Friday, December 30, 2011

Resolution Time

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Resolution Time



2012 New Year's resolutions for the Phightans (& the like) are:
-Chooch will brush up on his English.
-Howard will not make the last out of the season.
-Utley will take it one base at a time.
-J*Roll will earn his $33 mill EVERYDAY of the season.
-Polanco will stay healthy (cuz there’s 3 bench players foaming at the mouth for 
 his spot).
-Thome will make it 630.
-Blanton will lose 10 lbs.
-Pence will come thru in the playoffs. 
-Big Daddy Shane will keep on keeping.
-Mayberry will quiet his critics permanently.
-D*Brown will play his heart out (so he could be traded away in July).
-Doc will win his 3rd Cy Young.
-DB29 will finish that sit up.
-Hamels will (stop shaving) have a mustache by September.
-Blanton will gain 7 lbs.
-Raul will re-sign for less money and become a leader in the locker room.
-lil Roy will put his tail between his legs, re-sign, and ride the bullpen.
-Papelbon will be like ‘08 Lidge (and not ‘09, ‘10 & ‘11 Lidge).
-Wheels will see boobs ‘in real life.'
-the Phillies Bunts FB page will get 500 ‘likes.’
-Tommy Mac will take his shirt off in the booth.
-Vanimal will find the cure for rabies.
-As a result of Hoodwink’d, I will be hired by CSN to do a weekly Phils
 show with Amy Fadool.
-Amaro will finally get the bat we so desperately need!
-Diamond Girl will get her restraining order against Utley lifted.
-Is It 7:05 Yet? will stop running stories on Pat Burrell.
-the Wriz and the Phanatic will makeup and then make out.        
-Madson will follow suit with lil Roy.
-Blanton will gain 5 lbs.
-Lee will keep on keeping (even in the playoffs).
-Valdez will close out at least 2 games.
-Kendrick will know his role.
-Herndon will produce more runs than a midnight meal at Denny’s.
-Cholly will speak a complete sentence.
-the ‘Bunts will have their own float on Parade Day in October.
-Finally, more phans will get ‘bunted in ‘12 than ever before!



Sunday, December 11, 2011

All I Want for Christmas is JRoll Signed

All I Want for Christmas is JRoll Signed

Seasons Greetings Bunters! What has RAJ got everyone for Christmas this year? Last year, we had Clifton Phifer Lee under the tree. He went above and beyond. RAJ did something no Phillies GM had ever done. He signed the biggest free agent pitcher that was available. Remember the time Bill Giles was asked why the Phillies don't sign big time pitchers? His response was, "Pitchers break down, we don't want to commit that kind of money". Translation, "We are cheap, we are happy to spend like a small market team". Those days are, thankfully, long gone. The Phillies are now a major player anytime someone good lands in the free agent market. 

So glad to see Jim Thome back, even if it will be in a supporting role. Big Jim started it all. He was the first big time free agent to sign with the Phillies since Lance Parrish. He gave us some great years. We got to see his 400th Home Run at CBP. The Phillies started to contend for the first time in over a decade. I have heard the negatives for bringing Thome back, "He can't play the field", "He may not be a good pinch hitter since he is used to being a DH." I don't care. If the Phillies were ever going to take a chance on a guy I'm glad they picked Thome. He is total class. During this whole steroid era, his name has never come up. The guy did it the right way. If you can't root for a guy like that, who can you root for?

That brings me to Jimmy Rollins. I'm the biggest JRoll fan there is, he's my guy. Its Jimmy and the 'Big Piece' for me. I'm like those Kardashian sluts, I like me some athletic black men. Jimmy is the best shortstop this franchise ever had. He is a huge reason for this sweet run that started in 2007. He flipped the bird to the Mets to get this run going. Why no love for JRoll? When did fans start thinking of the game as a business? Everyone discussing money and years like it's their money. I want to see Jimmy flashing the leather, hitting with pop, going from 1st to 3rd in a flash.  I don't care how RAJ does it, I want Jimmy on the field playing for the Fightins. When Jimmy is doing his thing the Phillies win, pure and simple.  Isn't that what it's all about?

Keep It Classy Philly?

DB29 likes his Phillies like he likes his coffee: Black and Strong!

