‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘16

Hoodwink’d                   by cj hood

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘16

 

  

FANS ARE SCARED BRO!

 

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were all hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Ruf jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

We got rid of that jobber; Ruben Amaro

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases

An all new offense, don’t know their names nor their faces

With a brand new coach, hair slicked back and neat.

I knew in a moment it must have been Pete.

More rapid than the Eagles his courses they came,

And he whistled, and shouted and, called them by name;

“Now, Nola! Now, Morton! They came with a twist!

Now Eickhoff and that guy that broke Franco’s wrist!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes fly,

When Altherr broke his wrist; phans collectively cried.

Ben Davis and Murph were calling the game

‘Boy we miss Harry’; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Nola was set and took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

The Mets blew the Series; the ‘Gnats dug their own graves;

Marlins suck; at least we’re not the Braves.

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Las Vegas is saying we’re gonna get killed

If their play doesn’t kill us, Chick-fil-A certainly will

We’ve got Andy McPhail and Matthew Klentak;

We traded our stars and got prospects back.

We might be the duds of the MLB,

We’ll contend once again, just wait and see

We’ll struggle at first, I’m not going to lie yo!

But at least we open with that team from Ohio

I’m excited about Franco, Herrera and Nola

Philly’s best team? Wildcats at Villanova

If we played in October it would be such a shocker,

Maybe if Howard cleaned out his locker

But tonight we’re in first, like the rest of the teams

And all we can do is have positive dreams

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great season,”

Bad Biz

Hoodwink’d                         by cj hood

Bad Biz

 

I gotta be honest, I thought my life would be a helluva lot better when Pete Mackanin took over last week:  Air would be fresher, beer would be free-er & the Phillies would be winning.  Kind of the same way I thought I felt when Ryno took over for Chollie a few seasons back.  However, that is definitely not the case.  As a collective phanbase of ‘Buntamaniacs we all the share the same depression over this ballclub, the disdain for Ruben and the rich love for more free-er beer.  Yet, this excrement that trots out onto the diamond day-in and day-out also represents something else that only a few of us could understand.   For the Phillies bloggers all over the world including the #1 blog, these Phillies Bunts, this team also represents bad biz.  It’s like when superstore Pails & Nails nearly ran Cunningham Hardware out of business.  It’s difficult to sell a hammer to someone who’s not interested in hammering, but in this case the ‘hammer’ is positive news about this team.  Hence, when the Phillies franchise suffers…so does this blog.

 

F’ THIS SHIT!

 

The truth is, this blog started 2 years too late.  The World Series win & appearance were long gone when our faithful CEO Wriz contacted the original group about starting a blog.  That crew (Wriz, DB29, Kornhole, DiamondGirl & myself) came together like Voltron and took over the City of Brotherly Love with informative and (might I say) witty retort about our Phightans.  However, as the Phillies started to fall so did our bloggers and hype over this fine institution.  Despite the fact that DB29 came out of retirement and wrote a blog that only makes sense if you’re drunk or high, output from this corporation has been weak at best.  Yet, it isn’t our fault.  Do our legion of ‘Buntamaniacs want to read how our team sucks every week?  I doubt it.  The truth is if it wasn’t for Erik the ‘Bunts might have folded months ago.  Besides running a successful blog & Facebook page, we also manage Twitter& Instagram accounts.  We now use Twitter to do play-by-play instead of the FB page.  The Instagram is mainly used for posting embarrassing pics of the Wriz.   Irregardless (not a real word), none of these outlets generate much heat cuz the Phillies suck and when they suck it’s bad for the blogging business.  Case in point, I run an Eagles FB page (Ray Didinger Superfans) that get’s 5-7 Likes a week  AND IT’S NOT EVEN FOOTBALL SEASON.  And because it’s not football season I only give it a tenth of the attention I do the ‘Bunts, but it’s still getting mad love.  Why?  Cuz the Eagles are good (as of today).  I know older fans like Netfather Bill are more patient than I am because they’re used to these waves of shittiness, but those waves happended BB (before ‘Bunts).

