Saturday, March 31, 2012

View From the Left Coast by a Lefty: Home Stretch

View From the Left Coast by a Lefty: Home Stretch

Why is it this year that March has lost some of its sparkle? Even the NCAA's don't have the same grip to them as past years. The Giants have not spent much time across the street practicing there as in past years. I miss the sounds. But, most importantly, Clearwater doesn't seem the same. Crowds are there sure, but the feeling in the air has morphed into trepidation rather than enthusiasm.

Three weeks ago, I was all fired up. The only negative was Howard not playing until May. But that exploded and some people now think it could be close to All Star time before he comes back. Our new middle LB though gives me hope, Ryans had the same type injury and he's come back strong even though he's a few years younger than Ry Ry. Then there's the Valdez trade... that worked out well didn't it? Martinez breaks his foot and RAJ publicly said he wished he hadn't traded him. OH REALLY RUBE? How many saves was Mini Mart gonna get? He hit what, .015 better than Valdez, and can't play the positions Valdez could, nor as well? Then, we get to Chase. I really want to cry here, because 2B and the 3 hole are *SO* important to this team. I don't know what to think honestly, except maybe we should fit Utley for the bench coach role because he does know the game. This brings up some buzz I heard the last day or so, namely trading Blanton for Theriot or Fontenot... *NO, NO, FUCKING NO*!!! I am truly convinced Blanton is gonna have a big year. He's lighter, throwing harder with command, and just looks like he did when we got him. What do we do for a 2B? I dunno, but if the Phils want to put me on payroll I'll figure it out before next weekend and throw a party.

Saving the worst for last, I am so disappointed in Dom Brown, already farmed out. Who amongst you NOW wouldn't have included him in a trade last year for a bat? The guy can't play LF, arguably the easiest position in baseball. LF is where your worst outfielder plays, aka Raul and Luzinski, because they have the smallest ground to cover and the shortest throws. You save your speedster for CF (Shane, Gary Maddox in his prime) who also, hopefully, have a gun. Then you have RF, where you play your *BEST* outfielder with best arm, think Pence, Werth, Callison as Phils and Clemente and Ichiro as examples (imagine that, I also played RF when I wasn't pitching LOL).

I surely hope the pen shakes out in reality as it does in my mind, because our starters are going to think they're playing for Nolan Ryan with all the innings they'll have to log to keep us in 2-1 and 3-2 games. The pen will have to hold those small leads, nuff said. Thank God Vanimal looks to be a beast because he's going to have to throw at least 200 innings. KK buddy, please be ready cuz we need you badly, and need you to win AT HOME for a change.

So, now you all know why I started drinking at 10:30am this morning, alternating between rum and cokes and ice picks. First time in 6-7 years I'm a bit worried at this point in time. Maybe it's for a reason, maybe it's for naught, but I am as spoiled as all of you and my expectations are just as high. I'm now going to do something I normally don't do, and it's just for you Wriz. YOU ASKED FOR IT... lol.

PREDICTIONS, 2012 style:

- Kentucky wins the NCAA tourney and Calipari will go back to the pros to prove to himself he can win there

- Dexter will again prove to be the best all time cable tv show

- Trevor Bauer comes up to Dbacks early May, wins ROTY

- Diamond Girl will submit a piece by 4/3 because this one pissed her off... closely followed by CJ Hood because we haven't been Hoodwinked lately

- Freddy Galvis will assimilate 2B and prove he's really a major leaguer

- DB29 will finally answer the question of whether or not I can catch a ride to the meet'n'greet with him because I called him out publicly <ducking>

- Phils starters will have a combined ERA of under 2.95 because they HAVE TO

- Wriz will post this piece from his phone because he's at Woody's... again <really ducking now>

- On 4/25, when I'm at Phils/Dbacks game, you guys will see my Phillies Bunts sign behind the Phils dugout by the 5th inning

- American Idol will *FINALLY* fucking die

- RAJ will not make a major move at the trading deadline, stunning us all

- And the one you're all waiting for: Phils will struggle early until Chollie decides on his real lineup, but by Sept 18 will be in position to put the hammer on the NL East for the 6th year in a row. I need another drink.

Let's get Bunted, and cya at the meet'n'greet on June 3rd.

