Kornhole's Alley: Jenny Craig Edition

It’s been a long off season. The Kornhole was painfully ripped apart by the Phillies offense last October. It’s a new year though, and the Kornhole is ready to open itself up for all of you to enter and enjoy its warmth.

Our Phightin’ Phils, led by such impact players like Jayson Werth and Brad Lidge, are ready to take it to the rest of the NL East.

 People seem to forget that Chad Durbin not only gets the job done, but he helps bridge the rotation to the backend much better than anybody else in the league! There is no doubt in my mind that the 2008 Lights-Out Lidge will return to his dominance now that he’s healthy again.

Jayson Werth struggled last year, hey, it happens to the best of them. Every player has a down year, but I expect the ‘Bearded Wonder’ to put those shades on and hit the cover off the ball like my boy Roy Hobbs.

I think Jason Michaels, a guy with some pop, will grow into his role as an extra outfielder this season. I think his days of beating up cops are behind him and this will lead him to bench prominence.

I’m convinced that these four guys will lead the Phillies to the promise land this season. Four years without a parade is too long! That’s why I hate the Olympics. It’s time to ride the backs of the Four Horses’ Asses and win the pennant!

Of course, I kid. That’s the Washington National’s picking up our scraps. I’ve been to D.C. and what a shit show! Thank God for the politicians down there otherwise it’d be a town full of rats.

The city is a dump and so is their “state-of-the-art” stadium. I went to a game last year and walked out with AIDS.

“Ooooh we have Bryce Harper”! I say this mockingly. Let me tell you… more shit comes out of Harper’s mouth than his ass hole. What kind of name is Bryce? I think it means “douche” in Eskimo. Bryce Harper is the next coming of Jeff Jackson. Don’t know who he is? Then you’re not a Phillies fan, you belong in Washington.

Anyway, enough about the Nationals for now, I’ll come back to those jerk-offs in a bit. Let’s get to the real Phillies preview!

KORNHOLE’S PHILS PREVIEW TAKE 2

The rotation is led by Brett Myers and the crafty southpaw J.A. Happ! Oh… wait a minute!

FAT JOE and the THREE ACES

Am I the only one upset that Fat Joe is now just a rapper and not a pitcher too? Blanton lost some weight… A LOT of weight. It reminds me of that fat bastard Rick Reschel. He lost a ton of weight and his career. Bravo!

Fat people need to stay fat so we can mock them. It makes us feel better about ourselves. If you look at the other starters in the rotation, they’re in-shape robots. We root for them, we expect perfection, but we can’t relate to them. I relate to Blanton. I, too, am overweight with pubic hair hanging from my chin. Like Joe, I’m also known to choke when balls are in my hand.

THE METS STILL SUCK

Literally! I caught David Wright at a rest stop with Jim McGreevy! The Mets suck and apparently the only hole they can find is at a Jersey rest stop. It couldn’t happen to a better fan base. The jerk-off Mets fans remind of me that pile of dog feces that found a home on the bottom of my shoe.

What makes it even more enjoyable is that the Phillies caused their demise. Well actually, the Marlins helped a little. Those jerk-off Mets fans, who for whatever reason loved to throw 1964 and 1986 in our face all those years, are now repeatedly on receiving end of Wilpon facials.

I’m so glad the Wilpons haven’t sold the Mets. I hope he’s the owner for life! The Mets and their organization are a laughing stock. Shea Stadium reminds me of the bowl I dumped in once. Their new stadium is so pitiful, that God doesn’t send rain… he just whips it out and pisses on it.

I love the so-called Phillies fans that say “I hate the Mets but like David Wright”. That’s like a Klu Klux Klan member saying “I hate the blacks but I sure do like Obama”. It makes no sense! David Wright is a loser! I’m sorry, a Met! Sure he hits, but so did Bobby Abreu and what were your thoughts on him?

I’ll take Greg Legg over David Wright any day. They can keep Johan the Queerarian too while they’re at it.

The Mets roster sounds like a late 90’s Phillies roster. Ten years from now, loser Mets fans will be playing drinking games involving this roster.

DJ Carrasco, R.A. Dickey (I will say nothing), Dillion Gee, Josh Thole, and Wilmer Flores! What the *BLEEP* kind of players are they fielding? I think the Mets think this is a strike season and grabbed scabs off the street!

Actually I think the Wilpons sold the team to Rachel Phelps.

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

 Each week I’ll do a special piece wondering “where the hell they are now?” This week we’ll start with the Mets fans! Seriously!? Where the hell are they? That new stadium \ looks like a 1999 Temple football home game! Where’s Ron Dickerson when you need him?

WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY NOW - PART 2?

I’ll focus on a former Phillie this week. This week, I’m wondering where the hell is Lenny Dykstra? Oh, I found him!

HELPING THE PHILLIES MEDICAL STAFF REAL QUICK

set·back/ˈsetˌbak/

An unanticipated or sudden check in progress; a change from better to worse.

THE NATIONALS MARKETING TEAM

Remember these guys?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gALVyTp3O5M&feature=related

The Nats fans are at it again! They promised us a resistance last year and instead we once again owned their stadium. What the Phillies fans do to Nationals fans equals what it’s like to being alone with Kobe in a Colorado Hotel. Yes, the money that comes with it is nice, but then you get all bent out of shape when the invasion of your empty black hole happens.

The Nationals fans should thank the Phillies fans for coming to their games. It’s the tickets that you Phillies fans purchase that allow the ‘Assinals to over spend on our scraps. (ie-Jayson Werth and Gio Gonzalez).

If the Phillies didn’t invade your shit-show stadium, then the Nationals would be bringing in nothing at the gate!

Let’s break down MLB’s attendance for 2011 real quick!

According to Baseball-reference.com the Nationals ranked in the lower 10 in attendance. If you take the Phillies series’ out of the equation, these jerk-offs rank in the lower 5.

So, show up at a game and support your team and maybe you won’t Kobe’d!

OZZIE GUILLEN LOVES THE KORNHOLE

KH – Hello Ozzie. Welcome to my Kornhole!

OG – It’s a pleasure to be here! I love the scent!

KH – I’m sure you! Let’s get to business!

OG – The aroma mixed in with all the moisture…

KH – I get it. You love my Kornhole! What else do you love?

OG – I love heading to Florida in the spring. I love grabbing a players wood and caressing it while holding his balls.

KH – I bet!

OG – I love slamming his wood into my box!

KH – What’s your thoughts on this coming…

OG – I love February cause soon enough all my players will be coming!

KH – Are we talking about baseball still?

OG – I especially love it when a player slips his hand in and gets ready to enter the cage!

KH – You’re talking about a batting glove I hope!

OG – It’s orgasmic to walk into the shower after practice…

KH – And, that’s all the time we have! Check in next week when I interview Bobby Cox’s battered wife!

THIS WEEK IN PHILLIES FUTURE

Hunter Pence will hit a Two Run Homer!

That’s all the time we have for this edition of Kornhole’s alley. Don’t forget to check out all the other amazing writers on this site. I hope Kimberlee comes back this season so we can hear how hot she is again. Peace out jerk-offs!