Friday, December 9, 2011

Miami Vice

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood

Miami Vice


-Jerry Sandusky touched more balls than Joe Blanton last season.
-The Miami Marlins spend money like my wife.
-Bunts Meet & Greet Part Deuce in the works!
-I finally broke down and joined Twitter…@therealcjhood
-The new Marlins uniform features a cancer ribbon with Reyes written on it.
-Bernie Fine will get 5 years before J*Roll will.
-The Phils are taking on more washed up athletes than the WCW.
-Diamond Girl renamed her Cabbage Patch Kid Benjamin Cooper.
-now Raul knows how Ace felt when Tommy Thayer put on the Spaceman makeup.
-Is Howard still laying on the ground?
-Buehrle would have been a nice pickup for Miami if it was 2009.
-Noogie was my boy back in the day!
-maybe we shouldn’t have won that last Braves series.
-Jose Reyes’ The Decision was aired on ESPN DEPORTES.


-MLB told Wheels the winter meetings were in Dallas, Pa.
-LIKE our other FB pages:  Papelbon’s Posse & Ray Didinger for Eagle’s Head Coach
-the Marlins are the new ‘dream team’….good luck with all of that.
-order your Bunts tshirts now before DB29 snatches up all the XXXL’s.
-If we end up with Madson then the Papelbon deal was a waste of money.
-Tony LaRussa’s still pissed.
-You know Ozzie Guillen’s talkin sh*t on us in Spanish.
-In other NL East news, the Mets just picked up a case of balls…slightly used.
-Kim Kardashian’s wedding was longer than the Phils/Pujols talks.
-word is, Andy Reid recommended to Cholly hiring Juan Castillo as their pitching coach.
-congrats to the Beastie Boys for making the RNR Hall of Fame.
-hey Miami, Herman Cain will see more action next year than Reyes will.
-we’re in the same position as we’ve been the past 2 years unless we pick up a solid bat.
-Thanks Angels.
-BREAKING NEWS: Marlins signed LeBron James & Dwyane Wade.
-60 some days til pitchers & catchers report…..let’s get ‘bunted!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Naughty or Nice?

If you or someone on your Christmas shopping list is like the Wriz, there isn’t much Phillies related items you don’t have already, but here is some last minute ideas if you’re still struggling to find that perfect Phillies gift.

For the impossible to buy for: Phillies posters and prints. They are done in military propaganda style. Pretty Bad ass.

For the Ladies: Something from the Victoria’s Secret Pink collection. They have some nice Phillies attire that’s not too manly for the ladies and not so ridiculously girly the true fans will snarl.

For the Kids (or adults with ADHD)  Get you favorite Phillies as a hand puppet. The look very life-like. In fact, the Halladay will stare right through you if you do it wong.

For someone who was an extra 5 grand in their pocket: Phillies Phantasy Camp. For $4,895 bucks you get to find out what its like to be a real pro baseball player. Well, almost. You have to pay for your own airfare, which sucks and you don’t get groupies which is a deal breaker.

For the incredibly stupid: Phillies season tickets. Nah, season tickets aren't dumb but paying $56,000 just to have the right to buy them is. It’s not even for next year. It’s 2012. and the douchebag still has the balls to charge $7.99 for shipping.

For my lawyers: Phillies Bunts Cookies. The cease and desist order has already been FedEx’d. Mother Fuckers won’t even give me a free sample and the Wriz loves cookies.

For the Phillies fan who has all the Jerseys and player tees: Dollar Dog tees from Phanatic Wear. While your there you can pick up a number of other tees including the coolest one on the planet right now the Philly Irish tee (Obviously, I’m excluding the Phillies Bunts tee). I’m told if like the Bunts and you spend over $50 you automatically get 20% off at checkout.

For the Phillies fan who needs all the on field authentics: Phiten necklaces. They have the Tornando one all the Phillies wear but I like this one much better and it’s cheaper too.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Hangover

One of the most terrifying feelings is after a night of legendary partying, you wake up and you open your eyes and wonder “Where the fuck am I?”  It’s not a good feeling, so terrible in fact, you don’t even realize the severity of your hangover. You don’t move. You just stare at the unfamiliar color that is an inch from your eye. 