Bill S aka/netfather

Friday, March 30, 2012

We Are Hood-in-i

Hoodwinked by cj hood
We Are Hood-in-i

Last season, as the Phils were closing in on their 102 record wins, I told my wife 3 things: I'm getting a Phillies tatt after they win the WS, I'm going to the parade and“only if that's ok with you honey princess. Needless to say, the Phils fell harder than Lindsay Lohan and my dreams were crushed. As the Phils have made a steady decline since their WS win in '08, the rest of the NL East has gotten stronger. Last year, I predicted they would win the division, but get knocked out in the first round...I was spot on. With Howard out til at least June and no more Utley (ya, I said it), things are looking bleak for our Phightans. This year, I predict the 'Nats will capture the NL East and the Phils will win the Wild Card only, again, to be knocked out in the first round.


Here are some other predictions & LOLz from the great Hood-in-i
-Chase WILL NOT play this season and retire in December.
-Kendrick will be part of the starting rotation by All Star break.
-Bernie Madoff is to the Mets as the Big Mac is to DB29.
-Pence will lead the team in homeruns.
-If I win the Mega Millions I’m buying Netfather Bill a cd player, so he’d only be 20 years
behind the times.
-The Houdini Museum is located in Scranton, PA.
-I got more laughs drafting Worley in my fantasy league than I did at Curran's last wknd.
-Eugene looks like the son of Dusty Hill and the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
-The ‘Bunts Meet & Greet II menu features cold roast beef sandwiches that taste like
urinal cakes.
-Howard will play more games than Polanco.
-new Dodgers owner Magic Johnson bought the entire team new bat bags that havecover your wood” embroidered on them.
-Word is Joe Blanton got kicked out of the Ritz 5 for eating wings during the noon
showing of Hunger Games.
-Whodini is known for such classics as Freaks Come Out At Night & 5 Minutes of Funk.
-Tebow’s the worst thing to happen to jets in NY since 9/11.
-If I win the Mega Millions, I’m buying Diamond Girl a date with Chase.


-Opening day @ Citi Field is ‘hat day.’ A hat will be passed around in the stands to help
the Mets make payroll.
-I think Diamond & Chevy Chase will make a cute couple.
-RAJ will show Hamels the money…Victorino, not so much.
-Spencer’s is selling fake Ryan Braun urine for all your testing needs.
-I hope the Wriz doesn’t wear that new ‘Bunts hoodie around George Zimmerman.
-Facebook is better than Twitter…there I said it!
-Hamels, Lee & Doc….in that order.
-In honor of Juan Pierre making the team, Chickie’s & Pete’s is selling a BBQ flavored
-If I win the Mega Millions, I’m buying Kornhole a universal remote.
-the Archdiocese of Philadelphia is making Jerry Sandusky an honorary deacon.
-We’ll see what kind of chess player Cholly is finagling this bench with his injured
-The Indians who run the 7-11 on Cecil B Moore Ave could beat the Cleveland Indians.
-Papelbon’s theme song should be Parkside 52 by Schoolly D.
-Santorum wants to ban internet porn…4 more years of Obama it is!
-Opening Day is less than a week away……let’s get ‘bunted!!!

Thursday, March 29, 2012


By Monday night, Spring Training will all be but over. Our Fightin Phils will have already made the trek back north for the final 2 spring games, otherwise known as the On Deck series. It’s a Bush League money grab if you ask me but whatever that’s not my purpose for writing this. My purpose? The top things I didn’t see this spring.

9. I didn’t see any great strategic moves by Charlie. I know its spring. You get the guys their work so they are ready when it counts, but this is the year Charlie has the bench he wanted and the year he’ll need it most. ****If*** Charlie can double switch and move players around on the diamond during the game, bolstering the bench could pay huge dividends. (Obviously, that’s a monumental “if”)

8. I didn’t see a lefty impress to earn a bullpen spot. The Phils only had Bastardo in the pen for the playoffs and he hasn’t been dominant since early August. Dontrelle Willis looked awful and was sent home. Jake Diekman looked good but was sent down.

7. I didn’t see the best staff in the majors dominate like it has to for the Phillies to dominate the NL East. Of the starters, only Lee has an ERA under 4.00. Papelbon has looked good. So has the perennial whipping boys, Kendrick and Herndon. KK has an ERA of 0.00 and a WHIP of 0.54. Somebody buy me his jersey already!

6. I didn’t see a seagull soil Wheel rug. Now, that’s disappointing.

5. I didn’t see hear Jonathan Papelbon’s entrance to his new music. It’s been of the most talked about topics of the offseason. As a Dropkick Murphy’s fan, I’ve been particularly interested in his choice to replace “Shipping up to Boston.” I do like the fact that he’s waiting until they come north to use it.