One thing that really ‘grinded my gears’ is when I shared the story of the Dad who took his son to the Gnats doubleheader which coincidently took place the same day as Meet & Greet V.  Sure it was a good story, but the amount of views, comments & shares on that one post trumped most of what we posted all season.  Just like Cunningham Hardware, Phillies Bunts is a business that was built from the ground up….blood, sweat & tears bro!  It’s hard work!  Try breast feeding twins and writing a blog every 4 months…don’t believe me, ask Wriz!  So if it’s sappy my fellow ‘Buntamaniacs want, then sappy they will get.  Break out the tissues wussies for the sappiest Hoodwink’d ever sapped…..sap…

 

-We bought new brown rugs for our kitchen that perfectly camouflages doggy doodoo.  I stepped in poop twice.

-Billingsley, Correia, Harang, O’Sullivan et.al.

-Robin brought pretzels to Meet & Greet V that she originally bought for Meet& Greet 1.

-Our manager quit on us.

-DB29 tips 9%.

-DiamondGirl’s cat Chase had the sniffles.

-I'm not as hot in my online pics as I am in person.

-Some people thought Galvis and Herrera were All Stars.

-The dad that took his kid to the double header thinks Jim Korhan is funny.

-Timmytheleg hasn’t been seen since he got married.

-Wriz promised my friends and I Hall Of Fame seats & then we got denied at the elevator.

-Not only does Harang sound like Orangutan, but he looks like one too.

-Netfather Bill broke a toe when he dropped his high school yearbook on it.  (It’s made of stone)

-RAJ saw his shadow in a Schmitter which means 3 more years of incompetence. 

-The Phillies are now selling tickets with gift receipts.

-With a name like McPHAIL how could anything go wrong?

-Meet & Greet VI might take place at a Union game…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

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How Sweep It Is!

Hoodwink’d                       by cj hood

How Sweep It Is!

 

 

 

IT SAYS RIGHT HERE ‘REMOVE ASCHE & REPLACE WITH FRANCO’

 

Oh snap!  Don’t look now, but someone rang the CB Park’s doorbell and left a Swiffer Sweeper

right next to the Mike Schmidt statue.  My goal here is to pen this piece, email it to the Wriz and get it on da blog spot before this glorious win streak ends!  Our legion of Buntamaniacs didn’t think O’Sullivan could deliver a win, but low & behold you ‘doubting Thomaseses’ he did!  A 5 game win streak including a sweep of the D*Backs!  Granted the two Pirate wins were our faux Aces vs their duds and the D*Backs play like d*bags, but irregardless (not a real word) we got it diz-one!!!  Now off to Colorado where the mountains are high and so are their residents.  Will the streak hit 6?  Will there be another sweep?  Or will Ryan ‘Lloyd’ Braun get higher than Snoop Dog at a Denver Pot Café?  Time will tell, but with Galvis’ hot bat and Franco ‘Everything But’ American on our side…the sky is the limit.  (Assuming the sky is like my man cave ceiling #6fttall).  But next week, when T*Mac announces the Phillies Star of the Week, he won’t be doing it with tongue planted firmly in cheek.  This week was real, almost parade worthy.  For a team still sitting in last place we need to appreciate the small stuff, so let’s celebrate good times…come on….

 

YOU KNEW THIS PIC WAS COMING.

-Why do they call Francoeur ‘Frenchy?’

-I hope they gave Cody Asche one of those whiffle ball bats before he left.

-They were about to rename this team Amtrak prior to this win-streak.
-The thrill is forever gone.

-Why did I just here about the Schmitter?

-I went to Weather Day just for Sheena Parveen!

-DB29 is 5 pounds away from never having to tuck a shirt in again.

-Chase is still the man!

-How ‘bout my man Howard!!!

-Remember Wriz Wednesdays. #flashbackmonday

-Did Rioter win the Preakness?

-The Marlins will collapse in T-Minus 3, 2, ……

-The ‘Dad-bod’ is now in! Where was this 20 years ago?

