Howie (does not go) Long

Hoodwink’d        by  cj hood         
Howie (does not go) Long                   

The Wriz recently texted me and asked me if I was still down with the B-Team…like there was any doubt.  I’d never go the way of DB, Kornhole and Diamond Girl.  I’m a ‘Bunter for life.  I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that I was leaving my legions of ‘Buntamaniacs (and/or Robin) starvin’ like Marvin’ for a Hoodwink’d blog.  So, here I is…back at the azz like Preparation-H.  Now prepare yourself to be put on blast!!!

 

RODNEY DANGERFIELD NEVER HAD TO EXPLAIN HIS JOKES!

FYI fellow ‘Buntamaniacs…when you see a disparaging post on Spacebook about Ryan Howard (or as my wife calls him Ron Howard) I’m the one that most likely posted it…so chew on that!  And while you’re busy dissing me on my sarcasm or lack thereof, keep in mind that your boy Howard bka Lil Opie Cunningham has the 5th most strikeouts in MLB.  That’s your clean-up hitter kids and this ish is mad weak!  Sarge called his swing pathetic when they got thumped by the Marlins 14-2 and later went on to say that ‘he’s in a slump’ during the current series with the Indians.  So stop boo hooing at the H-Double…numbers don’t lie bro!  He hit a game winning double in Arizona and half of Philly became semi-flaccid…that’s sad.  Again, he’s got a fat contract and hitting in the 4-hole…a game winning double should be the least we should expect.  He has no business batting clean-up, drop his ass to 6 or 7.  I hope we don’t end up selling in July, but I think it’s inevitable.  However, one thing is for sure….you’re boy Howie will be a Phightan for many years to come due to RAJ’s open check book.  Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy on a personal level (#nohomo), but Paper Lace (Google it) cranked out more hits ‘mang!  Show some pride Philadelphia…better yet recognize my award winning (BOTY ’11) sarcasm and gut busting wit:

 

 

I HAVE MORE FAITH IN THIS GUY IN THE 4-HOLE!

 

Now that I’m done putting my peeps on blast (I still love you ‘Buntamaniacs!) It’s time to focus on the positives.  We went out West and were more successful than DB29 was when he tried to be a soft porn actor (all his movies were very tasteful) (he doesn’t even read this blog anymore so who cares).  Frandsen, Brown and even Mayberrys’ bats are getting hot!  Pettibone’s making Halladay look like Hamels via Qualls.  We’re slowly clawing our way up the NL East standings. And last, but definitely not the leastest, the oily sausage is almost done pickling just in time for Meet & Greet III:  Netfather Strikes Back!  I’m looking forward to seeing my fellow bloggers (all 2 of them) including the Wriz’ shitty beard and riding around the K lot on Bill’s Segway.  Hopefully it stays dry and the Phils get the W…let’s get ‘bunted!

Semi-Phantastic Auction

 

 

If you’re reading this blog, you must have heard about the Phantasic Auction the Phillies are running. Basically, they put together a whole mess of items to bid on to support Phillies Charities Inc. Some of the great packages include a golf foursome with Phillies legend Mike Schmidt, lunch with Charlie Manuel, and trips to Wrigley, Detroit and Clearwater.

But you’re not reading this blog to find out about something you can just look up on Phillies.com. You’re here for hard hitting journalism and shit like that. So the Wriz went deep undercover to find out the things that didn’t make the cut.

Drinks with LA: Unless Warren Buffet loves the Phillies Radio broadcast, no one has enough to cover that tab.

Lunch with T-Mac: There were obvious concerns about the tab, but the reason it was scratched was the last time T-Mac went to lunch with a fan; the fan came out of it looking like Jim Abbot over the last pork chop.

Bird Watching with Mick Billmeyer: He doesn’t know a clay colored robin from Batman’s sidekick.  Apparently, he was just checking about broads with those binoculars.

 

A Fantasy baseball league with Ruben Amaro Jr.:  RAJ was so gung-ho on this idea. 11 spots at $500 plus a pop. That’s serious coin for charity. Then he heard it was a keeper league and bagged the idea because he doesn’t know shit about planning for next year.

Hitting Clinic with Ben Revere: The Phillies became worried the fan that won would be too busy getting autographs and checking out the Phillies locker room and  they’d forget to teach Ben how to hit.

A night in the Bullpen: No fan could stomach the stench. It stinks there.

Trip to the Barber with Wheels: This guy I was sitting near last night already won.

 

A private tour of the Majestic Store: Just show up. That place, once a zoo, has more employees than shoppers on a weekday game.

A night on the Town with Jonathan Papelbon: The Wriz was so gonna bid on this, but asked when he was going to do with the winner Paps said “Now I got backup, we’re gonna get our guns back from Obama.”

