Facts of Life

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

Facts of Life

Kids, I’m speechless…I don’t know what to say anymore. I actually felt bad for Chase Utley Wed night (and normally I don’t feel bad for multi-millionaires who ladies worship). But the ‘chosen one’ returns and Cholly decides to go with a pigpen game. DUDE, F’ QUALLS! I HATE HIM MORE THAN REPUBLICANS HATE THE MIDDLE CLASS! CUT HIS ASS YESTERDAY!!! (UPDATE: Qualls was given the axe…God is good.) There’s a lot of positives coming out of the Phightans camp as of late, but the ‘usual suspects’ keep f’ing it up! I’m sick of watching and I’m sure my FB peeps are sick of hearing me bitch about it on the internets. Philly fans expect a ‘Blair Warner’ season, but they’re giving us a ‘Natalie Green’ effort. Word to Tootie!

BLAIR BROUGHT ME THRU SOME HARD TIMES BACK IN THE DAY!

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and here you have the Phillies

Facts of Life:

-J*Roll’s bat is on fire; Pence’s D sucks.

-Chase is back bustin ass; bullpen blows.

-Chooch is the King of Rock; we can’t afford to rest him

-Lee’s winless; Baby Roy has 2 W’s under his belt

-Show Girls; Magic Mike

-Vance’s faux hawk; my puppy getting shaved by Stevie Wonder w/turrets

-Martinez is gone; but Fontenot is still here.

-Dwayne Wayne; Dewayne Wise

-Obamacare; a Republican trips a kid to see if it’ll really work.

-Howard’s starting rehab; but so is Andy Dick.

-Cole IS our #1 ace; he’s ghost next season!

-Jenny McCarthy’s Playboy spread in ’94; her Playboy spread in ‘12

-cj hood’s legit LOLZ; (Blair’s cousin) Gerri’s sympathy lols

-Kendrick’s 2-7 innings; Kendrick’s 1st inning

-Jeremy Horst; liver worst

-Papelbon; barely needing him

-getting ‘bunted; Is It 7:05 Yet?

Did the Phillies Find It?

What a difference 48 hours makes. Sunday night after the Phillies got swept in a doubleheader, all hope was gone. The mutiny had begun. Charlie had to go. Cole and Cliff had to be traded. The team needed to be revamped. Amaro had to be put on notice.

Now Wednesday morning, back to back wins, Utley is likely to be activated tonight. Word has it; Howard could be in Lakewood as soon as tomorrow to start his rehab and Herndon needed Tommy John surgery. How much better can this week get?

Suddenly, people are trying to see how soon we can get Doc back and figuring how long before we are creepin up on teams in the standings. The ladies are drooling over Chase. Shit, when I saw him on the pregame show in this RePresent tee with the sleeves cut off probably so his fucking 24 inch pythons could breathe, I let out a “Damn! Chase looks good!” (No Homo! I’m saying that now not then but it still counts right?)

Is it a matter of the fan base so desperate for a reason to cheer? Or have the Fightins finally turned the corner? Only time will tell. But being at the game last night, it did seem a little different. Most games this season, it was like our boys tried to find a way to lose rather than a way to win. They didn’t have the “It factor.” And by that, I mean finding a way to win no matter what. Some guys have “it” and some guys don’t. Did Ruben finds a way to assemble 25 guys without one “It” guy? I’d like to think last night was the turning point in the season. When Vance got in trouble in the first, he made a remarkable fielding play to keep the Pirates off the board. Then in the seventh, Schwimer and Mayberry came up HUGE!

With the impending return of Utley and Howard, it seems we can stop worrying about the lineup as much, but the bullpen has been a disaster. Other than Papelbon, the only reliever that I don’t cringe when I see them warming up is Schwimer. For reals! Michael Schwimer! His ERA has been plummeting since Dubee tinkered with his delivery. And maybe Papelbon needs to change his entrance music or abandon it completely. He’s ERA at home is 5.40. on the road his ERA is zero point zero zero.

They have a month before the non-waiver trade deadline. Lets find “it”!

See ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

PS-- for the other fans in attendance last night, doing “the wave” in the 8^th inning of a 1 run game is a god damn disgrace. Act like you been there before.

Double Down!

Cliff Lee Stinks!

