Epic Phail

Hoodwink’d    by cj hood

Epic Phail

My prediction from last March:

I love Cliff Lee, but the Phils needed to sign a bat…not another ace.  All the Phightins' would need to do is score 3 runs/game all season in order to win a World Series.  However, with Werth gone and not a solid bat to replace him I am optimistic about any destiny being fulfilled.  With that being said I predict the Phillies will 5peat as NL East Champs, but the chances of them winning it all are about as real as Glen Beck's tears.  

---WHAT’D I WIN?

HOW YA LIKE ME NOW?!?

Kool Moe Dee used to grade other rappers on the back of his records…a hiphop report card if you will.  Here’s my report card:

• Chooch - B.  His defense & handling the Aces was superb as per usual.  However, his injuries prevented him from being a solid hitter.  On any other team, he’d be an A.  

• Polanco - B+.  Polly’s first half of the season was an A.  While the second half was a B.  His defense is second to none, but not his bat.  However, like Weird Al, he was ‘living with a hernia.’  His manager should have started Valdez during the playoffs and used Polly if we needed the ‘D.  You’ll hear more about that later.

• J*Roll - B.  Stellar defense, but plagued with injuries.  His bat came around when it counted, but it was a little too late.  I think he should be re-signed, but at a much lower rate.

• Chase - B.  I didn’t think Chase would start til after the All Star break, but I was wrong.  Like his teammates, he had stellar D but a weak bat.  Your base running during the playoffs was piss poor.  Does ‘daddy’ need to phinally let go of his Prodigal Son?

• Raul - B+.  Although he’s streaky, he still played above everyone’s expectations.  He’s gets the grade he does cuz he‘s 39 and doesn‘t have the huge contract.  Re-sign him as a PH and drop Gload!

• Big Daddy Shane - A.  Thank Shane for your 102 wins!  Solid D AND solid bat!  That debacle of a play in St. Louis was his only blemish.  Shane’s one of 3 guys I would actually keep on this team (if possible).

• Pence - A-.  The spark & hunger the Phils needed to finish the season.  His playoff performance was subpar, but I think the future of this team should be built around him.

• Mayberry - A. Won the game on opening day.  Your future left fielder and clean up hitter.  Eventually, he’ll be everything we hoped Howard would be.

• Doc - A+.  I’d feel bad for you if you weren’t a multimillionaire.  You’re a true professional that was worth every penny!  I hope your colleagues could get you your ring before you retire.

• Lee - A.  A class act that had a great season.  Your manager should have taken you out during your shaky outing in the playoffs, but it is what it is.  Keep on keeping homie!

• Hamels - A.  Home grown talent that was lucky enough to get more run support this year.  I’d love for you to stay a Phillie, but we need a bat.  I hope Amaro does the right thing.

• Oswalt - B.  Your season ended when that tornado ripped up your town.  I’m a family guy, so I can relate.  Although you came on strong at the end, I feel your heart wasn’t in it.

• Worley - A+.  You came through when we needed you and showed the poise of a veteran.  Glad he’s a Phil!

• Bastardo & Stutes - A-.  Things WILL get better.  Looking forward to your progress.

• Madson - A+.  Self explanatory.  We need bats and we can groom Bastardo to close.  Good luck wherever you end up.

• Valdez - B+.  You did everything, but park cars!  You should have seen more time in the playoffs.

• Martinez - C.  You’d be a valuable player if you learned how to hit.

• Francisco - N/A.  Howard owes you his check.

Peace out to:  Gload, Lidge, Blanton & Kendrick. (unless it’s not contractually possible)

• Ryan Howard - C+ You are the Donovan McNabb of this team…great guy/terrible in the clutch.  You get paid $120mill+ to put the ball in play despite who’s pitching and how the opposing defense looks.  Going for yard against the Mets doesn’t cut it.  I thought it couldn’t get any worse for you after last year, but it did.  Your collapse out of the box is your ‘puking at the Super Bowl.’  Like herpes, you’re going to be around for a while.  Hence, something needs to change.  With money comes responsibility…start being a leader!

I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE!

• Uncle Cholly - B+.  When LaRussa used his bullpen in Game 2 the way he did I thought to myself ‘that is what managing is all about.’  I love Charlie, but feel that he relies too much on the talent and not on his ‘chess play.’  Case in point, not pulling a double switch in St. Louis resulting in Madson having to bat.  Also, not playing Valdez for Polanco or using Mayberry. And leaving Lee in too long.  It’s not ‘08 anymore, you need to use the talent you have in a better way.

Last night the Phillies became the Yankees…overpriced athletes that don’t produce.  And I’m not a sh*tty fan and it’s not sour grapes.  I could deal with the loss if they actually came to play.  Halladay pitched a masterpiece and the offense couldn’t come up with 2 runs. They couldn't hit against Edwin Jackson for Pete (Orr)'s sake.  The Cards didn’t beat the Phils, the Phils beat themselves.  The guys with the big contracts and rings from ‘08 couldn’t produce.  In a perfected world, I’d start from scratch next season keeping the pitching staff, Chooch, Victorino & Pence.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that’s what we did for the 2nd year in a row. Next week, I’ll hit you up with some lighthearted LOL’s….let’s get ‘bunted!