Golf foursome with Lenny Dykstra: He’s not a legend and he’s not due for a parole hearing.

A spot on the 40 man roster: When word got to RAJ that Jesse Biddle planned on using his signing bonus to win it. Raj pulled the plug and said he needed another 4 years in the minors.

Vocabulary lesson with Charlie Manuel: It ad been good and stuff like that.

Chess & Checkers Strategy lesson with Charlie Manuel: It fell through when everyone realized he could only make one move at a time and hope for the best.

Invites to Phillies Bunts Meet & Greet 3: The Wriz invites everybody. Show up June 2^nd. K-lot.

Throw batting practice: Chad Durbin already has that job.

Learn a change-up from Rich Dubee: No clue why this got cancelled. He can teach anyone a sick change. Of course that’s all he’s good for.

I also heard those Mexican dudes with the huge batting helmets tried to put them in the auction but Polanco confiscated his game used merchandise.

Theres still a few hours left on some of the auctions. The private hitting clinic with Chase is up over five grand. No idea how DiamondGirl is going to afford that.

See ya at the Ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

Shoulda had a "Make a video with the Twins" auction.
CHA-CHING!



Mayday!

Mayday! Mayday!

Is it time to panic?

We are a month into the season and what have we learned? Not much. The lineup is still inconsistent, but is just now taking its intended shape. The starters will have strong outings and then an Andy Ashby-esque outing. We know the bullpen blows. That’s for sure. We know Durbin can do a spot on Chad Qualls impression. I know Wheels still likes to say “middle in” and “no doubles defense.” Howard looked like garbage but is starting to be the beast in the middle of the lineup. We know Uts looks like Uts of old but we don’t know if he’s to sustain this production and stay healthy the whole season.

The Wriz knows that the Indians are supposed to be shitty but fucking absolutely TROUNCED our boys last night. They lit up the Phillies pitchers for 7 home runs. SEVEN. Nobody on the Phillies have 7 for the whole year. Even Yuniesky Betancourt even has 6 and the Phillies cut his ass at the end of Spring Training.

 

I also know that the Phillies are supposed to get a big infusion of cash from a new TV deal but if they are so coveted why do they keep putting games on the Comcast Network. I can’t even get that shitball station in HD. I mean, they were getting bumped for Sixers games and they were probably the most unwatchable TV since MTV ran Silent Library.

I know every time a Phillies player does a commercial he turns to shit. See Hamels circa 2009 (ESPN the Magazine amongst others) Howard (Subway 2011) Pence (Liscio’s 2012), so fuck Kratz and Godshalls although turkey bacon is ok in my book.

 

We know many of the Johnny Come Latelys have found better things to do than hit up CBP, but that’s cool with me. The line at Alley Brewing is long enough. The Wriz recommends anything from Troegs. (Can I get a sponsorship deal?)

So, Is it time to panic? No, but the Wriz seems to think the 2013 isn't much more than a 3rd place team, but is still holding onto the fact he doesn't KNOW that.

See (a couple of) ya at the ballpark!

Jay Wrizight

jaywrizight@yahoo.com

 

View From the Left Coast by a Lefty: Maybe Sorta Kinda

View From the Left Coast by a Lefty: Maybe Sorta Kinda

I started to write this maybe 3 times in the past week, but had to stop each time. Each stop was caused by either downright shitty play or  a managerial error or flat out bullpen bullshit. I've ranted for at least a year and a half about Charlie (and the whole coaching staff save Sandberg) must go so I won't comment on managerial error right now. So let's concentrate on the other guffaws for now.

Let me start by saying that I rarely get to watch games during the week. I get home at 10pm Eastern time and by then I have to rely on espn.com bullshit and FB posts. We all know how reliable FB posts are so basically I'm left with box scores. Box scores are numbers that miss a lot of the game. Between the two though I can just tell that team chemistry, while not bad, ain't what it should be. There are too many mental mistakes from veterans who should know better. This can cause staring contests that don't help anyone. I blame Chollie for this because he doesn't seem able to make rational decisions that benefit the club. This isn't 2008 when talent overrode marginal guesses. I'm pissed off that I got so spoiled over the last 6-7 years that I forget my roots in Phillies fandom. We are all so used to being one of the elite franchises lately that less than 1st place does not seem possible.

The bullpen is its own entity. While not overly (to quote Sir Charles) turrible they have not established an identity or attitude yet. I can't decide yet whether Adams and Aumont are real or part time. Bastardo used to be able to pinpoint strikes, why can't he now? But my overall problem is why can't Dubee pull the trigger at the right time, or convince Charlie to do so? Same shit different year, ugh. Should I add why is Durbin on the roster?