-Congrats Pap!

-Don’t throw the ball to someone unless they’re looking.  #LittleLeague101

-The Kardashians have more ‘Daddy issues’ than the Skywalkers.

-My Phillies Mt. Rushmore:  Schmidt, Carlton, Chase, Pete Rose. #comeatmebro

-Remember Netfather Bill.  #throwbackmonday

-Wonder if the Poop Bandit has a Bunts tshirt?

-My son got up at 6:30am on a Saturday to do homework.  Waiting on paternity test.
-Meet & Greet V is one month away….let’s get ‘Bunted!!!

Growing Pains

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The Phils Awaken

Hoodwink’d   by cj hood

The Phils Awaken

 

 

 

CAN’T WAIT FOR CHOOCHBACCA

 

This December I get to relive my childhood when the new Star Wars movie drops.  The only thing I’ve read online more than Phillies tweets is Star Wars leaks.  Hence, I know when I enter the theater 8 months from now that it’s not going to be all about Luke, Han & Leia.  It only makes sense that the elder statesmen take a backseat to the new generation of Jedi.  This is the same approach my fellow ‘Buntamaniacs need to take with this 2015 Phillies team.  It’s not all about Chase, Howard & Chooch anymore.  It’s not even all about the rusty trombone.  Instead it’s all about Blanco, Hernandez & Herrera.  I tweeted (@PhilliesBunts) last week that I didn’t believe the Phillies would be the horror show that Vegas is predicting.  Winning breeds winning…we have our first winning record since May of last year.  With that being said, I hope that Wriz get’s this piece up before 1pm.  Let’s kick some old school Hoodwink’d in honor of back to back come-back wins shall we…

 

-We’re in 2nd place in the NL East.

-Ben’s gotta arm.

-At least Howard’s making contact.

-I’m in the process of getting ‘Harangutan’ patented. 

-Wriz Wednesdays:  Now written in invisible ink.

-I got winded watching Chase go from first to third.

-Jabba the Hutt > Carrie Fisher

-Weekend home games are the Schmidt!

-What up with the Bravos?

-Buchannan was a bigger let down than the Soprano’s Finale.

-I think Hamel’s let the ‘everybody wants me’ talk get to his pretty little ego.

-Sometimes Pap feels like a Phil; Sometimes he don’t.

-We should have kept Byrd.

-I bet Wriz in the Phillies 5K

-We could have and should have won the Sox series.

-Harrison Ford doesn’t know the meaning of DL.

-I asked DB29 to send me pics from Opening Day; he sent me 1 selfie.

-Fun Fact:  If Harang starred on Walking Dead he’d need zero makeup.

-I’d sooner ask Wriz for diet tips than fantasy baseball advice.

-Erik Whiticare is the Odubela Herrera of the ‘Bunts staff.

-J*Roll is my best fantasy player.

-Meet & Greet V is on June 28th!!! #whosgoing

-We’ll learn who this team is this week. 

-We’re tied for first in the Wild Card….let’s get ‘bunted!

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘15

Hoodwink’d

by      cj hood

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘15

                 

                     CITIZENS BOOZE PARK

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were all hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

While Mets fans drank Schlitz; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases

An all new offense, don’t know their names nor their faces,

With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,

I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.

More rapid than the Eagles his courses they came,

And he whistled, and shouted and, called them by name;

“Now, Hamels! Now, Harang! And those other 3!

On, Howard! On Asche! And ‘the man’ Chase Utley!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away!  Dashed away!  Dashed away all!

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes on,

Who’s that grabbing his nuts?  That’s Jon Papelbon!

Ben Davis and Stairs were calling the game

‘Boy we miss Harry’; Oh!  What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Hamel’s with his ‘game scruff’ took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

The Marlins rebuilt and the ‘Gnats will not lose;

The Phil’s best acquisition? Our park now serves booze!