That’s the feeling I have right now in regards to the Phillies.  No clue how or what to think. When I finally get my bearings, will I know this team? So many key components could be gone. Brad Lidge and Roy Oswalt have been notified their options won’t be picked up. The team has said they will still continue to negotiate with them. Jimmy Rollins, Ryan Madson and Raul Ibanez are all free agents. And then there are those who are up for arbitration: Cole Hamels, Hunter Pence and Kyle Kendrick. While they will be back, the direction Rueben Amaro Jr. takes now can and will effect how the players will proceed in the future with regards to the Phillies and free agency.

You regret letting your friends talk you into those shots.

Maybe the Phillies regret the deal they gave Howard. Maybe they don’t. From the outset I said it was a bad deal. It’s a fact; players built like Howard break down with age. Sure, when the Phillies asked him to lose weight he did and showed his dedication to the team, but I’d rather have seen a dedication to learning the finer aspects of hitting like taking the ball the other way. I understand why they did it. Signing Howard to a long term deal before Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder got their deals may have kept the cost down but was it the right approach?

“Should I try to slip out unnoticed?” you think, but then you hear someone else stirring about.

The fear of the unknown isn’t helping matters any. Where Pujols and Fielder end up could bump the Phillies from their perennial place as the team to beat.  The thing with Fielder and Pujols being the best free agents on the market is where could they sign? The teams with money already have first baseman. The Red Sox have Adrian Gonzalez. The Yanks have Teixeria. The Angels have Mark Trumbo and Kendrys Morales. The Cardinals have shown they are a worthy foe and that’s without CY Young candidate Adam Wainwright who had Tommy John surgery before the season. I can’t imagine Pujols signing elsewhere but with Theo Epstein going to the Cubs maybe they make a push?

There is a good chance that when you roll over somehow someway you made it home and everything will be okay.

The one thing I have faith in is the ability of Amaro to do his job. Maybe the team will look different, but Amaro has shown he can bring in suitable replacements. He did it when he brought Ibanez to town for the departed Pat Burrell. He did it when replaced Pedro Feliz with Placido Polanco.

Your cell starts blowing up. Better check for drunken texts.

Yeah, its gonna take me a while to be okay with this one.

See ya…oh shit there’s that hangover.

See ya at the medicine cabinet.

Jay Wrizight

Friday, October 14, 2011

the Final Countdown

Hoodwink’d             by cj hood
the Final Countdown 


25 Positive Things About the Phils Losing the NLDS:

25.  Now I can get to bed on time.     #afterwebporn

24.  My wife could finally catch up on the “Real World Challenge Teen Moms of Jersey City."     #mindlessbullshit

23.  Chooch could finish up his Rosetta Stone course on English.     #kingsenglish

22.  T*Mac will finally be able to pose for that Moobs magazine centerfold.     #selfbreastexam

21.  Cholly could now get good use out of his Ed Hardy shirt collection.     #actyourage

20.  J*Roll could be courted by other MLB teams.     #fiveyearsmyass

19.  Doc could plan his fly fishing trip with Carpenter.     #drownthefucker

18.  Oswalt could pack up his storage facility.     #acetoass

17.  Big Daddy Shane could get fitted for a truss.     #carriedoffense

16.  NetFather could start dating again.     #morewivesthanlarryking

15.  Lee could watch his buddies on the Rangers win the World Series.     #fml

14.  Ricky Bo could take some anger management classes.     #umadbro

13.  Madson could go Brink’s truck shopping.     #wererichbitch

12.  Kornhole could get his tv/radio/movie career up and running.     #dreamweaver

11.  CJ Hood could read Blogging for Dummies and post his own work     #computerilliterate 

10.  Cholly could finish up his wrist tattoo: Rollins, Victorino, Utley, Howard & Pence, just in case he forgets.     #f'eduplineup

9.   Blanton could finally finish those 3 sit-ups he started last off season.     #souse

8.   Sarge will be able to finish his Bangin Pootytangin’ World Tour.     #wheredawhitewomenat

7.   Wheel’s will finally get to AMS Salon to match the carpet w/the toupee.     #graypubes

6.   Amaro will get his new website up and running: 

5.   DB29 will be able to spend more time on his first love:  Bedazzling!     #diamondcrustedballs

4.   Chase could finally accept Diamond Girl’s offer for tea and roofies.     #daterape

3.   Pence could take Pat Burrell’s junior college course:  Single Guy’s Survival Guide of Philly.     #dontgetclap

2.   The offense could watch & pray the Eagles don’t win another game.     #pressuresoffus

1.   Howard’s gonna release his first cd under his hiphop name Toofer 19.     #letsgetbunted

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Daddy War-bux!