4. I didn’t see Heidi Hamels once. She’s smoking hot and the only person I know more ditzy than DB29. Oh that reminds me…

3. I didn’t see Cole Hamels sign a new contract. I’ve said all along if they came north and Cole didn’t have a new deal, he’s gone. The Dodgers situation is cleaned up and you know the Yankees would love to throw a boatload of cash at him. Wear the shit outta your #35 jersey now because next year, it could be a dish rag.

2. I didn’t see a Hooters girl take a nasty hop off her silicone fun bags. The Wriz likes T&A as much, if not more, than the next guy. The old dudes at AT&T Park have more skills and agility. I saw a kid getting an autograph from one of the Hooters girls. I looked on EBay but no dice. It would have looked great next to my K&A Ladies of the Night trading cards.

1. I didn’t see Uts or the Big Piece step in the batters box. The thought that this could continue until July or longer is the reason the Wriz cries himself to sleep.

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Everybody's Hurt

The Wriz is in a crappy mode, when the Wriz is in a crappy he sings his troubles away.

Everybody Phil Gets Hurt

The offseason's long, then comes March.
Spring training's here again.

When you’re sure no one else can get hurt.
There's another.

Don’t give up on them yet. Everybody cries & everybody hurts
this time.

Sometimes everything goes wrong.
Now its time to sing along.
When pitching is all you have  (Hold on, hold on)

If you feel like letting go(hold on)
When you think Rubes done enough, well hang on.

Utley's always hurt.
Take comfort in your fans.
Is Howard really hurt?
Don't show your hand. Oh no.
Don't show your hand.
If you feel like your all alone, no, there's the Braves

Jimmy’s on his own, on the field. Polly & the guy with the dreads are done. When you think you’ve had too much of this team, hang on.

Well, almost every Phil is hurt this time.
Phillies nation cries.
Only time before an ace gets hurt.
So pitch on, pitch on.
Pitch on, pitch on, pitch on, pitch on, pitch on, pitch on.
(repeat & fade)

(Everybody’s hurt. Jimmy’s all alone)

Big ups to CJ Hood for his musical guidance.

See ya at the record store. I'll be in the emo section.

Jay Wrizight

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Kornhole's Alley: Jenny Craig Edition

It’s been a long off season. The Kornhole was painfully ripped apart by the Phillies offense last October. It’s a new year though, and the Kornhole is ready to open itself up for all of you to enter and enjoy its warmth.

Our Phightin’ Phils, led by such impact players like Jayson Werth and Brad Lidge, are ready to take it to the rest of the NL East.

 People seem to forget that Chad Durbin not only gets the job done, but he helps bridge the rotation to the backend much better than anybody else in the league! There is no doubt in my mind that the 2008 Lights-Out Lidge will return to his dominance now that he’s healthy again.

Jayson Werth struggled last year, hey, it happens to the best of them. Every player has a down year, but I expect the ‘Bearded Wonder’ to put those shades on and hit the cover off the ball like my boy Roy Hobbs.

I think Jason Michaels, a guy with some pop, will grow into his role as an extra outfielder this season. I think his days of beating up cops are behind him and this will lead him to bench prominence.

I’m convinced that these four guys will lead the Phillies to the promise land this season. Four years without a parade is too long! That’s why I hate the Olympics. It’s time to ride the backs of the Four Horses’ Asses and win the pennant!

Of course, I kid. That’s the Washington National’s picking up our scraps. I’ve been to D.C. and what a shit show! Thank God for the politicians down there otherwise it’d be a town full of rats.

The city is a dump and so is their “state-of-the-art” stadium. I went to a game last year and walked out with AIDS.

“Ooooh we have Bryce Harper”! I say this mockingly. Let me tell you… more shit comes out of Harper’s mouth than his ass hole. What kind of name is Bryce? I think it means “douche” in Eskimo. Bryce Harper is the next coming of Jeff Jackson. Don’t know who he is? Then you’re not a Phillies fan, you belong in Washington.

Anyway, enough about the Nationals for now, I’ll come back to those jerk-offs in a bit. Let’s get to the real Phillies preview!


The rotation is led by Brett Myers and the crafty southpaw J.A. Happ! Oh… wait a minute!


Am I the only one upset that Fat Joe is now just a rapper and not a pitcher too? Blanton lost some weight… A LOT of weight. It reminds me of that fat bastard Rick Reschel. He lost a ton of weight and his career. Bravo!