Some positives... this week after struggling with PITT they disposed of the Mutts as they should. Nice to see a 2 out, nobody on rally for the first time since Christ left Chicago. This week basically shows the inconsistency of the entire team. But working off of a sweep doesn't suck and should provide a springboard with an off day tomorrow. Chase and Young are hitting, Howard appears to have figured out his footwork with 9 RBI’s this weekend, and Dom is staying better in every AB. I have to say I'm glad Chooch is back and hope Galvis doesn't get caught again<cough>.

One last ramble that you may not want to hear: I cannot help but possibly compare us to the Dbacks who I get to watch every night. We don't have much passion. The Dbacks have passion, determination, and never give up. They haven't been out of a game yet this season after 7-8 innings. They are 6-0 in extra inning games ALREADY. They act like little leaguers when they pull a game out. THAT, friends, is a team with chemistry and who believes they are capable of winning every night. They are 15-10 and in 1st, as opposed to our 12-14. That being said I don't think that at season's end they will be comparable. I still think the Phils can win 87-89 games with Chooch back and Doc looking to be physically able. Thank God Cole won a fucking game, now go on a tear.

Oh, and by May 4 the Phillies will be solidly in 2nd place.

Bill S aka/netfather

XES EDITION

Hoodwink’d​​ by cj hood
XES EDITION

SUPERGIRL LAURA VANDERVOORT…LOVE HER!!!

At the last Phillies Bunts monthly meeting many topics were discussed over cold meatball subs & warm beer. Present at this meeting (besides myself) was founder and CEO of the Phillies Bunts, the Wriz. Kornhole was also present, but he was the PIC of making sure all the subs were luke warm. I only wish DB29 was in attendance because we’re all aware of his affinity for ‘cold balls.’ Irregardless (not a real word), the major topic at hand was the number of hits each ‘Bunts blog receives. It was during the Wriz’ power-point presentation on the latter that he informed me that the articles with the seediest pictures get the most hits. In other words…sex sells. Although this notion is not new, it has been avoided, since Phillies Bunts Inc. is a respectable news source for all things Phillies. However, since our bloggers are dropping like flies, it’s time to put on my half shirt and short shorts and ‘bring sexy back.’ So, I present to you, my fellow Buntamaniacs, the sexiest Hoodwink’d that the internets will allow. Enjoy.
 

KELLY KAPOWSKI OR VALLERI MALONE…DON’T MATTER.

While you fantasize and drool over the pictures above think about how the Phils once again lack offense. We kill the Mets, but barely skate by the Marlins? Then we get swept in Cinci and finally the bats come alive against the Cards only to leave 2 guys on in the 9th…losing by 1. It’s the same thing year after year. A baseball team’s offense is more of an individualized than any of the 4 major sports. Banging shoulders or bumping chests is not going to get the bats going. An inspirational speech from a coach or team leader isn’t going to increase hitting when runners are in scoring position. However, age, paychecks & ’08 ring could cause some guys to ‘lose the fire to win.’ And a new face at the helm might spark some offense as well. Is it time to fire Charlie? Not yet….but talk to me at All Star break.

I watched most of last week’s games on my phone cuz CSN insists on showing the 76ers & Flyers. That’s like the Spice Channel showing The Biggest Loser. By the time I settled down with my cellular for Game 2 of the Cinci game they already lost the rescheduled Game 1 and were down by 11 in Game 2. By that point I didn’t even bother dialing into Vulkano…that ish is depressing. I was even hesitant to phone-in last night’s game against the Cards, but I did. And I’m glad I did…it was a good game…a lot of O. J*Roll was back at lead off and Utley was producing. Hell, even Howard’s bat was hot (sexy right?). Then we get to the 9th…down by 1…and….

Here’s a little story I got to tell
About 3 Phillies that you know so well
It started in the 9th inning
With Revere, Kratz & Jimmy
Had a lead off hit by Ben Revere
Then another by Kratz almost cried a tear
THEN FRANDSEN, JIMMY & GALVIS GROUNDED OUT…WTF?!?!?!?!?!?

No walks, sh*tty when RISP…and you now the rest. Like I said, MLB is not like the NFL, NBA or NHL. Pro player gotta hit like professionals. You gotta hit for Lannan like you’d hit for Lee and versa visa. I know I’m preachin to the choir, but if things don’t change soon then drastic changes need to be made…starting with RAJ. Here’s another sexy photo…let’s get ‘Bunted!

 

 

FOR THE LADIES!
 

Hitless Hit List

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
Hitless Hit List

DWIGHT SCHRUTE COULD HIT A BEET FARTHER THAN THIS GUY.