Hoodwink’d       by cj hood
Daddy War-bux!

Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems


Are we in trouble next year, Amaro
Are there are any more dollars Reuben Amaro, to sign a bat
Thinking about next year, Amaro
Makes me nervous and filled with sorrow,
Is J*Roll done?

Our lineup is old, it’s cold and moldy
Howard is hurt and Madson wants cash

Ohhhhhhh. We need hitters who work the count, Amaro
Can we put our trust in Reuben Amaro,
Come what may
Amaro, Amaro, you signed Doc Amaro
And gave the finger to the Blue Jays

Is Chase washed up, Amaro
Pence kinda sucked in the playoffs, Amaro
Come what may,
Amaro, Amaro, you brought Lee back Amaro
Don’t want to go the Eagles way
Amaro, Amaro, I luv ya Amaro
But not in a homo way.

Amaro, Amaro, I luv ya, Amaro

Spring Training is a 100 some, days, awaaaaay!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Freebee for RAJ

I know. I know. The Wriz should have definitely written something by now. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t put even one sentence together that explained how I felt, what the Phillies did wrong or where they should go from here.

Last year, I didn’t watch one out of the World Series. For references sake, I’d watch a Mets/Yankees game if it were the only game on. Hell, I couldn’t even turn on the radio or TV because it just hurt too much to hear them mention the Phillies. They were down 3 games to 2 in the NLCS and I never doubted them one bit, even when Giants went ahead in game 6. Stunned was probably the best way to describe how I felt after Big Brown took a called strike three. Maybe it was just as much about Howard not swinging as it was about the Phillies losing. I don’t know. But a few weeks later, I was back eager to talk Fightins baseball with whoever would listen.

This year has been different. I even watched like 3 innings of the Detroit/Texas series although I still can’t bear to watch the NLCS. Maybe it was different because I wasn’t convinced they could do it. The ghost of a Philadelphian sports fan who I thought I left behind on October 29, 2008 showed up during the Cardinals series. He’s the one that endured 25 years of futility. He’s the one that knows when the game is on the line Howard will strike out. McNabb will throw to Rhonde Barber. And Leon Stickle will call a phantom offsides. He’s the one who sits back and laughs when I get my employment evaluations and time and time again I’m referred to as “the most negative person they’ve ever met.” Usually, I just blow it off as my boss doesn’t have many employees who will speak their mind and say when something is screwed up. I’ve been told to come up with a solution that will fix the problem. My response? “Pay me Bitch!”

Do I feel somewhat responsible for the Phillies loss due to my lack of faith? Nope, while I may be superstitious enough to wear my lucky red striped socks to every playoff game I attended. I know the Phillies game would have the same outcome no matter what I did or thought. If it did, I love the Phillies enough to see a therapist to change my attitude.

Next year, the Phillies will still be a good team although they could have a different look and even a different attitude if the team Swag generator aka Jimmy Rollins leaves for greener pastures.

Seriously, I love the Phillies. I love them enough to give some free advice.

First, the post season medical report rivals the length of War and Peace. Give the players and particularly the stars more days off. I’d rather see the Phillies clinch closer to October anyhow. They need to be healthy and ready to play at game speed for the playoffs.

Next, Charlie has been a fan favorite since they hoisted the WFC trophy in ’08. While the Wriz likes his personality, his managerial skills not so much. Maybe the players “want to play for him,” but when push comes to shove a shrew in game move can go a long way. Manuel puts out his line-up and lets the players and worse yet the opposing manager dictate the game.

Finally, the biggest conversation has been about how and where the Phillies should spend their money. Let’s be realistic, the Phillies have always been about turning a profit and while they have been spending more money each season they do have a self-imposed cap. Hamels should be your #1 priority. Then Madson and then Jimmy. I love Jimmy as much as the next guy but a 5 year contract for a shortstop when he has battled leg injuries the past 2 years is a bad deal. I have no problems with some of the veterans returning if the come back at a reduced rate. Ibanez has long been written off as “good as gone.” But does Howard’s injury and a possible temporary move to first for Mayberry open the door back up for Raul?