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Las Vegas is saying we’re gonna get killed

If their play doesn’t kill us, a 9 patty burger certainly will

We traded J*Roll for some no-name go-getters,

The movie Philadelphia seemed to end better

We are the L-O-L of the M-L-B

Cuz half of our team is A-A-R-P

Amaro manages us like he don’t even care

And here come the Red Sox, loaded for bear

We’re the Walking Dead, this team will just scare ya,

Yet I’m really excited about Odubel Herrera

Last few years we’ve just stunk, just like a wet fart

I bet the 76’ers can’t wait til we start

If we played in October it would be such a shocker,

Maybe if Howard cleaned out his locker

But tonight we’re in first, like the rest of the teams

And all we can do is have positive dreams

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season,”

Midterm Report

Hoodwink’d                       by cj hood

Midterm Report

 

 

I have to apologize in advance my fellow Buntamaniacs.  This edition of Hoodwink’d will not spit fire like yesterday’s Wriz Wednesday piece…oh wait.  Anywho, the All Star break is just about over so let’s assess our Phightans (or lack thereof) before they kick off the second half in Atlanta on Friday.

 

Chooch:  C-  He had a good May, but got hurt.  I wouldn’t mind if he was moved.

Cody Asche:  B-  Also saw the DL, but I like this kid.  Needs to work on his D.

 

J*Roll:  B  I thought he’d mail it in after breaking Schmidt’s record, but I was wrong.  Like Stella, he got his groove back and he seems more pissed off when he’s not doing well.  He’s gotta ‘new attitude’ like Philly’s own Patti Labelle and I like it!

 

Chase:  A   He’s the man and a Phillie for life.  Don’t trade him and stop asking him about being     traded. Trading Utley would be like trading a heart for 2 good thumbs.  Drop it bro!

 

D*Brown:  D  Send him back to Lehigh.  His game is about as reputable as Malaysian Airlines.

 

Sizemore: B?  Too early to grade, but I like what I see.  If Netfather Bill backs him then so do I!

 

Byrd:  A    I haven’t loved a bird this much since I hit puberty.  I’m gonna hate to see him go.

 

Ben Revere:  B   Only because you have the highest batting average on the team.  He still lacks some fundamentals though (ie  fielding & base running).

 

Bench:  C-  Mayberry & Gwynn Jr are ok.  The rest of them aren’t worth mentioning now that Frandsen  is gone.

                   

Cole:  A-   I feel for you bro.  It’s like you own a record company and your biggest act is Leif Garret.  #zerohits

 

Lee:  B+   Last year’s Cole.  Hope he could bounce back from his injury.

 

AJ Burnett:  B    He’s seemed to come around after a few shaky starts.  Hope we could get some offense for him.

 

KK:  C   You’re the Dominic Brown of pitching.  I won’t be mad if he gets traded.

 

Buchanan:  B+  I like this guy! I don’t like him like DB29 likes the Real Housewives of New Jersey (He doesn’t read the blog anymore), but I think he’s going to be a great 4^th or 5^th starter for us.

 

Hernandez:  D+  (This grade exists…I got it in college)  Dude’s like KK with a nicer tan.  Not impressed.

 

Bullpen et al:  B+    Shaky start, but really came thru for a team with zero offense.  F’ Papelbon & can’t wait to see him leave. With names like Ken ‘My Angel is a Centerfold’ Giles Band &            Jeff(erson) ‘We Built this City on Rock N Roll’ Manship , this pen is bound to get more interesting.

 

And last, but definitely last…

 

Ryan Howard:  F-  You had 2 good years and got paid handsomely by a GM who has no business being a GM.  I cannot understand how in good conscience you can continue cashing your paycheck.  NFL players redo their contracts for the good of the team all the time.  Why can’t

 you?  I say cut him like the Eagles cut DeSean Jackson.  I know the circumstances are different, but F’ it…take the loss.  I recommended a $3 surcharge be added to all tickets so the fans could buy out his contract.  As long as Ryan Howard is a Phillie, this team will continue looking back at 2008 instead of focusing on the future.  The organization needs to show the fan base that they are serious about winning.  Getting rid of Howard is step one!!!