Another Cliff Lee start, another Phillies loss. Another 4 run lead, another no decision for Cliff Lee. I thought elite pitchers were supposed to hold leads? Phillies fans have all the excuses for Lee, "He's snake bit...He is getting no run support...etc." I'm done with the excuses. If he could have held a 4 run lead last October, the Cards get swept by the Phils. If the same thing happened to Cole Hamels he would probably be run out of town. Cliff Lee gets a pass of Utley proportions. He picked us over the Yankees, I get it. I would just like to see us get our $120 million dollars worth. Right now he is looking very Barry Zito-esque.

In his last start, Lee was in a good position to win his first game. The Phils gave him a 3 run lead early. In the 4th he got a close call to go his way on a double play ball. Ok, after further review Hector Luna held the bag. 2 outs, nobody on. He walks Mark Reynolds, no biggie, still 2 outs. Steve Pearce doubles. 2nd and 3rd, 2 outs. Up comes Steve Tolleson, Tolleson is 4 for 7 vs Lee with 3 doubles. First base is open and Endy Chavez is on deck. Chavez is hitting a whopping .170, he has no pop and he's a left hand hitter. Lee quickly gets ahead of Tolleson 0-2. His 3rd offering is borderline outside, a perfect 0-2 pitch that could have been called a strike. Ball 1. With a 1-2 count Lee serves up a meatball right down Broadway. 3 run bomb. A 3 run lead is gone like the last pizza slice in the Blanton household.

***WARNING: ATTEMPTED JOURNALISM ALERT****

Cliff Lee is not the choir boy everyone thinks he is. I have it on good information that he frequents Chester quite often. He likes poker, no problem with that. He dropped 12 and 15 large in consecutive sessions. That's probably like $20 bucks to us working stiffs. It could be nothing or it could blow up to something big. Remember, you heard Cliff Lee may have a gambling problem on Phillies Bunts. This was the same time frame when he had words with Victorino in the dugout. The ball that Victorino lost in the lights hit a foot from the top of the wall, it would have been a tough play had he seen it all the way. He was out of line. There is a lot of smoke, I hope there isn't fire.

Keep It Classy Philly!

DB29

Disgusted

View from the Left Coast by a Lefty: Disgusted

Just finished watching Cliff not get a win in his 11th start. I'm almost beside myself, but now my anger goes in a different direction. There was no excuse for the Phils to not win that game. He should have come out after the first batter top 8. So now the question is who's fucking fault is it... Chollie's or Dubee's? I assume Chollie has the last say but don't know for sure. I also said last time I'd speak up on pitching. Well now is the time.

Who (beside me) predicted Blanton would come back and actually resemble the guy we traded for? Who (NOT ME) ever thought Doc would get hurt? *Nobody* could have predicted Cliff Lee winless on 6/15. I think Vanimal has held up his end as well. KK? Basically same old up/down and can't win at home. Hollywood has been the only dependable piece. This pretty much equates to their record of 31-36. Even though DB29 got a late start, in preseason he did predict the Phils to be 41-46 at the All Star break. But he also predicted Utley and Howard coming back and in Sept after jelling they make a charge and win the division for a 6th straight year. I wish, but can't see it.

Guess which 2 can't coach

So where does the problem(s) lie? Right now I blame the coaching staff, who this year have actually had to make decisions that affect games. I blame, in order, 1) Unca Chollie because he can't rely on past performances to get the job done. 2) Rich Dubee... if you are advising Unc on pitching changes it looks like you don't have a clue on what you're roster pitchers can actually do. 3) Base coaches... mostly Juan Samuel who has cost them single handedly 3 games sending runners home and also Sam Perlozzo, who is definitely no Davey Lopes, no help to runners trying to steal, and just standing there at 1B with his thumb up his ass getting runners into scoring position. Right now this team is just sad, deserving of their position in the NL East.

 Are we having fun yet? I'm fucking not. I'm having enough trouble sleeping at night without a 31-36 team invading my personal time with no answer in sight. You guys may have laughed when I said previously that I would take 2 weeks and teach Howard how to hit again like he did 5 years ago, and offered to Lee and Hamels to teach them the Carlton pickoff move. Well now I add to this teaching Dubee how to use his pen, because Qualls AIN'T NO 8TH INNING GUY, he should be released. And then again, who the hell is actually in the pen now? Where do I get the idea I know what to do? I only played baseball for 25 years. Was all state as pitcher and outfielder in same season in NJ. I had the most excellent coaches my entire life, learning the fundamentals every player should know. But does it really matter my qualifications, when all of you are thinking the same thing? FML.

