... yet I couldn't because I'm still in AZ. I thought about it for a few minutes, along with slamming shots of rum and vodka, and realized what happened to me in the last 36 hours or so is kind of like a parallel universe to the Phillies season... we're both basically fuct.

So we start yesterday, morning was great, son in law picks me up on time, go through TSA in 2 minutes, at my gate 95 minutes before takeoff. What's wrong with this picture? Nothing in my life goes this well, I should have known. I get some pizza and a drink and sit down 30 feet from the counter for Gate C14. While eating I get a call on my cell from Southwest saying something a about a cancellation and the call drops. People are starting to congregate at the counter so I stuff the pizza in my face and run over and get in line. I'm 10th in line mind you. Then come announcements about cancelling flights, and I end up standing in line almost 90 minutes before I get to the counter. When I get there, I'm given 3 options for possible flights, which all suck dead donkeys (they couldn't guarantee I get to Philly before late Thursday night) so I demand a refund and where is my suitcase. My flight was non-refundable normally but for a cancelled flight it was possible. However, since this happens like once every millennium the counter person doesn't know how to. 2 phone calls and 25 minutes later they agree to refund me completely. By this time its 4:30 AZ time and my plane should have been over Kansas somewhere. I'm pissed as hell and take a 29.00 cab home, where I proceed to get shit faced and look for 2 hours for another flight to get home today. Result: cheapest flight is $300 more than I already laid out and was not credited back immediately, so I can't buy it. Round 1 - fuct.

Then I find out that 2 of my oldest good friends (for more than 40 years, one for 50) had planned parties and special dinners, along with my favorite cousin with whom Thursday was set aside for. So I end up screwing up all their plans but thankfully none were really pissed. This is where the parallel shit comes in... it's like losing Howard, Utley, and Doc from your planned vacation (season) and being happy about it. Round 2 - fuct.

Then I call another of my cousins to apologize, but get a ration of shit from (but in jest I found out a little later). Parallel: Cliff Lee and Victorino barking at each other in the dugout in the 5th fucking inning. Families do that, we all know this. Round 3 - fuct.

Done you say? Oh hell no. I talk to my fav cousin's daughter, whom I've known for 12 years or so now but never met. She and her husband were counting on meeting me finally, because 3 years ago something similar happened and I couldn't get up to his house and disappointed a bunch of people. She understood as did her dad (my fav cousin, Vietnam Vet, and ex teamster in NYC), but then started complaining about her kids running loose crazily around the house. Parallel: a week ago Monday, Phillies throw away at least a tie game to SD because of absolute shitty coaching and little league base running in 9th inning and lose 2-1. Round 4 - fuct.

This is depressing me, enough. Biggest parallel: I don't get to go to the Meet 'N' Greet now and meet all the Bunters I've gotten to know in the last year or two, and my time off turns to waste basically, much like this season. Maybe in a way its better I'm not there cusp I wouldn't have been real positive about this season. NAHHHHH, would be good to drink beer and go to The Bank again. Parallel: push.

No more whining, things could have been much worse. I really felt for all the people I was in line with at the airport. Almost all of them were going home, while I was at home already and under no pressure to get there, unlike the fireman in line behind me. But the kicker is my brother told me today that all they has was some wind and a few drops at his house in Stratford, and that planes were coming in all night in Philly. I take it as an omen I wasn't meant to be there for some reason, so I'm buying a bunch of Powerball tickets for tonight in the hopes I'll get repaid. Wriz, sorry if I hung you out and hope someone else can use my ticket. Robin, I really wanted to meet you... you too CJ. Amy, now you have no more reason to be jealous of me, even being in Pittsburgh. I know your pain; my first ex wife is from Pittsburgh LOL.

To all the rest of, have a fucking blast Sunday and a cold beer for me. If anyone actually bought Bud Light Platinum for me, email it to me... it won't go bad. :)

And seriously, LET'S GET BUNTED!

Bill S aka/netfather

P.S. - doesn't this sound like an extension of my first 3 pieces?

****Note from the Wriz**********

Since Bill bailed, the Wriz cancelled the BL PlatinumGirls appearence at the M&G. Blame the old guy.