 

 

I predicted in April that the Phillies would cop the 2^nd Wild Card.  That is obviously not going to happen, but there’s a slim chance that they could still win this division.  That of course depends on a gaggle of things coming together.  Time will tell I guess.  I hope they don’t shit the bed before Aug 22 cuz it’s their first annual Star Wars night and I’d really like to take the family to that game.  However, there’s no way I’m dropping a few hundred dollars to watch a team implode like the Death Star.  So may the force be with you and here’s hoping that Pap goes out like Jabba the Hutt.  Hey, we got new Phillies Bunts stickers in stock……let’s get ‘Bunted!!!

MG4 Wrap-Up & the like

Hoodwink’d               by cj hood

MG4 Wrap-Up & the like

 

 

 

3 BAD BROTHERS YOU KNOW SO WELL

 

Another successful Phillies Bunts outing has passed and with World Cup type attendance it did not disappoint.  Meet & Greet IV: The Search for Diamond Girl definitely lived up to its hype because she was nowhere to be found.  Irregardless (not a real world) of an anemic ball club , surprise graduation parties & lack of Timmy ‘the leg’ cuisine: DB29, Wriz & myself entertained legions of ‘Buntamaniacs with cold beer& quick wit.  Like Adrock crooned in Professor Booty, ‘I’d like to thank the people for just showing up.’  So with that I’d like to give a shout out to our old friends as well as our new compadres.  Until we meet again at MGV….stay cool.

 

 

 

THE MAESTRO

 

Now to the Phillies…

 

Dear Phillies:  It’s tough to write weekly blogs, generate hype on our FB page and attract new ‘Buntamaniacs when all you do is suck!!!  So start hitting the ball and win some games.

Sincerely,

cj

 

I’m going to make this short & sweet cuz it’s been beat like a comatose Mr. Ed.  THE PHILLIES CAN’T HIT!!!  That’s the main issue.  If 5 out of the nine could put the ball in play then they could easily overcome weak pitching and a sketchy bullpen. Everyone says Ruben needs to go (agreed) and we should sell.  Sell what?  We only have 2 guys who could hit: Utley & Byrd; no one wants Howard’s contract and we only have 2 pitchers and one of them is hurt.  So, sell Pap (DeFratus can close); Burnett, J*Roll (if he agrees) and Chooch (if anyone wants him), but only if you’re getting some offense in return.  If you’re not getting bats in return then you might as well keep the team you have.  Getting rid of Victorino, Pence, & Blanton hasn’t helped us put runs on the board.  So don’t sell just to sell…it’s stupid.  Moreover, I often wonder if we should have just paid Victorino & Werth and called it a day.  Although Vic has been hurt they’re a much better option than Brown, Revere, Mayberry et al. 

 

On a lighter note, Mike Schmidt got to meet me last weekend….lets get ‘bunted!!!

 

 

A MAN WHO’S SYNONMOUS WITH THE PHILLIES &  MIKE SCHMIDT

 

 

MG4

Hoodwink'd  by cj hood
MG4

Top 10 Reasons to go to Meet & Greet IV: The Search for DiamondGirl

10. Phils swept the Braves in Atlanta last week. So the chances of them probably winning are pretty good.
9. Asche's back!
8. Games for the kids including 'Pin the beard on the Wriz'
7. Oily Sausage
6.  Dom 'former All Star' Brown jersey giveaway.
5. Live entertainment from DB29 (His impression of a Bunts blogger is spot on).
4. CB Park anticipates at least 2500 fans on Sunday so there'll be plenty of leg room.
3. The first 100 Buntamaniacs to show up to the K lot @ the Linc get a free 8x10 glossy of CJ Hood.
2. Timmy 'the leg's' cooking!
1. Robin won't be there!!!

See you kids on Sunday...let's get 'bunted!