While I offered some free advice, Ruben, you could offer me some free Opening Day Tickets. There is  more where that came from.

See ya at the ballpark L

Jay Wrizight

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

It's Over, Johnny.

It's Tuesday, but I'm NOT happy. Let's skip the bullshit and talk about how we REALLY feel.
I don't know about you, but I'm REALLY pissed off.

If you would have told me I would be sitting here on the Walt Whitman Bridge in early October (along with my friends "Phanatic" and that stupid Bird mascot whose name I dont have a clue), I would have probably called you a liar. Better yet, I'd probably have called you a pathetic Mets fan. I would fix you a nice tall glass of haterade and shrug your nonsense off like I have been for the past couple of seasons.Instead, I'm sitting here on a bridge sipping on a warm mug of "WTF".
My heart was broken into a million little pieces on a beautiful early October Friday evening. Like any normal stalker does after a nasty break up, I went through my Bunts blogs and reminisced on the season that should have been. I cried, I laughed, I threw blunt objects at my wall. I dreamt of Chase, Roy, Clifton and Jimmy scoring like no one's business (not all at once dirt balls... haha). I started to call my cat "Sebastian Le Toux", as it seems that the Philadelphia Union may go further in the playoffs than our beloved Phillies (DOOP!). And now I simply have nothing but sadness to spread to my faithful readers.

What really threw me over the edge??? I felt like a fucking Eagles fan. I sat and watched the season that was "Written in the Stars" (aka Rube's checkbook) fall apart faster than a knock off Coach bag. The frustration I felt over the lack of run support mimicked the frustration my guy feels pretty much any time they show fat boy Andy Reid on TV: We know what the god damn problem is. It just didn't get any better when the time called for it.

UGH. How many days until Pitchers and Catchers report?!?!

It's going to take a while to get over this one, Philadelphia. I think it's time for me to climb off the edge of this bridge, quit listening to The Smiths and swap my Utley jersey for my Flyers one. Life goes on. The boys in Orange and Black are looking pretty good so far, and like I mentioned above the "U" are about to start a campaign in the postseason. Not too shabby, Philly.

Have a great week (or try to, at least).

I'll be reporting next week from gorgeous Tampa, FL... I should hope to be in a little sunnier mood by then. If not, I need some serious help.



Sunday, October 9, 2011

This is Gonna Leave a Mark

Two years in a row now, I got to see Ryan Howard make the last out to end the Phillies season. As he approached the plate, I was hoping he would at least draw a walk so he wouldn't get bashed the entire offseason again. It seemed like a lot of people in attendance were waiting for him to fail. As he lay on the ground with a ruptured Achilles I heard a guy yell, "Good, now you can retire!". How quick we forget.  I actually heard Howard Eskin say yesterday that "Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino need to choke up on the bat". So now you're a hitting coach Eskin? Aren't you the same unathletic, zit faced kid who never played a sport in your life? In your own words, you are the biggest 'Fraud' this city ever had, and that's saying a lot since Adam Eaton played here. Go back to falsely reporting injuries on the Eagles sideline like you did 2 weeks ago. The Dog Killer didn't break his hand as you reported. I can't believe you don't get called on your sh!t. I will never bash any player who helps give us a parade. The championship victory is it for me. Once you win a championship for all of us, you get a lifetime pass. In my weird mind I have more respect for Eric Bruntlett and Pedro Feliz then Roy Halladay and Cliff Lee. I am 43 years old and have seen 5 championship teams in this city. There have been 172 seasons for the Phillies, Eagles, Flyers and Sixers during my lifetime. Five times the Philly team was the last one standing. Jimmy, Chase and Ryan may end up elsewhere in the near future but we don't need to kick them out the door.

This team is old. Not one player under 30 in the starting lineup till Hunter Pence got here. The fact that they had a bunch of injuries the last few years is no coincidence. Maybe time is catching up to them. Maybe they did it in reverse, 2008 could have been the pinnacle for this squad. In 1977 and 1978 the Phillies won 101 games but it took till 1980 to get to the top. Do we throw this run to the curb if we only ever get the 2008 World Series championship? It wasn't that long ago that Desi Relaford was your starting shortstop. Take it from someone who has seen a lot of bad Phillies teams, this is still where we want to be, early playoff exit and all.