-North Korea’s a bigger threat than Doc Halladay.
-If you don’t think Chooch’s absence is affecting this team then you’re hopped up on Adderall bro!
-I was always a Frandsen fan!
-Royal ass kicking!
-Ole King Cole? More like Prince Valium. Amirite?
-I see that Kurt Wilson’s using my ‘BREAKING NEWS’ tagline.
-Dear Ryan Howard: I’m sick of your ish!
-Big ups to Philly’s #1 Sex Panther, John Wilt, for letting me know that Michael Young comes out to the Beastie Boys.
-D*Brown’s not doing enough.
-Cholly pulled Lee? Bobby Heenan managed better.
-“Why would I get the new Facebook phone when my MySpace beeper works just fine?” -Wriz
-Halladay’s not the issue as much as the offense is. Ya gotta produce for all your starters boys.
-hate this hot weather…wish it was still winter.
-Thumbs down to DB29 for forgetting about me on Opening Day. Again.
-In honor of Hugh Hefner’s 87th bday this week, 4 girls have been trying to get him hard since October.
-my wing eating contest was the 2nd biggest sporting event this week behind Wrestlemania 29.
-Lookout for my ‘Forever (Michael) Young’ parody video. I got the original red headed kid too…he’s 31 now.
 

DA MAN

-shut up Oswalt! No one cares. #realtalk
-RA’s doing Dickey in Toronto.
-Bigger disappointment: Mike Greenberg’s book or Wheels’ book?
-Robin yelled at her daughter for blocking the TV during a game. I immediately called Child Services.
-the Braves are like the Ghetto Boys…CAN’T BE STOPPED!
-Who the f’ is Chris Davis?
-Robinson Cano signed with Jay Z this week while Dan Uggla signed with Snow. #informer
-oh ya, Chase is back!!!
-You see the Bull’s fiancé in that jewelry store commercial…BOOM!
-I heard they’re redoing ‘Chico and the Man’ with Freddie Prinze Jr & Cliff Lee. (google it!)
-Rutgers’ basketball players have seen more ‘balls to the face’ than Bree Olson.
-Where’s Galvis?
-My wife watches the Real Housewives like Luke Skywalker watched Yoda.
-Yu Darvish was TEN MINUTE away from a perfect game.
-Adams did his job.
-3-5 is bullshit!!!
-catch me at the Rockledge Firehall this Saturday doing stand-up…let’s get ‘BUNTED!!!
 

The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

Hoodwink’d ​​by cj hood
The Night Before Opening Day ‘13

NOT BAD MEANING BAD, BUT BAD MEANING GOOD!

‘Twas the night before Opening Day, when all through the park
Not a creature was stirring, not even a lark;
The bats were hung by the helmets with care,
In hopes that the Phillies soon would be there;
The fans were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of a parade danced in their heads;
And Mom in her Young jersey, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long Spring nap,
When out on the field there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to Citizen’s Bank I flew like a flash,
Tore up 476 and almost near crashed.
The ‘Bunts staff was blogging like there was no tomorrow
While Mets fans drank Piels; drowning their sorrows,
When, my wondering eyes saw the mound and the bases,
A new jumbo tron, a Chooch and three aces,
With a stout old coach, so lively and jolly,
I knew in a moment it must have been Cholly.
More rapid than the Eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Doc! Now, Lannan! Now, Kendrick and Lee!
On, Howard! On Rollins! And a healthy Utley!”
From the dugout! To the top of the wall!
They dashed away! Dashed away! Dashed away all!”
As dirt kicked up before the wild hurricanes flew,
With mitts in their hands, and Papelbon too.
McCarthy and Sarge were calling the game
Boy we miss Harry; Oh! What a shame,
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Cole and his porn stache took to the mound.
He was dressed in a throwback, from his head to his foot,
And the strength of his arm could throw a shot put;
Chipper is gone; Uggla doesn’t have pop
The tomahawk is played out; all Hudson’s throwing is slop
Three up and three down as Kratz made the calls!
Two strike-outs, a pop-out, and only one ball!
The Yankees were buying like Corbett was cutting
Hamilton was drinking while A-Roid was strutting
Gnats fans went to games did not even care,
Tony LaRussa’s retired to spend time on his hair;
Ozzie’s out in Miami, Jose Reyes is too,
Polanco bats clean-up, that place is a zoo
Brown hit homeruns, Revere set it to stun,
Howard is back...hitting homeruns!!!
Chooch was drug free before it was done.
And Cole Hamels received his very first Cy Young.
Yo! We got Adams our bullpen is fixed
Bench is solid with Frandsen, Galvis and Nix.
The Phightans scored runs as Fielder got fatter,
Who we met in October did not even matter;
We took out the brooms; got them in four,
World Fuckin’ Champs, the Phillies once more.
Can’t wait til tomorrow; dress warm cuz it’s freezing,
“Good Luck Philadelphia, and to the fans a great-season.”