A Formal Affair

Hoodwink’d  by cj hood
A Formal Affair Part I 


What up kids?  BREAKING NEWS:  Our team blows!  But I’m not one to yell, curse and kick the dog over this pathetic excuse for a ball club.  Instead, I light a candle, put on some slow muzac and put my anger onto the pages of my marble notepad.  Like Chuck D of Public Enemy once crooned, ‘When I get mad, I put it down on a pad…give you something that you never had.’  So based on that shiz, I’ve decided to class this blog up and share with you some of the tasteful pieces I’ve penned while watching this atrocity.  I’m a start it off with a funky-ass haiku…

I don’t know this team
Who the hell is Reid Brignac?
Sounds like a porn name

----------------------------

Ode to Chase:
Without Chase
we’d have no wins.
No heart on the team.
No team.
No heart.

----------------------------

There once was a man named Amaro,
who lived for today, not tomorrow.
He mortgaged the farm,
gave out contracts that harmed,
And now the city just sulks in its sorrow.

THIS IS HOW I LOOK WHEN I WRITE POETRY

Pop up, pop up, pop
Ben Revere can’t bunt for shit
Take a lead off third

----------------------------

B is for the Balls every first batter gets
A is for your Ass that children try to pet
S is for the Strikes I think you had a few
T is for the Times you threw at batters shoes
A is also for your Ass cuz it’s big as hell
R is for the Runs you produce like Taco Bell
D is for Down Lehigh Valley that you have to go
O is for On as in ‘get back on the drugs bro’



I’ll be performing at Philly’s Phunniest Contest at Helium ( 2031 Sansom St., Philly) on Sun; June 22nd @ 10pm.  Round 1 winners are determined by the audience so I need your support.  I have a few free tickets left…get at me thru Facebook.  Otherwise, tickets are 2 for the price of 1 (tickets are $10).  Please call the box office at 215-496-9001 to make a reservation.  Make sure you mention my name (cj hood) to receive the discount.  I’m funnier than the Phillies defense…let’s get ‘bunted!

Terror in Toronto

Hoodwink’d​​by cj hood

Terror in Toronto

 

I haven’t been watching a lot of baseball the past few weeks.  This is a busy time of year in Casa Hood, my kids play softball & baseball and I of course coach.  (Note: I’m the only Bunts staff member who’s coached against a former Phillie).  Anywho….I didn’t see much of the left coast run…I gotta job bro!  However, I did see the Mets game when Cole got shellacked, then there was the rainout and a day off.  So it wasn’t until the ‘Gnats rolled in last Friday that I got to see the Phightans play for the first time in weeks.  So, where we be?

 

As I write this, the Marlins are leading the division in the NL Least. Our division is like Kelly Taylor, everybody gets their chance on top…except for the Phils of course.  Our team has been hovering around .500 and last place all season.  I predicted the Phillies would make the 2nd Wild Card team and I still think that’s possible.  However, certain things have to change.

 

Insert Funny Photo Here
INSERT FUNNY QUIP HERE

 

Howard – You went from an F to a D+.  It’s like a 300lb guy standing to a 500lb guy…you’re still a hot mess.

Utley -  I love you more than the Real Housewives of Media…please don’t let up!

Rollins – Rollins scores; team wins! Get on it bro!

Asche/Nix – You guys are one in the same like Joe Derita & Curly Joe…don’t matter; y’all stooges.!

Dom Brown – You might not be getting All Star numbers like last year, but you’re on your way!

Revere – You seem like a nice guy.

Byrd – ‘DA MAN! Sneeze on the team and spread that ish around!

Chooch – the toilet of this team. No flash, no big check….just workin hard to get rid of this shit.

 

What about the pitching staff?  Well Cole’s been on the decline since becoming a trillionaire.  He’s got his ring, MVP & paycheck.  Where’s his motivation?  The fans that are saying ‘he’ll be fine’ are the same type of people who stayed on the Titanic with a mop and a roll of Bounty.  

We’re all familiar with the pic of Cliff Lee all pissed off at last year’s All Star game in Citifield.  For some reason I think he feels that away a lot with this team.  Except for ‘pitching BP in Toronto’ (Wriz), it’s been another stellar season for Clifford.  However, his stats don’t reflect this cuz a Dollar Store bra offers more support.  