Fat people need to stay fat so we can mock them. It makes us feel better about ourselves. If you look at the other starters in the rotation, they’re in-shape robots. We root for them, we expect perfection, but we can’t relate to them. I relate to Blanton. I, too, am overweight with pubic hair hanging from my chin. Like Joe, I’m also known to choke when balls are in my hand.


Literally! I caught David Wright at a rest stop with Jim McGreevy! The Mets suck and apparently the only hole they can find is at a Jersey rest stop. It couldn’t happen to a better fan base. The jerk-off Mets fans remind of me that pile of dog feces that found a home on the bottom of my shoe.

What makes it even more enjoyable is that the Phillies caused their demise. Well actually, the Marlins helped a little. Those jerk-off Mets fans, who for whatever reason loved to throw 1964 and 1986 in our face all those years, are now repeatedly on receiving end of Wilpon facials.

I’m so glad the Wilpons haven’t sold the Mets. I hope he’s the owner for life! The Mets and their organization are a laughing stock. Shea Stadium reminds me of the bowl I dumped in once. Their new stadium is so pitiful, that God doesn’t send rain… he just whips it out and pisses on it.

I love the so-called Phillies fans that say “I hate the Mets but like David Wright”. That’s like a Klu Klux Klan member saying “I hate the blacks but I sure do like Obama”. It makes no sense! David Wright is a loser! I’m sorry, a Met! Sure he hits, but so did Bobby Abreu and what were your thoughts on him?

I’ll take Greg Legg over David Wright any day. They can keep Johan the Queerarian too while they’re at it.

The Mets roster sounds like a late 90’s Phillies roster. Ten years from now, loser Mets fans will be playing drinking games involving this roster.

DJ Carrasco, R.A. Dickey (I will say nothing), Dillion Gee, Josh Thole, and Wilmer Flores! What the *BLEEP* kind of players are they fielding? I think the Mets think this is a strike season and grabbed scabs off the street!

Actually I think the Wilpons sold the team to Rachel Phelps.


 Each week I’ll do a special piece wondering “where the hell they are now?” This week we’ll start with the Mets fans! Seriously!? Where the hell are they? That new stadium \ looks like a 1999 Temple football home game! Where’s Ron Dickerson when you need him?


I’ll focus on a former Phillie this week. This week, I’m wondering where the hell is Lenny Dykstra? Oh, I found him!



An unanticipated or sudden check in progress; a change from better to worse.


Remember these guys?

The Nats fans are at it again! They promised us a resistance last year and instead we once again owned their stadium. What the Phillies fans do to Nationals fans equals what it’s like to being alone with Kobe in a Colorado Hotel. Yes, the money that comes with it is nice, but then you get all bent out of shape when the invasion of your empty black hole happens.

The Nationals fans should thank the Phillies fans for coming to their games. It’s the tickets that you Phillies fans purchase that allow the ‘Assinals to over spend on our scraps. (ie-Jayson Werth and Gio Gonzalez).

If the Phillies didn’t invade your shit-show stadium, then the Nationals would be bringing in nothing at the gate!

Let’s break down MLB’s attendance for 2011 real quick!

According to the Nationals ranked in the lower 10 in attendance. If you take the Phillies series’ out of the equation, these jerk-offs rank in the lower 5.

So, show up at a game and support your team and maybe you won’t Kobe’d!


KH – Hello Ozzie. Welcome to my Kornhole!

OG – It’s a pleasure to be here! I love the scent!

KH – I’m sure you! Let’s get to business!

OG – The aroma mixed in with all the moisture…

KH – I get it. You love my Kornhole! What else do you love?

OG – I love heading to Florida in the spring. I love grabbing a players wood and caressing it while holding his balls.

KH – I bet!

OG – I love slamming his wood into my box!

KH – What’s your thoughts on this coming…

OG – I love February cause soon enough all my players will be coming!

KH – Are we talking about baseball still?

OG – I especially love it when a player slips his hand in and gets ready to enter the cage!

KH – You’re talking about a batting glove I hope!

OG – It’s orgasmic to walk into the shower after practice…

KH – And, that’s all the time we have! Check in next week when I interview Bobby Cox’s battered wife!


Hunter Pence will hit a Two Run Homer!

That’s all the time we have for this edition of Kornhole’s alley. Don’t forget to check out all the other amazing writers on this site. I hope Kimberlee comes back this season so we can hear how hot she is again. Peace out jerk-offs!