Thankfully a neighbor just came back from Mexico, and brought me a bottle of Centenario  and we're doing tequila shots. This stuff makes Patron taste like shit, and is only $5 for a 750ml. You East Coast people can pay outrageous amounts, and I don't apologize for it lol. Maybe after a bottle or two I can come up with a better solution, but right now I swear the Phillies should hire me.

So to quote CJ and Wriz, let's get bunted... and here's to Utley, Howard, and Nix coming off the DL and continuing what they did today.

--Netfather

Worstest

Hoodwink’d by cj hood

Worstest

I had a Hoodwink’d ready to go last week then Word asked me if I wanted to save it and I said ‘no.’ Word to technology! Anyway, last year was all hugs & kisses and the LOLz oozed from my pen like milk from T*Mac’s supple breasts. However, as we all know, this year’s different. One the bright side, at least we’re hitting the ball, but then again the hole we’re in so smelly, big & deep we should knick-name this season ‘the Kim Kardashian.’ Like Wriz said on Wed, I think we have no choice but to trade Hamels for a bat(s). And I hate that because he’s a homegrown hero with a style that Philly hasn’t seen since local native Tina Fey. Irregardless (not a real word), I present to you some things that are worse than this dismissal team.

I’D RATHER HAVE QUALLS START EVERY GAME THAN EAT A BITE OF THIS ISH!

25 things worse than the ’12 Phillies:

25. Andy Reid’s cholesterol

24. bath salts

23. Joan River’s plastic surgeon

22. Sarge’s closer #imdonegetout

21. the ‘Gnats

20. Subway cheese steaks

19. Amy Fadool not wishing me a HB yesterday.

18. red beets

17. entertaining my kids for the next 12 weeks

16. Casey Anthony

15. John Travolta on a massage table

14. scones

13. walking in my yard bare foot forgetting I now own a dog

12. Net Father Bill’s travel agent

11. Bud Light

10. Real Housewives of (insert city)

9. DB29’s personal trainer

8. gas station bathrooms

7. ’45 Phillies

6. oily bologna in a jar

5. the Republican Party

4. Chris Wheeler

3. cancer

2. Jerry Sandusky’s showering regiment

1. only getting ‘bunted 29X this season thus far…as of Thurs morning.

You buyin or sellin?

It’s pretty pathetic when the highlight of your season so far is watching Chad Qualls fall on his ass trying to make a pickoff throw to first. Sad but true. A lot of people have been saying “don’t panic” “it’ll be ok” “Utley and Howard are coming back.” Fuck it, I’m panicking. I know the Phillies were 7 back with 17 to play and still won the division in 2007. But realize this: They had to pass ONE team. Right now they’re 9.5 back and they have to pass the whole fucking division.

But there’s two Wild Cards this year, right? Still 5.5 back and have to pass SEVEN teams. Amaro said they aren’t going to rush to do something either way, which is somewhat understandable. But at some point a decision has to be made. Are the Phillies going to be buyers or sellers? The Phillies haven’t been sellers since they unloaded Bobby Hustle in 2006. In each season since, they have added to their roster before the trade deadline. Some major deals like for Pence and Lee and some minor deals like Blanton and Lohse. If we are to believe RAJ and the Phillies aren’t going over the Luxury Tax, the Phillies can’t make much of a blockbuster move. They can only take on roughly 4 million in salary. So how much can you bolster this team that needs fielding, bullpen and offensive help?

With the additional WC spot, teams probably will wait longer to make moves, holding hope they can make a playoff run. This means help for the Phillies is further away except for injured players returning to the club. And ultimately, in my opinion, the Phillies will be sellers rather than buyers. They have loads of tradable pieces with expiring contracts: Polly, Blanton, Victorino, even Pence who will be arbitration eligible for the final time, and of course, the mother load, Cole Hamels.

I have said time and time again that if Cole wasn’t signed before the team headed north from Clearwater, he was gone. Can the team take a chance that they don’t trade him and get the king’s ransom he will garner and not make the playoffs and he walks? It would be disastrous. Cole has said time and time again he wants to win. This team seems like its trying to force him out of town.

Best case scenario is Amaro sits down with Cole makes his best and final offer, not after the season, not next month, NOW! If Cole rejects it, he’s gotta go. But Amaro should still be up front with Cole and tell him even if they trade him; they still like to see him in a Phillies uniform next year.

I gotta go cry.