I will try to look on the bright side. My life isn't over, just a baseball season. I will kiss my beautiful wife and enjoy the fact that my newest addition is 6 months old today. I still have a baseball game to go to today, it's a Babe Ruth Fall ball game and I get to see the best catcher in the area not named 'Chooch'. I am not saying we can't grieve a little. They won 102 games then ripped out our hearts, but we had a better week than Steve Jobs and Al Davis. It could be worse, we could be Mets fans.

Keep It Classy Philly!


Saturday, October 8, 2011

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Don't know if I'm pissed, crushed, or guilty


Yesterday morning at 8:40am, I walked out my front door on the way to work. I was greeted by the beautiful sound of wood bats cracking against horsehide. Some of you may not know but I live directly across the street from the SF Giants spring training facility in Scottsdale, AZ. Three drop dead gorgeous baseball fields. One next to the other. Maintained the same way as the best golf courses out here. I can only guess it was Fall ball practice for one of the teams here, but not sure. It also sits next to one of the best gyms in the state, Club Sar, and across the street from the Scottsdale Culinary Institute known across the country. Great location, unless you've been a Phillies fan since 1958, but great none the less.

I took those cracks to be an omen. They made me smile bigtime so in my mind that was a good omen. Turned out to be a double whammy, as I cooked up a little white lie to leave work early and catch two game 5's for both my teams. Yes, I like the Dbacks, how could a baseball fan not like them? But when they're head to head I go to Chase wearing Phillie gear and rooting for home, same as I do when the Eagles come here, along with the Flyers.

So the baseball gods gave me a double fuck you. I was watching the Dbacks, with my playoff tickets picked out online. All they had to do was win and I click check out... but the Dbacks checked out instead. At least they went out with heads held high, overachievers maybe, but still high. They had nothing to mourn. In fact, things haven't looked so good here for them for quite a while. I just wish it had been anybody BUT that asshole Morgan/TPlush/whatever. He makes my skin crawl and reminds me why I'm not on Twitter.

Then, I settled in for one of the biggest disappointments of my life. Each inning gone by I felt a little more life drain from my fat old body. I swear this year was worse than last year. We have become the Yankees... overpaid and underachieving. Until this week, I had thought that this year was Chollie's best job ever, keeping us on top of MLB by juggling Valdez, Martinez, Mayberry, Schneider, Stutes, Bastardo, Worely, Kendrick et all. Even handling Hamels and Oswalt's injuries too... but it was all smoke and no fire. BUT... then came this week. WHY he didn't bat Victorino third and Pence fifth I'll never know. As much as I'd like to I'm not gonna rip Howard, and feel bad he popped his Achilles. I will only say that Kirk Gibson would not have molly coddled this team the way Chollie did the last week or two, and I think that's exactly what they needed... their collective asses kicked as a wakeup.

So here I sit, Sat morning, 11am, getting bunted. Alternating between rum and coke, vodka and iced tea, and Michelob Ultra... wondering if my little white lie is the root cause of my feeling like shit... or if the baseball gods actually have a plan. All I can say is if they do have a plan, I can tell you it sucks royal azz, and after each drink I have to change my screen resolution to finish this. Let's all get bunted, and go Flyers!

                                                Bill S/aka netfather

Epic Phail

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood
Epic Phail

My prediction from last March:
I love Cliff Lee, but the Phils needed to sign a bat…not another ace.  All the Phightins' would need to do is score 3 runs/game all season in order to win a World Series.  However, with Werth gone and not a solid bat to replace him I am optimistic about any destiny being fulfilled.  With that being said I predict the Phillies will 5peat as NL East Champs, but the chances of them winning it all are about as real as Glen Beck's tears.  


Kool Moe Dee used to grade other rappers on the back of his records…a hiphop report card if you will.  Here’s my report card:

  • Chooch - B.  His defense & handling the Aces was superb as per usual.  However, his injuries prevented him from being a solid hitter.  On any other team, he’d be an A.  

  • Polanco - B+.  Polly’s first half of the season was an A.  While the second half was a B.  His defense is second to none, but not his bat.  However, like Weird Al, he was ‘living with a hernia.’  His manager should have started Valdez during the playoffs and used Polly if we needed the ‘D.  You’ll hear more about that later.

