'Twas the Night Before Opening Day '14

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park

Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;

The bats were hung by the helmets with care,

In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;

The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of a parade danced in their heads;

Mom in her Utley jersey, and I in my cap,

Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,

When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,

Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.

Phillies Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow

While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,

When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,

A huge jumbotron, a Chooch and three aces,

With a Hall of Fame coach, so lively and kind,

I knew in a moment it must have been Ryne.

More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

“Now, Hamels! Now, AJ! Now, Kendrick and Lee!

On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”

From the dugout! To the top of the wall!

They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”

As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,

With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.

Moyer and Stairs were calling the game

Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Lee with his ‘game scruff’ took to the mound.

He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,

And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;

McCann’s now in New York; Uggla’s straight up dirt

The tomahawk is played out; all your pitchers are hurt

Three up and three down as Chooch made the calls!

Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!

Around the league all the teams were conspiring

Braun is still juicing and Jeter’s retiring

Gnats fans went to games did not even care,

What about Miami? They still play baseball there?

Don’t sweat the Rangers, their pitching staff’s poo

Fielder is fat; F’ Beltre and Choo 

Brown hit homeruns, Revere did his thing,

Howard is back...the RBI king!!!

Chooch is back on the pills; this should be fun.

And Cole Hamels received his first ever Cy Young.

Spring Training was rough; could not get much worser

Ruff hurt his ribs and Galvis got MRSA.

Still the Phightans fried teams just like pancake batter,

Who we met in October did not even matter;

We took out the brooms; got them in four,

World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.

Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,

“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”