The Slap & Stomp Patrol Roams Citizens Bank Park

I was reading the greatest Phillies blog this week and had an epiphany. KimberLee had a great piece on fan etiquette at the ball park. Her insights were spot on. As someone who attends a bunch of games I couldn't agree more. For lack of a better word, the Phillies recent success has bought an 'element' to the park. The park is 'The Place to Be', for better, or, I say, worse. This is something true Phillies baseball fans will have to put up with for the foreseeable future. I can take almost all of it. The stupid comments. The inane chatter about everything other than baseball. I even don't mind getting up 50 times a game. I do have one giant pet peeve. The park is filled with all kinds of douche bags but one takes the 'Summer's Eve' world title. "NOW ENTERING THE RING, THE UNDISPUTED CHAMPION DOUCHE BAG OF THE WORLD.....THE WALKING TEXTER!"

On Opening Day, it seemed like every idiot on Ashburn Alley was barely walking while texting. These are the same morons that text while driving. Ashburn Alley is tough enough to navigate if you know where your going (most don't), and you are looking where you are going (texter's have their head's up their ass, I mean on their screens). I embrace technology as much as the next guy but you mean to tell me that text is so important it can't wait till you get to your seat? What can be so important that you need to inconvenience everyone around you? Let me guess your text goes something like this, "I'M @ da game! LOL!"... Riveting. It's an epidemic and needs to be addressed. 

I have a plan to help fix this problem. For it to work let's pretend I have unlimited funds. If I ever hit the PowerBall, this will be the first thing I'm doing with my money. I will hire three of the largest, scariest MMA fighters I can find. For arguments sake let's say Brock Lesnar, Rampage Jackson and Chuck Liddell. I will have them patrol Ashburn Alley and slap cell phones out of the hands of walking texters. Then they will be instructed to stomp the phone into a million pieces. What? You want to mouth off feel free, it's your funeral. Have you ever seen 'Bully Beatdown?' It won't end well for you. I do not condone man on woman violence but woman on woman violence is kind of hot. So with that in mind, I will also hire Gina Carano to give the ladies the same treatment. Since I'm still in the euphoria of my recent PowerBall windfall I won't be a total tool, I will give each victim $1,000 to buy a new phone. This will also give that stinky, Galapagos Island immigrant something to do. He will help me hand out the cash and use a pooper scooper to clean up what's left of your iPhone. The Slap & Stomp Patrol strike again! Look where you are going asshole.

Keep It Classy Philly!

DB29

Oh, What A Wonderful World (it would be)…..





I have contemplated throwing beer, kicking seat partners and mastered the art of holding my bladder for 9 innings….  I am a Phillies fan, through and through.  Throwing beer would qualify me for an ejection from the game, and that is not cool.  Kicking seat partners, yeah, I have done that, “accidentally!”

I have been to several hundred Phillies games in my short 34yrs of life. I have learned there are a few rules of etiquette one needs to follow at a baseball game.

Allow me to educate you:

1) Why would you pay, on average, $60 per ticket, only to sit there and discuss your fantasy baseball line-up for 9 innings?  Seriously?  I do not care!

2) If your child has been up since 6am….it is probably NOT a good idea to bring them to a 7pm game.  I want the only stress during those hours to be game related….NOT subconsciously restraining myself from punching ignorant parents.

3) To my fellow female game attendees: I do not care who has what designer bag and where so-and-so bought their fantastic shoes. Oh…also, this is baseball, the Phillies colors are RED & WHITE.  Lose the pink bedazzled crap. (gag)

4) Learn to handle your alcohol. If you are a light weight, it is probably best to refrain from drinking at all.  To the drunk lady in 5 inch heels trying to shuffle sideways down the isle and falls in my lap….I will be sober and I will kick your ass.

5) No matter how loud you yell, the person on the other end of your cell phone cannot hear you.  The cheering Phillies fans reign superior.

6) If you notice the fan cams pointing in your direction…..please remember this….there are millions of viewers at home watching their TV’s, pointing and laughing at the idiot calling his friends and pointing at himself on the jumbo tron.

7) Please do not bitch about the amount of fat and calories in ballpark food.  If you want tofu and veggie crisps…..go to the ballet.

8) The Bongo Camera is ridiculous. Enough said. Idiots.

9) I am reinstating my unspoken rule. If you are seated in my row, or a row in front of me…you are limited to 3 trips to the bathroom or concession stands. That is 3 times the entire game, not per inning!

10) I am a female. I know I have nice legs. If you are not my husband, there is no need to touch them.

If I had the ability to address the pregame crowds with my rules of etiquette over the big screen, after the Phillies Ball Girls layout their rules….everyone would have a wonderful experience! Remember, I am not a bitch….just a frugal mother who is out, sans kids, and would like to get her money’s worth!!!  Play ball & Go Phillies!

~KimberLee