 

I dropped AJ Burnett in Fantasy after he got smoked in Chicago and was diagnosed with a hernia.  Like Weird Al crooned he’s ‘Living with a Hernia’ and is doing great.  Groundball biz!

KK is like hiring a teenager to wash your car…he might do a really good job or you might end up with ‘POOP’ keyed on the driver’s side door.

 

Roberto Hernandez…I like you.  Not like how the Wriz likes to put the free pantyhose on this hands at the shoe store and ‘do puppets.’ But, like how you handle your biz!  Keep on keepin bro!

And the bullpen…it’s a pigpen.  ‘Nuff said! #bringupGiles

 

Irregardless (not a real word) of this spot on assessment, it’s the same ole same ole.  If it’s not the offense, it’s the pitching.  If it’s not the pitching, it’s the bullpen. And if it’s not any of that jazz then it’s Galvis!  Our 4th Annual Meet & Greet is a month away…let’s get ‘bunted!

Report Card

Hoodwink’d ​by cj hood

Report Card

 

WRIZ’ 12th GRADE REPORT CARD #PHYSICALEDUCATION

 

Kool Moe Dee used to grade other rap acts on the back of his albums back in the day.  Hence, the line from Beastie Boys’ Intergalactic, ‘Got an A from Moe Dee for sticking to themes.’  Piggybacking on that, I’ve decided to grade Ryno and his club for their first week of work. Check it!

 

Offense:  B+

The Phightans are finally scoring runs.  Chase is reppin’ hard, Howard is hitting off of lefties (although still striking out…A LOT!) & J*Roll quieted down his critics (for the time being)with a Slam on OD.  Moreover, the bench came thru as well ie Mayberry.  However, they couldn’t cut Sunday’s deficit in half and finished Week 1 with a .500 record.  Irregardless (not a real word), this is a promising start and feel we’ll score more runs this year than previously thought.  However, the latter hinges on the health of this aging team.

 

Defense: B

Chooch had a nice catch in the ‘Windy City’ & Byrd had 2 really great grabs as well. So, this grade should have been the highest on the card.  However, with a few errors in Chicago including Revere’s debacle in center yesterday, this grade slid to a B.

 

Starting Pitching: B

Lee was shaky on Opening Day, but got the win & came back hard in Chicago.  KK was ‘dependable KK’ and did his thing.  Roberto Hernandez bka Enrico Palazzo looked great!  AJ Burnett was decent in Texas and horrendous in Chicago.  He looked like the Burnett of old that New York put on a subway headed south to Pittsburgh.  We would have been better off with Carol Burnett yesterday.  I think AJ’s going to be the weak link in the chain this year.  Plus, he’s the reason I lost my first Fantasy matchup on the last day of competition.  F’ him & Darvish!

 

Bullpen: B-

Papelblown, Papelbomb, the screen door on Dorothy Gail’s house ‘closed better.’ We’ve heard all the jokes and they’re pretty much spot on.  The only thing moving more than 90mph with Jonathan is his mouth.  Put some movement on the ball son!  The rest of the pen is holding it down and they’re making a fraction of what you’re getting paid!!!

 

Ryno:  B

Shaking up the lineup & interesting bullpen moves have made Ryne more unpredictable than his predecessor.  Cholly would never put Chooch in the 2 hole even when he was all hopped up on pills.  He lost his first challenge and the .500 record speaks for itself, but I’m remaining optimistic.  Sandberg’s no-nonsense attitude and willing to switch things up will keep this complacent team on it’s toes.  I was leaning towards a B+ here, but I want to see how Week 2 goes first.

 

 

Overall:  B

I don’t think this team is going to be the ‘doom & gloom’ that everyone thought they’d be.  If they stay healthy, I think they could make the 2nd Wild Card…ya, I said it!  This will only happen if they continue to score more than 3 runs per game. I’m putting the 2014 Phillies at 87 wins.  Tell me where I’m wrong?  Come at me bro and let’s get ‘bunted!!!