‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘16

Hoodwink’d                   by cj hood

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘16

 

  

FANS ARE SCARED BRO!

 

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were all hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Ruf jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

We got rid of that jobber; Ruben Amaro

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases

An all new offense, don’t know their names nor their faces

With a brand new coach, hair slicked back and neat.

I knew in a moment it must have been Pete.

More rapid than the Eagles his courses they came,

And he whistled, and shouted and, called them by name;

“Now, Nola! Now, Morton! They came with a twist!

Now Eickhoff and that guy that broke Franco’s wrist!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes fly,

When Altherr broke his wrist; phans collectively cried.

Ben Davis and Murph were calling the game

‘Boy we miss Harry’; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Nola was set and took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

The Mets blew the Series; the ‘Gnats dug their own graves;

Marlins suck; at least we’re not the Braves.

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Las Vegas is saying we’re gonna get killed

If their play doesn’t kill us, Chick-fil-A certainly will

We’ve got Andy McPhail and Matthew Klentak;

We traded our stars and got prospects back.

We might be the duds of the MLB,

We’ll contend once again, just wait and see

We’ll struggle at first, I’m not going to lie yo!

But at least we open with that team from Ohio

I’m excited about Franco, Herrera and Nola

Philly’s best team? Wildcats at Villanova

If we played in October it would be such a shocker,

Maybe if Howard cleaned out his locker

But tonight we’re in first, like the rest of the teams

And all we can do is have positive dreams

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great season,”

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘15

Hoodwink’d

by      cj hood

‘Twas the Night Before Opening Day ‘15

                 

                     CITIZENS BOOZE PARK

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were all hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

While Mets fans drank Schlitz; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases

An all new offense, don’t know their names nor their faces,

With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,

I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.

More rapid than the Eagles his courses they came,

And he whistled, and shouted and, called them by name;

“Now, Hamels! Now, Harang! And those other 3!

On, Howard! On Asche! And ‘the man’ Chase Utley!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away!  Dashed away!  Dashed away all!

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes on,

Who’s that grabbing his nuts?  That’s Jon Papelbon!

Ben Davis and Stairs were calling the game

‘Boy we miss Harry’; Oh!  What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Hamel’s with his ‘game scruff’ took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

The Marlins rebuilt and the ‘Gnats will not lose;

The Phil’s best acquisition? Our park now serves booze!

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Las Vegas is saying we’re gonna get killed

If their play doesn’t kill us, a 9 patty burger certainly will

We traded J*Roll for some no-name go-getters,

The movie Philadelphia seemed to end better

We are the L-O-L of the M-L-B

Cuz half of our team is A-A-R-P

Amaro manages us like he don’t even care

And here come the Red Sox, loaded for bear

We’re the Walking Dead, this team will just scare ya,

Yet I’m really excited about Odubel Herrera

Last few years we’ve just stunk, just like a wet fart

I bet the 76’ers can’t wait til we start

If we played in October it would be such a shocker,

Maybe if Howard cleaned out his locker

But tonight we’re in first, like the rest of the teams

And all we can do is have positive dreams

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season,”

'Twas the Night Before Opening Day '14

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,

A huge jumbotron, a Chooch and three aces,

With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,

I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.

More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Hamels! Now, AJ! Now, Kendrick and Lee!

On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,

With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.

Moyer and Stairs were calling the game

Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Lee with his ‘game scruff’ took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

McCann’s now in New York; Uggla’s straight up dirt

The tomahawk is played out; all your pitchers are hurt

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Around the league all the teams were conspiring

Braun is still juicing and Jeter’s retiring

Gnats fans went to games did not even care,

What about Miami? They still play baseball there?

Don’t sweat the Rangers, their pitching staff’s poo

Fielder is fat; F’ Beltre and Choo 

Brown hit homeruns, Revere did his thing,

Howard is back...the RBI king!!!

Chooch is back on the pills; this should be fun.

And Cole Hamels received his first ever Cy Young.

Spring Training was rough; could not get much worser

Ruff hurt his ribs and Galvis got MRSA.

Still the Phightans fried teams just like pancake batter,

Who we met in October did not even matter;

We took out the brooms; got them in four,

World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”

The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

NOT BAD MEANING BAD, BUT BAD MEANING GOOD!

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
And Mom in her Young jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
The ‘Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and three aces,
With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,
I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Doc! Now, Lannan! Now, Kendrick and Lee!
On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.
McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Cole and his porn stache took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
Chipper is gone; Uggla doesn’t have pop
The tomahawk is played out; all Hudson’s throwing is slop
Three up and three down as Kratz made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting
Hamilton was drinking while A-Roid was strutting
Gnats fans went to games did not even care,
Tony LaRussa’s retired to spend time on his hair;
Ozzie’s out in Miami, Jose Reyes is too,
Polanco bats clean-up, that place is a zoo
Brown hit homeruns, Revere set it to stun,
Howard is back...hitting homeruns!!!
Chooch was drug free before it was done.
And Cole Hamels received his very first Cy Young.
Yo! We got Adams our bullpen is fixed
Bench is solid with Frandsen, Galvis and Nix.
The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”

THE NIGHT BEFORE OPENING DAY ‘12

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

THE NIGHT BEFORE OPENING DAY ‘12

AT LEAST HE'S NOT ON THE D.L.

'Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

And Mom in her Pence Jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizens Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

The Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

while Mets fans drank Schlitz; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,

A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and four aces,

With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,

I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.

More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Hamels! now, Worley! now, Blanton and Lee!

On, Galvis! on Rollins! and hopefully Utley!

From the dugout! to the top of the wall!

They dashed away! dashed away! dashed away all!"

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricane fly,

The Pirates an obstacle? now that is a lie,

So onto the diamond the coursers they flew,

With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.

McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game

Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Doc Halladay, emerged, and took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

AJ’s eye in a patch; McCutchen’s hair like a mop

We Are Family no more; all Karsten’s throwing is slop

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting

Hamilton was drinking while A-Rod was strutting

Braves fans went to games did not even care,

Tony LaRussa retired to spend more time on his hair;

Ozzie’s in Miami, Jose Reyes is too,

But so is Lebron, that place is a zoo

Pence hit homeruns, Polanco looked great,

Howard returned before the AllStar break

Chooch was an AllStar before it was done.

And the Doctor repeated as this year's Cy Young,

Bastardo delivered and so did Worley

As did Shane and Pierre and Jimmy Thome.

The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,

Who we met in October did not even matter;

We took out the brooms; got them in four,

World Fuckin' Champs, the Phillies once more.

Can't wait til Thursday; dress warm cuz it's freezing,

"Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season."

Was it Good For You?

Soooooo.

It appears that 2011 Opening Day has come and gone, Philadelphia.

My only question: Was it good enough for you?

The early morning snow (snow? REALLY??? WTF Mother Nature?!) and game-peppering light rain could not stop the 45,000+ from entering Citizens Bank Park, anxiously awaiting the start of a “World Series or Bust” season.

As the 2011 Phillies entered CBP, walking along a red carpet lined with excited fans (myself included), it was obvious to everyone that these guys were just excited about getting to April 1^st as the fans were - if not more. Jimmy Rollins’ face was lit up like the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree as he made his way across the field. Ryan Madson looked slightly awestruck as he filmed the pre-game ceremony with his seen-better-days flip cell phone (Ok Madson, we know you make some decent coin. I think you are well overdue for an upgrade buddy). Our beloved Clifton Phifer Lee looked as thrilled to be back in Philadelphia as Philly was to have him back (and he turned down the YANKEES!! He etched himself in the hearts of this city with that alone). Yes sir, this was going to be one FUN (funner?) season.

Doc Halladay took the mound on opening day, throwing out 101 pitches over six innings; not quite the start we were expecting from the 2010 NL Cy Young winner, but we’ll take it. Down two runs in the 9^th, John Mayberry cemented the win with a walk-off single, erupting fan and players alike.

While the game didn’t offer the season’s first homer (that wouldn’t happen until the third game via Ryan Howard) or even one of Halladay’s ‘better’ performances (compared to what I think we have come to expect of him, I guess I should say) it did show that the Phil’s seemed to realize that they need to return to playing a game of ‘small ball’. No, it won’t make for the most exciting of games, that’s for sure. But it will help make up for what they lack offensively.

Opening day 2011 (and the subsequent games with Lee and Oswalt) seemed to be consistent with how I figure this season to be. While our rotation has the opportunity to become one of the sickest in MLB history, stopping the other team from scoring is only half the game. The winning team needs to only have one run more than their opponent, and the Phil’s seem to understand they need to get that one extra run  anyway they can.

Good enough? It sure was. My Dad once told me that slow and steady would win the race… and hopefully a pennant, too.

Play ball, boys.

-xo Diamondgirl215

The Night Before Opening Day

Hoodwink'd by cj hood

THE NIGHT BEFORE OPENING DAY

 

'Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

And Mom in her Utley Jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizens Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

The Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

while Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,

A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and four aces,

With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,

I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.

More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, Hamels! now, Oswalt! now, Blanton and Lee!

On, Howard! on Rollins! and hopefully Utley!

From the dugout! to the top of the wall!

They dashed away! dashed away! dashed away all!"

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricane fly,

The Astros an obstacle? now that is a lie,

So onto the diamond the coursers they flew,

With mitts in their hands, and Madson too.

McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game

Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Doc Halladay, emerged, and took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

Brett Myers was drunk, got the clap from a whore,

And he looked like an extra from that show Jersey Shore.

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting

Werth sticking his tongue out, whiffing and strutting;

'Nats fans went to games wearing disguises,

While Bonds was in San Fran upping hat sizes;

The Freak broke his arm, Buster Posey did to,

And Wilson quit baseball; converted to (hasidic) jew.

Howard hit homeruns, Polanco looked great,

Checking the calendar; Were we back in '08?

Chooch was an AllStar before it was done.

And the Doctor repeated as this year's Cy Young,

Contreras delivered and so did Valdez,

As did Shane and Raul and Danys Baez.

The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,

Who we met in October did not even matter;

We took out the brooms; got them in four,

World Fuckin' Champs, the Phillies once more.

Can't wait til Friday; dress warm cuz it's freezing,

"Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season."

Daddy was supposed to read this to you last night.  But, Dad got drunk again…sorry kids.  Here’s to a terriphic season....go Phils!!!  I'm outta here like Castillo!