  • J*Roll - B.  Stellar defense, but plagued with injuries.  His bat came around when it counted, but it was a little too late.  I think he should be re-signed, but at a much lower rate.

  • Chase - B.  I didn’t think Chase would start til after the All Star break, but I was wrong.  Like his teammates, he had stellar D but a weak bat.  Your base running during the playoffs was piss poor.  Does ‘daddy’ need to phinally let go of his Prodigal Son?

  • Raul - B+.  Although he’s streaky, he still played above everyone’s expectations.  He’s gets the grade he does cuz he‘s 39 and doesn‘t have the huge contract.  Re-sign him as a PH and drop Gload!

  • Big Daddy Shane - A.  Thank Shane for your 102 wins!  Solid D AND solid bat!  That debacle of a play in St. Louis was his only blemish.  Shane’s one of 3 guys I would actually keep on this team (if possible).

  • Pence - A-.  The spark & hunger the Phils needed to finish the season.  His playoff performance was subpar, but I think the future of this team should be built around him.

  • Mayberry - A. Won the game on opening day.  Your future left fielder and clean up hitter.  Eventually, he’ll be everything we hoped Howard would be.

  • Doc - A+.  I’d feel bad for you if you weren’t a multimillionaire.  You’re a true professional that was worth every penny!  I hope your colleagues could get you your ring before you retire.

  • Lee - A.  A class act that had a great season.  Your manager should have taken you out during your shaky outing in the playoffs, but it is what it is.  Keep on keeping homie!

  • Hamels - A.  Home grown talent that was lucky enough to get more run support this year.  I’d love for you to stay a Phillie, but we need a bat.  I hope Amaro does the right thing.

  • Oswalt - B.  Your season ended when that tornado ripped up your town.  I’m a family guy, so I can relate.  Although you came on strong at the end, I feel your heart wasn’t in it.

  • Worley - A+.  You came through when we needed you and showed the poise of a veteran.  Glad he’s a Phil!

  • Bastardo & Stutes - A-.  Things WILL get better.  Looking forward to your progress.

  • Madson - A+.  Self explanatory.  We need bats and we can groom Bastardo to close.  Good luck wherever you end up.

  • Valdez - B+.  You did everything, but park cars!  You should have seen more time in the playoffs.

  • Martinez - C.  You’d be a valuable player if you learned how to hit.

  • Francisco - N/A.  Howard owes you his check.

Peace out to:  Gload, Lidge, Blanton & Kendrick. (unless it’s not contractually possible)

  • Ryan Howard - C+ You are the Donovan McNabb of this team…great guy/terrible in the clutch.  You get paid $120mill+ to put the ball in play despite who’s pitching and how the opposing defense looks.  Going for yard against the Mets doesn’t cut it.  I thought it couldn’t get any worse for you after last year, but it did.  Your collapse out of the box is your ‘puking at the Super Bowl.’  Like herpes, you’re going to be around for a while.  Hence, something needs to change.  With money comes responsibility…start being a leader!


  • Uncle Cholly - B+.  When LaRussa used his bullpen in Game 2 the way he did I thought to myself ‘that is what managing is all about.’  I love Charlie, but feel that he relies too much on the talent and not on his ‘chess play.’  Case in point, not pulling a double switch in St. Louis resulting in Madson having to bat.  Also, not playing Valdez for Polanco or using Mayberry. And leaving Lee in too long.  It’s not ‘08 anymore, you need to use the talent you have in a better way.

Last night the Phillies became the Yankees…overpriced athletes that don’t produce.  And I’m not a sh*tty fan and it’s not sour grapes.  I could deal with the loss if they actually came to play.  Halladay pitched a masterpiece and the offense couldn’t come up with 2 runs. They couldn't hit against Edwin Jackson for Pete (Orr)'s sake.  The Cards didn’t beat the Phils, the Phils beat themselves.  The guys with the big contracts and rings from ‘08 couldn’t produce.  In a perfected world, I’d start from scratch next season keeping the pitching staff, Chooch, Victorino & Pence.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that’s what we did for the 2nd year in a row. Next week, I’ll hit you up with some lighthearted LOL’s….let’s get ‘bunted!