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

 Click here

For Shits and Giggles 

Road Trip....Family Style!

Road trip! Before you get too excited, it was our first road trip with our 1 year old aka SB09 in tow. Strollers, walking, walking and more walking. The little guy was a trooper as was my lovely bride. I think she saw 4 innings over 2 games. There are a few things to consider if you are bringing super youngins to a game. First, if it's an extra inning game you won't be in the ballpark until the end. We attended Saturday and Sunday's games, when Qualls comes in, that's your cue. Seats in the sun are tough, especially in plus 90 degree weather. Mom Bryson was also in attendance, like all Moms, she came prepared, water bottles, cold rally towels for the neck, sunscreen etc. Mom Mom also stepped up big time by watching the lil' guy while the wife and I had a night out. You know you married the right woman when she suggests we make this a yearly event even though she did most of the diaper duty.

It was a sea of red. It is absolutely amazing how well Phillies fans travel. The Inner Harbor was one Phillies t-shirt wearing fan after another. That is quite astonishing considering the Fightin's are a struggling .500ish team. I actually saw more red at Saturday's game then your typical home game. It was at least 75% Phillies fans. And we were loud. LET'S GO PHILLIES! chants all weekend long. For the most part our fans seemed pretty well behaved. The only ugliness I saw was when an Orioles fan flipped our section the bird. She was one of maybe 1 of 5 O's fans in our section. She got a slight beer shower, she deserved it.

Orioles Park at Camden Yards is still amazing. It is the original, old style, modern feel park. The only thing that bugs me is the tiny tunnels to get to the lower level seats. It's not like Citizens Bank Park were you can see the game from the concourse. One other pet peeve, ushers don't stop people from going to their seats while play is on, if you're on the aisle it can be quite annoying. Things to love? The way the Orioles fans scream OOOO'S during the National Anthem is flippin' awesome! I thought I liked Natty Bo or National Bohemian, but another Phils fan told me I was the atmosphere and it was as bad a beer as there was. By my 3rd one, I realized he was right.

I also met the only Phillies fan that hates Chooch. That is rarer than finding a Chris Wheeler fan. His argument was that Chooch hits .220 during the season but hits .300 during the playoffs. Ok, I don't ever remember Ruiz hitting .220 for a season, moving on. We also had the tools wearing Orioles shirts with Phillies hats. The moron in front of me said the Phillies were his National League team. That's like saying I like Democracy but I also like Communism.

And one last thing...F THE DH!

Keep It Classy Philly!

DB29

So Annoying

I guess with the Phillies’ current state a lot of things have been getting under the Wriz’ skin. Pet peeves seem so much more annoying. Annoying people are about to feel the wrath of a “Postal” Wriz. People I hate should just steer clear if I am holding sharp objects.

It became abundantly obvious when I offered a free ticket the Phillies game this past Sunday to anyone who wanted it. Someone’s response was, “What section is the seat in?” It’s in the fucking stadium, and better yet it’s next to yours truly. You should be honored to receive such an offer.

Some other things that are testing my last nerve:

Chase and Ryan are “close.” Yeah they’re in Clearwater but Ryan’s not running and Chase isn’t fielding. I guess their definition of close and mine are different. To the Wriz, close means Luna and Fontenot are drawing straws for Lehigh Valley.

Kids kicking the back of my seat. By all means bring your kids they should be able to enjoy the game but when your kid are doing their rendition of Metallica’s One on the back of my seat and you get “the look” either tell them to stop or take them for a walk. And you best not give in and get them no cotton candy.

Charlie’s gut feelings. I’m not expecting Moneyball from Manuel but if he’s not going to use stats and track records maybe he needs to quit the NutriSystem and get a better gut.

Umbrellas. The last 3 games I’ve been to its rained. Yo, its water. Don’t block my view or stab me in the face because you’re too effing retarded to open and close it. Man up or get a poncho.

Speed Pitch. Maybe that’s why so many kids have been kicking my seat. Screw Chickies.

Phillies doing commercials. Is it me or every time a Phillie does a commercial, he hits the shitter. Hamels did all those after they won in 08. His 09 was terrible. Ryan does Subway and rips his foot in half. Now Shane (AAA) and Hunter (Liscios) have been subpar. Although, next time I drop acid I’m watching Hunter’s on a loop.

Angelo Cataldi. I didn’t listen to sports radio for like 8 years because they usually talk about some stupid non-sports related bullshit. For real, I listen Angelo and he sounds like he knows less than the people I mock. He should troll some facebook chatrooms to learn a bit more. The Fanatic 97.5 drew me back in has been good and I should just stick to that.

Wheels. No explanation necessary.

Small ball. Well, actually the Phillies lack of getting better at it.

Fat Joe and Shane. Do they know it’s a contract year? Chooch does. Which reminds me….

Chooch 4^th in AS voting. Get moving people. If Chooch isn’t an All-star I’m shutting down the blog for good. There’s no justice and you just don’t care.

See ya at the ballpark! Just don’t kick my seat or there’s hell to pay!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

Feel free to comment your pet peeves. It’s the first step of recovery.

Meet & Greet II: da review

Hoodwink’d cj hood

Meet & Greet II: da review

FIGHTING FOR THEIR RIGHT TO PARTY!

I’m not going to lie, last year’s Meet & Greet was similar to a Train Wrek meeting…a bunch of guys sitting around, staring at each other with one hand down their pants (same pair of pants). Needless to say I was apprehensive about attending this year’s gala event. But I’m a team player (unlike 90% of the ‘Bunts staff) so I gave it another shot.

3 THE HARD WAY

M&GII was held in the Linc parking lot so adult libations could be consumed and boy were they ever! Camp Hood rolled in about 11am with a cooler full of road sodas & an open mind. When I rolled out of my boy’s minivan riddled with Anti-Obama bumper stickers (FML) I was greeted by the ‘Grand Puba of tailgating’ the Wriz. Then I gave my boy DB29 a pound. Wriz & DB29 hanging out with each other? Damn skippy bro! They’re back together like Brandon Walsh & Dylan McKay on some Peach Pit noise! Soon I was introduced to Facebook phenom Robin who couldn’t be any nicer. I was also introduced to her partner in obsessive posting, Kurt Wilson, who held court like Fonzie at Arnold’s Drive-In. So it was all good with the Hood, until it was time to nosh...

I’D SOONER WALK NEXT YEAR THAN RIDE THE LIMBAUGHMOBILE.

Instead of a grill someone brought a jar full of oily bologna. It was something straight out of Toxic Avenger II. If anyone knows H-Double they know I don’t put oily bologna in my temple. Then someone came up to me and told me how he loved reading my blog each week and how funny it was. I said thanks and he said ‘no problem Kornhole.’ Kornhole? WTF? I was ready to break north until local Philly fan, by the way of Pittston, John W showed up. When John rolled up in his jeans & flip-flops ensemble I knew ish was about to get real. So I decided to stay….and I’m glad I did.

FASHION PLATE JOHN W.

Everyone seemed to get along and have a good time. People drank, ate, laughed, took pics trying to forget about Capt. Pop Out’s (J*Roll) performance the day before. It was nice to be in the presence of people who are just as excited about the Fighting Phils as I am. Game time was near so we stumbled over to CB Park to get our seats.

SUPPORTING THE LOCAL TALENT

Kudos to the Wriz for hooking us up with some sweet lower level seats. The view was great as we watched Fat Joe pitch one of infamous Homerun Derby outings. By the 3rd inning the Phils were down by 2 runs and the natives were getting restless. The latter coupled with the mother & daughter duo behind me commenting on every player’s ass pushed my posse out of our seats and onto the concourse. We stepped to Tony Lukes and enjoyed ourselves a fresh cheese steak. At this point the sky opened up and the rains came. And it wasn’t a summer warm mist…it was a ‘Rocky 5 cold shower after fighting Drago’ rain. So we ventured over to right center near Larry ‘the Bulls’ when I saw this sign…

EVEN HECTOR LUNA COULDN’T THROW HIS BAT THIS FAR.

The sky’s finally cleared and we returned to our seats to realize the Fish had tagged on 3 more runs. By this time it was the 8th inning and we realized the Phils weren’t going to get this one. So, my crew headed out the door, to the Linc, into the ‘minivan of lies’ to head home via 476N.

 

Like Ecstasy crooned in One Love “all in all we had a ball.” It was a great time with great people. I hope that the Phillies Bunts continues to blow up as well as the multiple FB pages of those that were in attendance. I’m already looking forward to M&G III: Return of the Netfather. I only hope D*Girl, Kornhole & Eugene will show up to our 3rd installment . Time will tell…let’s get ‘bunted!!!

MRS. ZUCKERBERG